I used to wonder if angels breathe,
In one two three,
Out one two three four.

I was taught by a therapist
That you breathe in
But you breathe out a little longer,
And I've always wondered
What that really did
Because it never really stopped the anxiety entirely
Like the way you tend to do.

And I know my skin is pale,
And my flesh is soft,
And every curve of my body
Would not be considered defined in the muscular sense
Save for the fact that I look so much smaller
Than others.

And I wonder if you'd still love me,
If you saw me emaciated at 110 lbs,
When I was in the hospital.
I could count my ribs,
Without holding my stomach in.

And at 120 lbs,
I wondered if you would have loved me
If I weighed any more,
And now at 125 lbs,
I realize it doesn't really matter,
You love me nonetheless.

And I struggle even still to eat,
Most days I feel sick from drinking too much water.

And I breathe in
One two three
And out
One two three four,
And I'm looking at the time,
And I'm looking at your texts,
And I wonder if you see me
As I see you?

And while I know you love me
As I love you,
I can't help but wonder
Do angels breathe too?

I find
That your
Eyes
Leave me breathless
And I have become
Especially skilled
At gaining my composure
Without you noticing
I have lost it.

I find
That your
Smile
And hands
On my skin
Make my heart
Flutter
And my body
Shudder
With bliss.

I find
That you are
The only one
That I am okay
With slowly becoming
Myself
Around.

I find
That you are
The best thing
I can call mine.

I'm not supposed
To want to stay.
I'm not supposed
To be looking for a home
To be looking for some kind of
Haven.

I'm not supposed
To want roots
Solidified in the ground,
That was probably why
I was homeless off and on
Since I was small--
Well, smaller.

I'm not supposed to want to grow
In one place.
I'm not supposed to be the person
Who wants to stick around,
Even when they're not wanted.

I only stick around
When I'm wanted around,
Anyway.

I'm not supposed
To want to feel your hand in mine.

I'm not supposed to want to see
Glimmering blue eyes
Surrounded by sunset oranges and reds
Spiraling around seafoam blues and greens,
Smiling at me.

I'm not supposed to be honest.

I'm not supposed to be raw.

I'm supposed to be
Bare feet slamming down hard
Once they hit the gravel pavement.
The dirt road,
The sand path.

I'm supposed to be running and sprinting
As quickly and swiftly as I can
Until my lungs burn
And the rise and fall of my chest is too much.

I'm supposed to be

Bangles and jewelry
Clacking and clanging
And jingling like a bell
As I walk on air across the room
In a long flowing skirt
And puffy sleeves,
To read your mind
Or see your future.

I'm supposed to be
Crystal *****
And tarot cards.
Tea leaves
And the lines on your palms.

Instead

I am craving to belong,
I am breathing cold fall air,
I am sentimental pieces of paper
Meaning a whole hell of a lot more to me
Than golden coins and jewels.

I am the owner of a stuffed lion,
Not a real one,
That means the world to me
Because he was an imaginary friend for too long,
Until we bought him a body.

And I am squeezing your hand too hard when I remember
What happened to all the people I love
That intended on staying,
Not the flighty insects who flew away.

I am a hopeless romantic,
I am a believer of red strings
And a circle of life and things that are meant to happen that happen.

I am sitting here believing in
Meant to be
Story book endings
Higher powers that don't like getting involved
Angels that do
Tears stains that are worth it
Standing back up even when it hurts,
And a lucky scarf.

I am full of not supposed to be's
And meant to be's
And self-doubt
And ire
And fear
And Getting back up's
And Saying **** it's
And Doing the scary thing anyway's.

I am sarcasm
And rage
And tears that burn my eyes and choke my vocal chords.

But I've got running away running through my veins
But I want nothing more
Than to stay.

I've got running away
Running through my veins,
But I'd like nothing more
Than to stay.

And if it was to stay,
Right here,
Right now,
Right by your side,
Then I think
I'd be okay.

Not to say that I'm not
It's just that this is a lot,
All that I'm feeling.

Control.
It's about controlling
Myself, my heart, my trust in people.
But how could I not trust you?
That's essentially impossible,
For the likes of me.

I've always run away,
I just run away,
When I'm scared
When feeling gets hard
When the air gets thin.

I run away because
My skin is made of
Sun drenched pavement,
And my heart is made of frostbite,
Because hurt-people hurt people,
And I don't want to hurt anyone.

So run before you hurt them,
Run as fast and as far,
If you let them in you'll hurt them,
But I can't hurt you,
I won't hurt you.

Freedom is being free with you,
And if freedom means
Sticking around
I'll be around
For as long as I can.

But even with who I used to be,
I'm so glad to be this new me,
Because now I have a reason not to run.

If I've got running away
Running through me veins,
Then let me stay,
Let me stay with you.

I'm used to being overcast,
Kind of like a dreary
Not-quite-rainy day.

But something about you,
Awakens a sunshine in me,
And I light up like
I'm on the verge of a supernova.

And you kiss me
And you hold me
And like stardust,
My thoughts are scattered,
My mind is scattered
Across galaxies,
In hues of blushing pink,
Bruising purple,
And bright daffodil yellow.

I want you to light me up,
Like the moon turning bright red
During a lunar eclipse.
Offer me your hand,
And I'll gladly accept.

And I'm missing you,
And that fire that makes my heart
Shine so bright.
And I miss your heart,
Because in return, my fire burns for you.

I'm used to being overcast,
Kind like a dreary
Not-so-rainy day.

But something about you
Awakens a sunshine in me.

Except i don't.
but let's roll with it

I want to bleed
all the ways
you aspire me to
I want to bleed
all the colors
you could imagine.

I want to be beautiful
even when no ones watching.
I want to be the sunset
the sunrise.
I want to be the sunlight
for you
on your darkest days.

I want to be bleed
and I want to feel
and I want to be
everything you desire.

and I'm not the brightest
my cynicism has made me dull.
and I'm not the prettiest,
I know too many truths
to let myself become nothing more
than my smile.

heed my words,
heed my warnings.

I am more than you desire--

I hope you can handle it.

I want to brighten your day
With a laugh,
With a smile.
I want to take everything away,
And only let you have what's good and filled with light,

And I'm so sorry,
Because I can't do that.

But I can dream of holding your hand,
And I can remind you of how much I love you.
And I can build, slowly but surely, upon this foundation.
I can go "Aroooo" and be your little coyote,
Hoping to make you smile.

I can put the teal container I keep my headphones in
On top of my head,
And grin while you laugh
At my poorly done monkey noises,
Because the first thing that came to your head
Was that I was impersonating Abu from Aladdin.

I can whisper that I love you, Bluebird,
And hope that across a sky so blue,
You'll hear me.

I can promise that I'll run my hands through your hair,
When  you come home.
That I'll kiss your face,
And scratch your back.

I love you,
And I want to do
All I can
To make this a better day
For you
But I can't
Do everything I want to.

If I could,
I'd cross the distance,
I'd come find you,
I'd come love you.

The distance might be grand,
But know I'll never love you from a distance.
You are always within my heart,
And I love you so.

Okay,
Scream.
Okay,
Fight.
Okay,
Call each other
Every bad name in the book.

Glower and glare
And be mutually cruel.

Hollow apologies
Like hollow promises.

What am I supposed to do?
I'm so "mature" because
I'm learning from your mistakes.
Just because you love someone
And you're comfortable with them
Doesn't mean you're allowed
To treat them like ****
Just because you're
Mad
Hurt
Depressed
Whatever.

If you love someone
And they're important
To you
You treat them like it.

End of story.

Hear me,

I am the whisper in the wind,
The faint birdsong with the sunrise.
I am a lull and I am soft.
But if you listen closely,
I am thunderous though sweet.

You are the taste of honeysuckle,
The smell of dandelions.
You taste the way spring feels.
Giddy and exciting,
Finally at peace.

I hear you.

I am a run-on sentence said by too many people in too loud of voices that leave you bleeding and breathless without a purpose without a hope without anything because they left and walked away abandoned you just like the nothing they thought of you as because that's what you are, right? And I always talk about myself in the second person using the general "you" so I don't feel so alone, like it's only me and no one else. And I organize my words and my stanzas with spaces to make them seem more thought out, more spaced out, but in reality my brain and thoughts sort of work like a spider web, with bursts and explosions like galaxies forming everywhere, like stars and suns going supernova. And I'm going to rethink and think and think over that last line because a sun is a star, so of course it can go supernova, that was horribly redundant. But I'm trying to just write out my thoughts and I can't help but want to scream and cry and I want to rip my hair out I want to run away I want to feel my bare feet on the pavement or feel the grass beneath my feet as I sprint away from here, I want to disappear. But I can't so I won't and dear god, stop it. Stop taking your frustration out on everyone else, especially each other. How old are you again? And I wish I had a car so I could drive away, drive to you and so this all could just disappear. I don't want to be here, I want to be far far away. I've been doing so well, but now I'm falling apart.

"I was kinda hoping you'd"
Swallow down the fear,
Keep your head up,
"stay?"

Sheepish grins
And awkward shuffling of feet.

Body language,
And touching of shoulders
Arms
Wrists
Hands.

I spent my summer
Trying to get better,
And I've got to be honest,
I think I'm really getting there.

So when you ask me what I want,
What's going on,
It's stupid
But
All I wanna say is
"I was kinda hoping you'd stay?"

I wish i was brave enough
to answer honestly when you ask if I'm okay.

I wish I was strong enough
to demand your attention
and hold it for more than
five seconds.

and if I could hear you tell me
that you love me
or that I am worthwhile
maybe it would help
me stop feeling the way I feel.

but I am bruised and battered
just like always
and could you ever see any beauty in
the likes of me?

yeah, right.
I wish.

My father used to pour me
Blood from the steak he was cooking
So that way I'd grow up strong,
And I'd grow up passionate.
He regrets it, I know it.

My mother used to
Fill up pouches made of lambskin
With wilted flowers and salt
And paint angels on them
And hang them from my doorknob.
It was for protection but I don't quite understand it.

I'd write about what my older brother
Used to do,
But I'm just not in the mood
To cry.

My little brothers used to
Hold onto the hem of my dress
When something scared them.
They used to come to me
When they were sad,
And sleep on my shoulder
When they were young
And tired.

I used to
Keep rocks from the playground
In a hat box
Under my bunk bed,
Along with letters I never sent.

And I used to have so many stuffed cats and dogs and lions
That all had specific names
And stories
And when I moved time and time again
And when I was scared and alone,
They were the closest things I had to friends.

I used to know
What it was like
To be alone.
I used to be
Okay with living and dying
Without being known.

And I would rather,
Sit in silence with someone I love,
Than sit alone with the noise in my head,
Replaying every horrific and terrible memory
From the last ten years.

And sometimes I think about
How people miss being kids,
And how things were so much "easier" then.
But it wasn't that way for me.
Being an adult is hard.
But while I'll never really grow up,
Growing older is the best thing
I've ever done for myself.

And I wonder if you ever looked back
At the broken, little listless thing I was,
And saw something off, something wrong.
But I still doubt anyone puts that much thought
Into things like that.

All I can say is that I'm thankful
For you and your kindness,
And for the love that you've shown me.

I am glad I have seen
And been through
What I have,
It has made me who I am,
And it has made me the woman
That you love.

I hate to see you go,
so far away.

tonight's our last night
for a month
and my heart has been dreading
the fact that I know
I won't sleep.

wait,
please,
in this
moment
please.

just wait,
let me breathe you in
let me hold you
let me bask in the light
of your smile
your laugh.

the closer I get
to your heart
the more it hurts
the farther you are.

but no distance
can successfully demolish
what I hold in my heart for you
and no distance
can touch how much
I care for you.

I will yearn for you
until we meet again
but you must vow
to be safe
and come home.

please come home to me.

I feel like you think of me
As a child.

Pat my head,
Kiss my cheek,
I'm cute sometimes
I'm funny sometimes

But I won't get what you think
I won't get what you feel.

You're proud of me occasionally,
But you won't ever lean on me,
Or let me help you.
I'm too broken myself
To help any part of you.

And I'd like to say,
That after each wall I break through
There's another and then another,
But there's only one or two I've gotten through.

Maybe I am just a little girl,
A child who's been too used
And too injured
To really get it,
But that doesn't mean I can't get it.

Though I understand the fear
Of opening up to anyone.

There was a lot of fear
When I opened up to you.
I just kind of thought,
At first,
"What do I have to lose?"

Apparently a lot.

I have a lot to lose.

Be the girl who broke the moon.

Be the wind. Be the rain. Be the thunder. Be the lightning. Be the fire that swallows the world.

Be the boy who gave it all.

Be the smell of yellowing pages and black ink. Be the clumps of snow falling on a dark winters night. Be the pink of the coming dawn. Be the sunrise. Be the spring-green leaves on reborn trees. Be the sunset and all the wonders of the night.

Be the person who holds it all in their hands.

Be the tobacco smoke drifting off a corn pipe. Be the smell of fog on a long drive home. Be the storm that rains bullets and stardust on old rooms with black roofs but with no ceiling.

Just be.

Be the blue of the ocean, or the blue of his eyes. Be the call of the siren or the stars in the sky. Be the one that knows the truth. Be the one who speaks it loud. Be the rebel yell. Be the heart of gold. Be the renegade fist. Be pixie dust. Be a silver wish.

Just be.

Be more than you ever imagined. Be better than you were the day before. Be who you wanted to be. Be the person you needed.

Be the girl who broke the moon.

So I shouldn't be angry,
Yet here I am.
And I shouldn't feel hurt,
Yet there goes a tear.

It's just nothing,
It's not important.
Just my insanity,
Nothing really valid.

But my chest feels heavy,
And there's a lump in my throat,
And I'm irritated and a little hurt,
But it's not like it matters
Because it honestly doesn't in the long run.

And I could say all these things,
And trust me, I will.
But I need to calm down,
And you need to sleep.

I'd rather hash this out now,
I'd rather tell you I'm a little irate,
A little *******,
And that a whole lot of me is hurting.

I'm trying to rationalize it,
I'm just clingy.
I'm asking too much.
This has been bothering me,
But it's not really that big of an issue.

It's just my low self esteem.
It's just my being blinded by those before you.
It's nothing it's nothing it's nothing it's nothing,
But I'm crying and I'm angry
And it sure does feel like something.

If I breathe I'll start sobbing,
And the tears will come faster.

Control.
This is the control I have now.

If I don't breathe,
I won't cry,
I won't move,
Besides my fingers on the keyboard.
If I don't breathe,
I won't cry.
But my head will hurt,
And I might get dizzy.

Control it.
Ignore it.
Shove it back down into the inky black mason jar
Where everything else bad about me lives.

I can't let it fester,
It's like an infection,
It will only get worse.
But I don't need to handle it right now.
I'll let you sleep,
And deal with it later,
When you're awake.

I know I should breathe,
But for now I will not.
This is my issue,
My problem.
If I ignore it,
The monsters can get to me and me alone
Later.

You're just the air I breathe,
No big deal.
Doesn't make a difference
To me.

I'm just a nobody,
Silent as I wander the halls
Of misfortune and misery,
But every nobody needs somebody.

You're just the foundation
For everything I attached my hopes onto.
And I know it sounds insane,

But there are crows lining up
On telephone wires.
And ravens picking at the grass--
Or it would be grass,
Save for the fire.

And I can hear the beat of war drums
Beating along with the calm surrender of your heart.
And little things like to eat away
At me and my heart,
Like the fact that I'm not good enough,
Or for a little while, you'll go away.

And I know I'm still a work in progress,
I'm just incomplete
I'm just unfinished
I'm just still working on it
And you're just there,
You just know
You just understand.

And my head aches
And the rooms spins
And you're just the air I need to breathe
I'm just a nobody
But I'm gonna be somebody
To someone
Someday.

****,
I just hope it's you.

Just like birds
I learned to fly by being pushed too far,
but I pushed myself having loved you for so long.

just like birds
your voice is as sweet as any music
I've ever heard
(even if you can't necessarily sing)

just like birds
our love is an everlasting
spiral of color and light

just like birds
there is a ferocity to protection
and a mourning after loss.

just like birds,
life and love are found in the most peculiar places.

I wonder if you know,
How I love you so?

And if you could fathom
All the light
And all the warmth,
And all the colors
That shimmer and shine
Through out the sky,
Then maybe you could fathom
How much you mean to me.

If you could see
Everything good
And everything bright,
And all the hope,
And all the light,
That I tend to find
Within you,
Then maybe you'd understand
How much you mean to me.

All that's known
From here to the past
There is light
There are shadows
But take me to the lasting parts
From the past

And we're cold
And putting up fronts
Because it's a coping skill
And that jazz.

But here we are
Found together
Under cherry red skies,
Like birds of a feather
Or dying stars,
Seen distantly from emerald grasses.

If I could hold
Your heart entirely
I would hold it so close
To mine
That your warmth
And mine
Would flourish
Into ours.

You are the red and orange of the sunset
And i am the grey and blue of the clouds.

You are pink and blue and green,
And I am the lilac, the yellow, and the soft orange.

Hold me
To hold me over
I am cold
And i am calm
And we are the the daylight,
And simultaneously the nighttime.

For once I wanted to be
Someone worth fighting for.

For once I wanted to be able to look into someones eyes,
And not be so absolutely petrified of what it will feel like
When I lose them.

And for once I wanted someone else
To be afraid of losing me.

But I realize, upon feeling much lighter and sure of myself,
That it is a mark of maturity
When you don't want to be the storm that they chase,
Rather, you'd prefer to be the book they curl up with by the fire,
While the storm rages on outside their window.

And upon this realization
It occurred to me,
I am not on the brink of disappearing,
So there is no use fighting,
Nor am I close to losing the one
I love the most,
So the fear of losing him
Is senseless.

And for once,
I feel like I'm not out of place,
And I know I'm worth it,
And it's all because
I have found a truth
Within the likes of you.

I do what I need to, in order to survive. That's my purpose. Get out and get out alive. I'm made to keep going, I'm made to persist. It's why I'm here, why I exist.

But you've given me more reason, along with the others. More reason to wait out all these grey seasons. Now don't get me wrong, I am fine on my own, but being with you is so much better, so much better than being alone.

Because there's more to life than surviving, there's a portion of living too. And one of my favorite parts of living, also happens to be loving you.

I hate watching your addiction
Tear my family apart.
You've been doing so well,
So please put the bottle down.
I've asked you so many times,
Please just stop.

Stop complaining to me
About the people who are trying
To help you,
And put that bottle down.

And if you don't,
Please don't ask me
To sit back
And watch
You drink your life away.

Please just stop.

The lapis evening sky
Engulfs me
And I'm nothing more than
Venus shining in the distance.

But I'm nothing like Venus.
I am not a goddess,
Nor could I ever be the
Goddess of love or beauty or fertility.

I could never be a Goddess,
Nor would I ever choose to be.
Much too conceited an action,
A choice.

And while the world spins in colors,
In lights,
In rays of vivid feeling
That washes redorangeyellowgreenblueindigoviolet
All over me in tidal waves.

But I am bereft in color,
I am black and white
I am grey and I have lost all my bright,
I lost all my light
To the ****** of crows that eat up my insides.

And your eyes are aqua marine
With amber circles,
And I have sunset eyes,
But that's for another time.

It's hard to shake off the self hatred and loathing that comes
post-panic attack,
and it's hard to work with what remains
of your brain
when you're trying to fight off the flashback.

and it's hard to keep yourself
from thinking about it too much,
and it's hard to get yourself
to socialize.

but on a lazy Friday afternoon,
you're playing video games,
and I'm menstruating and craving
affection
skin to skin contact
mental stimulation
and various candies.

and I'd be a little more content
if my stomach wasn't growling in furious rage
at that.

but your focused eyes
and my appreciation for your
everything
is giving me a kind of hope
that I can be the kind of better
that you want.

I don't know
Who I was meant to be.

I don't know
Who they want me to be.
I have no idea
What I'm supposed
To be.

But I have learned,
That there is no use
Trying to be
Who they want me to be,
And there is no use
In living with "supposed to be's"

I have a new scar over my heart,
And while it can't be taken back
And it still hurts a little bit,
There's nothing I can do to mend it.

I have learned
That I am worth so much more
Than my scars.

These scars and these pains
Are parts of me that must be loved
Just like the rest of me.

And I have learned,
That you love me,
Scars and all.

I leave myself vulnerable
Because I wear my heart on my sleeve.
Anyone could come along
And hurt it somehow.

I leave myself vulnerable
Because I try so hard
And it hurts so bad to fail.

I leave myself vulnerable
Because I always get back up.

If you posted a cry for help,
A "I'm awake and hurting, who is up? I could really use a pick me up."
People would answer.

But would you appreciate them?
No, you wouldn't.
You've never been
That type of person.

You'd talk some sort of ****
About how they don't know
What they're doing.

You did this with friends,
With family,
With me.

And you'll continue the cycle
Until you're dying and alone.

If I did that,
People would answer,
Probably a little late,
But I'd appreciate the love and support
Nonetheless.

Because when I have an issue with someone,
I tell them.
And when someone tries to help me,
With good intentions,
I appreciate them.

I'm not saying I'm better than you,
But let's face it,
I'm a little bitter because of your lies,
And I'm still better than you.

If I had to choose
Between loving you
And seeing the world,
Well I'd pray to God,
That I'd wake up blind.

Because I don't care
About the past,
And I don't care
About what people say or think,
All I care about
Is you and our future.

I've been trying to compliment you
Through rhythm and rhyme,
But I've come to the heartfelt conclusion,
That these things take time.

And I thought for so long,
I was broken and damaged,
And after being told
For so long
All the things
That are wrong,
You came along
And started putting things
Where they belong.

And I'd rather see in shades of gray,
Than lose you any day.

Less is not more
When it comes to history,
When it comes to meant to be
And my darling dear,
I sincerely believe
We are meant to be.

Less is more
When it comes to
Needs and wants,
It doesn't need to be complicated,
It just needs to be real.

A flower,
A letter,
It doesn't need to be
Extravagant
You just have to
Try.

But less is not more
When it comes
To the years
We've had,
And the years I've spent
Vying to be
Right by your side.

And I may hide it,
But there's a part of me
That is ever so bold
In my affections for you.

If less is more,
Then just let me hold you,
And hear you speak.
I want to touch your skin,
And feel your heartbeat,
Because with every pulse
I know the world is a little brighter,
And the weight on my shoulders
Is a little lighter.

I fear getting attached
But it's way too late for that.
So remember my fingers laced between yours,
And remember my voice
And the sweet nothings
That mean everything,
Oh so brash.
And if loving you
Is sinful,
I will gladly take
Any and every lash.

If less is more,
Then fill my heart with love
Through one kiss
That will lead to
Millions more.

A life of paper stars,
Folded down into pages torn from notebooks,
Bent and creased into paper planes.

Let the wind take off,
And let them go,
Disappear into the sky.

I hope you find
Each word I wrote for you,
Because I'm letting them go,
Letting them go
So they may find you.

So maybe I'll drift
Off into a better sleep
When my words reach your heart,
And my heart grows whole
By touching your soul.

Listen to the music,
Listen to it play.

I could listen to our song
Each and every day.

And I refuse
To let stress bring me down,
And I refuse
To let anything bring me down.

I am whole,
I am strong,
And I refuse
To break
Due to inconvenient
Circumstances
And ire.

Let it play,
Let it play,
Let the world play along.

Put on a sad song,
And watch the world play along.

Put on a happy song,
And watch the world destroy it.

Dear Drift Compatible,

You are my best friend. We do not talk every day, but we do not have to. You are kind, and good, and loving. You are my best friend, and sometimes more like a mom, and I love you for that.

When I was broken up with on your porch and ever so suddenly homeless once more, you let me keep some of my stuff with you while I was in the hospital.

You offered me a place with you wherever you are if I ever need it, and that is the kindest, most beautiful thing someone has ever done for me. If I could compare you to a summer's day, I probably wouldn't. They're humid and gross and sticky, things we hate. Winter wouldn't work either, too cold and your heart is too kind and warm.

Maybe early Fall. We'll look back into it.

Thank you for being the Spock to my Kirk ('cause you make sense and I'm an emotional mess but we're both pretty smart), the Riza Hawkeye to my Roy Mustang without the weird ****** tension, and  the Fireheart to Graystripe because everyone knows you're the logical Fireheart and I'm the poor-decision making Graystripe. You are the Levy to my Lucy ('Cause Fairytail had to be mentioned).

Forever your adopted child,
Who needs glass when we have anime and cats?

Dear my Bluebird,

Tonight I wrote letters to those who have left me somewhat less than before, and one to another who has helped me put myself back together again.

Tonight I realized that that's okay, because what they took are not things that could not be replaced or renewed or bettered.

I know the subjects of pt. 1 and pt. 3 will upset you. I know you dislike the people they are addressed to. And I do not blame you. There's no reason for you to like them, especially as I have been left in the condition I have been left in.

I also know you will read this in the morning.

But I love you. I hope you know that your kindness and protective nature is something so new and beautiful to me. I hope you know that I appreciate you and everything you are and that you do. I also hope you know that I find you brave and brilliant. Hearing you speak about anything that fascinates you, really, stimulates a part of my heart that has never found so much joy in hearing another human being be.

I might not sleep tonight, but I might not have to. As long as I remember the feeling of your fingers intertwined with mine, some type of peace will be found tonight.

Yours truly,
your Hummingbird

Dear My Never,

It can be summed up easily, I never loved you. Every part of us, of you torturing me and my pretending it was all okay and I was just so in love and everything is alright because teenage heartache is beautiful--

It was *******. I hated you. Every second. And then it became some sick type of Stockholm Syndrome, where I felt connected to the peer pressure and the safety of knowing if I was still "under your spell" I could still be allowed to breathe.

Five years. Technically 4.6 years. But still, math aside, I hate you. Five years I wasted my life because peer pressure and societal norms convinced me what you did was normal.

But the indifference I feel towards you rings stronger than anything else I've ever felt. There's just nothing, and sometimes fear of the actions. Strange, but true.

Signed,
Glass half empty.

Dear Sakura,

You were my oldest and most consistent friend. Remember when I called you  toxic because I cut you out to prevent you from feeling pain when I tried to off myself, because I didn't want you at my funeral?

Remember when I got myself help so that wouldn't happen again and when I got out of the hospital you told me that I only care about myself so we can't be friends?

Part of me wants to tell you to take a nice long look in the mirror.

Part of me understands how you misunderstood what being suicidal does to a person. They cannot care about others as consistently as you need it while they're trying to find consistent hope to keep going.

And another part of me, the most influential part, understands it was necessary.

I cannot chase you, my old friend and my now nothing. I cannot chase someone who never intended on staying around.

I do not wish you harm, or ill will. I wish only the best for you, for your life. I hope you grow up quickly, we both need to. I do not think poorly of you. I am a little confused on your decisions, but I cannot bring myself to truly care. It would be harmful to my well being, and if you still cared, you'd be so proud.

We had a good run. End of freshmen year to this past May. We had a good run, I promise. Just know there had not been a person outside of my brothers and mom, until very recently, that I cared for more than I had ever cared for you.

I am glad you told me off after I got out of the hospital. It was my not wanting to hurt you again that lead me to get the help I needed. Though it stings to know you probably think poorly of me, I cannot let myself care. The closest thing I had to a sister, and the closest thing I had to someone that could understand without words (though I was wrong, you obviously needed some words from me to explain), is gone.

And rest assured, I am okay with this. We had a good run, as I said, but that was the last one. As much as I loved you and our friendship, I don't see any type of friendship for us in the future. Maybe the bad blood will go away. But I am okay without you, as I am sure you are without me.

Best wishes,
Glass Half Full

Dear Ceremonial Suit of Armor that shines too bright to be real,

I could tell you I love you. I could tell you I didn't. Both would be lies. I do not love you. That does not mean I never did. There was a point in time, before February, where I did. When I got bad in January, the process of falling out of love had already begun, because I could not remain loving someone who treated me as less than trash behind closed doors. I had only ever offered my body up to you as a preventative measure, trying to convince myself otherwise. I had fooled myself, and maybe you. I hate myself for it.

And your cruelty has left me wounded in a new way, but rest assured I will heal. I understand that you were already falling for someone else when you broke up with me on my best friends porch. Please understand that I am not an idiot. Please understand that I know the game fairly well that you play. Please understand you are no better than me when it comes to mental health, and no better than your ex's before me when it comes to games.

I am scared to flinch. I am scared to take the steps to trust people. I am scared to reach out, to be honest entirely and wholly. I am scared of the words "I love you" as they fall from my mouth, because what if they are met with the same cruel glare and ice cold, empty touch. There are words, phrases, noises, even songs that set me off. Not like the one before you. No, they set me off in a way that makes me see all the parts of me I am a vividly aware are not perfect. It takes a lot of breathing and a lot of focus to calm me back down and bring me back (on my own, by the way) to Earth where I can see that I am not horrible. That those were volatile lies spread by you and your temper.

I know you spreading lies about my mental health. I have been told by many sources, I have much proof. I know you are spreading lies about how I spoke about others. I hope they know you are not much better than the toxicity you spread with your sharpened tongue.

I am bitter. I expected so much better from you, and instead I was left with regret. But your nature and being that has left me limping has also changed me for the better.

I see that I am good. I see that I am strong, and I will be okay.

I do not know about you, anymore.

Sincerely,
Glass Shattered

I allow myself
To be vulnerable
Around you.

Because love is mostly
About trust,
And I trust that you
Will love the
More fragile parts of me
And treat them with care.

I am only strong
When I need to be.
Otherwise
It's a waste of effort.

My skin longs to be touched by you.
A sort of skin starvation,
Where short, sweet kisses
Only wet my appetite.

I allow myself to feel this love for you,
To let it make me honest.
To let it make me vulnerable.
I am willingly and forcibly dropping my guard and my walls.
I have been doing so for eight months.

And I will let you see all of me
For eternity,
Only asking that,
In turn,
I may see you.

Life is short,
But
Hope is violent.

It makes you think,
It makes you see.
It gives you the ability
To move forward.
Motive to keep going.

Life is short,
But
Love is brutal.
True love is kind,
And patient,
And doesn't begrudge you.
True love is honest, whether it hurts or not.

Life is short
But
Laughing is painful.
You smile for too long
And your cheeks start to hurt
And you laugh too hard
And your abdomen starts to ache.


Life is short,
But
Aren't all fun things?

I always wanted
To adventure
And life's greatest adventure
Has always been
And will always be
Loving someone else.

The reason?
There's a fifty percent chance
Of failing.

I mean seriously,
You could die
From a fall like that.

Or,
Just maybe,
You'll fly,

And find that the greatest adventure in life,
Isn't living,
No, it is living and loving.

All about doing the right thing.
Making sacrifices,
Tearing down walls,
Asking for help.

Doing what you fear most,
Taking the risk,
Going all in
Because the risk makes
You all the stronger.

This is life's greatest adventure!

Loving you is the greatest risk I've ever taken,
But I've loved you for so long,
I know it's worth it.

Anticipation
Devours me whole
As we get closer
To when you come home.

All I want
Is to be held
Within your arms.

But you're so far,
Far from me.

And I miss you,
Your heart and soul.
All I need
Is you,
To keep me whole.

It hurts so bad
To know that
People leave
So easily
And what does it
Mean to me
That you're not here.

There's an ache in my wrists
That begs that I give in
To all this dissociation.

There's an ache
In my bones
That begs for me to give in,
To black out.

And while I have nothing
No one
To ground me
To keep me level
I refuse
To give in
To that.

So
Light me up
With the
Fire in your eyes.
Burn me up
With the warmth of your being,

All I need
All I want
Is you.

Destructive,
But beautiful.

The outcome is annoying,
Irritating,
Frustrating,
Tear-provoking,
But ethereal,
At times.

I am a Storm Siren,
I call upon the chaotic ways of nature
To bring forth necessary damage and carnage
In order to inspire growth
And new life,
New perspectives.

I do so subconsciously,
I draw in winds
And thunder and lightning,
The destructive nature
Of rain and floods.

My lightning,
However frightening
Causes fire,
And my thunder,
Will pierce your eardrums.

My rain will drown your sins
With flood waters,
And my winds will
Tear the memory
From your skin.

And I despise my storms,
Because they personify myself,
But I'd rather be a storm,
Than a drizzle.

And I know one day
You'll find me in this storm
I call home,
And put roots in
So together we may grow,
Despite flood waters
And lightning.

And one day
You'll hold me,
And I swear your arms and colors
Are the key to halting
The winds and the thunder,
Because within your arms,
There's only a faint
Whisper
Of the pitter-patter
Of rain.

And when I hear your voice,
I am cleansed of the burning feeling
The fire gives.
Relief is sweeter
Than any pain.

And my heart aches
For your hand
To hold.

And if I gave into the darkness,
I'd find blood on my hands,
And a trail of regrets and sins
To follow home.

And if I struggled but continued to embrace
What little light I have inside me
I would feel a little stronger,
And a little brighter.

But I know that this
Darkness inside of me
Knows me all too well,
And it creeps up at the corners of my mind,
And slithers in through to my deepest
Most concerned thoughts,
And I've found I can fight it,
But only with the promise
Of your hand in mine.

Because the my light
Is too slight
Without the help
Of your bright.

And I'm afraid to say that I need
You,
But I'm even more afraid to say
That
It's so very
True.

And if I could tell you
That every light part of me
I learned from loving you,
Whether it be in that clandestine way
I had so many years ago,
Or the much more obvious type
That I display now,
I would tell you
In every way I know how.

You took my hand,
And I realized maybe I wanted
To hold yours forever.

You kissed each scar,
And I realized maybe
They're not so absurdly ugly.

And I'm crying
For no real reason,
Other than maybe
I would really like
You kissing my scars
Right about now.

And I really need to breathe,
I really need to calm myself,
But please love me again,
Hold me again,
Just like that.

There is a shadow,
there is a whisper
there is the hint
of something else.

the nighttime screams
in my eardrums
repeating songs
where I came undone.

and who I used to be
just isn't me
and everything is changing,
and maybe that's good.

I am glad to be
part of you
I am glad to be
yours

but I live in the space between
meant to be
and reality
so find me
buried in old songs
and the broken spine
of your favorite book.

I am the sweetest, warmest sip
of your tea,
and I am the the best bite
of your favorite food.

I am simple human pleasures
like the smell of the rain,
or vague, stretching pain.

I am looking deep within your eyes
and finding golden ore
among churning blue skies.

you are the lightning that fills my veins
and I am the light
growing at the end of your tunnel.

I am not
Perfect.
I am an
Extraordinarily
Flawed human.

I cry a lot.
I laugh a lot.
I yell a lot.

I am quiet when i should not be.
I am loud at the wrong times.

I smile when i'm uncomfortable.
I cannot cry when others are crying.

But i am full of love
And full of empathy,
Sometimes too much.

I am whole, in a different way.

You have taught me that nothing is irreparably broken.
I have learned that i am greater
Than just the sum of my parts.

Please heed your own words,
As mine seem to fail to reach you.

You told me I'm a lion,
That concerns itself much too often
With the opinions of sheep.

I worry too much,
Let's be honest.
I apologize too much,
And it hurts not to say sorry for that.

I am afraid
Almost constantly,
But overcoming my fear
Drives me
To be
Who I am.

If I am a lioness,
I am a queen,
And then I ask of you,
With a crack in the demand of my voice,
Be my king?

You claim I could not hurt a fly,
I could not hurt a soul,
But it is a choice,
Can't you tell?
To sheathe my claws
And not bare my teeth.

I could choose to be vicious,
I could choose to be cruel,
But vapid venom has no interest to me.

I choose to show weakness,
I choose to be vulnerable,
I choose to be
The me I accept.

Maybe I shouldn't concern myself
With the opinions of sheep,
But some sheep are wolves.

Though,
I suppose,
With the king of the jungle
At my side,
There's no need to fear
A pup that's too big for his britches.

Never try for perfect.
Perfect will never come to you.

Besides,
Perfect is no fun.

Perfect is no passion,
Perfect is sane,
Perfect is nothing compared to

Laughter over taking risks,
The hot rush of tears when you're afraid,
But the warmth of light and relief
When you realize there's nothing
To be afraid of.

Perfect is nothing compared to

Your face hurting from smiling too much,
And your sides hurting from laughing too hard,
And drowsily dozing off
To the sound and heart beat
Of the person you love,
Mid-conversation.

Perfect does not compare,
To conversations so deep and filled with
Hope and lighting up
The darkest parts of our pasts,
That when you fall asleep,
I cannot help but to think back to them,
And kiss your cheek.

Perfect will not ever compare,
To waking up from a bad dream,
Alone and scared,
Only to realize you should not be scared,
Because you are not alone.

And your cries wake him up,
And he holds you and soothes you
And suddenly everything is okay.

Perfect cannot compare
To having the weight lifted off your shoulders
Just by seeing his smile.

You might think what you have is perfect,
But what we're doing
Is filled with trying
And striving
And going for our goals,
But perfect is nothing compared,
To the you that makes me whole.

I've been in worse places before,
And I can feel myself tugging on the ropes
To pull me out of it.

I feel alone,
Even when you're here.

The weeks seem longer,
The days seem like two at once,
I just want you to touch me,
Remind me that this is real.

But you're distant,
And I'm trying too hard.

I try not to cry,
And I try to be cute,
And I try to be sociable,
And I try to be smart.

But all I do is cry.

Maybe you won't be so distant
Forever,
But it sure hurts
Right now.

"Precious, brave little bird, it's not you, it's never you, it's me."

And that was the kindest way
Anyone's ever left me.
There was no looking me in the eyes,
There were no disputes in color--
A simple text in white font,
Explaining everything without the words needed.

I was too much,
And they felt they were too little.

People walk out of my life all the time.
There's a lot of temporary people
That stumble upon me,
With no intention of staying or being honest.
But I'm a permanent type of person--
So let me tell you, we don't often mix well.

But it was different upon her exit,
Because I know she intended to stay--
But life doesn't always work out that way.
And I wonder if she knew
That she was one of the best people
I had ever met.

And somewhere inside my heart,
Where I have etched all across the walls in
Calligraphy much more beautiful than my own handwriting,
"Please be strong; Please be brave."
I have also hidden away parts of myself
That will forever be
Her brave little bird.