You tell me
That despite the stress
Despite the annoyance
Despite what it would do
To a normal person
I am worth it.

That we will live
A long,
Happy life
Together.

And while I'm afraid to believe you
I'm also afraid not to.

For a moment,
It sounded like you were saying
No one could possibly love me
Besides you.

But after some thought,
I realize you were saying
Loving me is a great task
And I am worth
The uphill battle.
That you are up
To the challenge of caring for and understanding
Someone like me.

And maybe I'll never be
Entirely okay.

Somedays it's going to be too much.
For you and me.

Somedays I'll break and i'll shatter
And collapse into a puddle of tears
Because I live inside my head.

And I wouldn't blame you for leaving,
Somedays, I'd leave me too.

But you say you're not.
And despite winter and it's cold winds
And frozen air
And suffocation of my will to be content
I will continue forward.
I will believe you.
I will not doubt you.

But you must understand.
Somedays
I will be touchy and scared and in pain
Because of the chemicals in my brain
And because of the past and all the scars I've gained.

But as long as you can still love me,
At the end of those days,
We'll be okay.

There's a funny part about life
That you only notice
When you've seen hellish things
At too young an age.
When you tell your therapist(s)
"Oh, I'm only 21."
When they ask your age,
And then they shake their head
Because
"That's too much for you to have
Been through
At such a young age."

And then he asks
"When did the __ happen?"

And you respond with
"Well, there were multiple. Lasted over a span of five years."

His eyes go wide,
"How do you trust anyone?"

"Trust? Ha! Not anymore, sorry bud. I'm just honest."
I laugh, trying to sound lighthearted.
I sound cynical.
I sound bitter.

But this was two weeks ago.

And today suddenly
Trust is coursing through my veins
And I'm confused, and concerned
Because I don't get attached.
I don't let people in.
I stopped doing that a long time ago.

First person in three years that I let in,
Left without a good bye.
Then the first person I let in
In seven ****** years
Tried so very hard
To shatter me like the glass he thought I was.
Silly little boy,
Silly little, foolish boy,
I am not glass.
I am iron,
I am steel,
I am petrified bone
That will break your fist
If you try to break me.

And now, the person I trusted
And let in
About eleven years ago in September,
Is the person I am letting in
Once more.

And it's different this time.
We're not kids.
It's not platonic,
It's not looking at each other
On a bad day and thinking
"Thank God, my friend is here. Everything is okay now."

Instead we're adults,
And it's miserable.
And it's romantic but fun,
And it's looking at each other on a good day and thinking
"Dear God, am I lucky."

It's like even on fairly clear days,
Everything is a little brighter.
A little more colorful.
All weights
A little lighter.

And these things you've seen
That I've seen
And that we've been through
It would destroy some people,
But I truly believe
That having been through hell and back
Heaven can't be too far off,
Especially not when heaven
Is being held in your arms.

I am an introvert.
I rebuild myself from silence.
I isolate myself when I'm upset.
I recharge all my stores of energy when I'm alone.

But I am also very bad at being an introvert (just like how I am very bad at most things, especially things that make up key parts of who I am).

I do not like being alone.
I cannot successfully live in a quiet house.

I need some type of noise to soothe my constantly-buzzing subconscious.

I have,
For the most part,
Been the truest type of alone
For the majority of my life.


But I can't keep it up.

I am alone all the time.
Pretty much everyday,
And I wouldn't be surprised
If it turned into every night, as well.

I am always by myself.
I always have been.

I don't think I can do this-- any of this-- alone anymore.

But I don't really have much of a choice.

Look at you.
So forced, so empty.
Look at you.
You keep snarling, "Why you? Why didn't he love me?"

Look at you.
Viciously pulling at marionette strings
That were cut so long ago with so many other things.
Look at you.
Stabbing picture frames.
Look at you.
Cursing my ****** name.

Look at me.
Eyes burning black as tar.
Look at me.
More deadly and more beautiful than a dying star.

Look at me.
Writing word after word, as though words could change anything.
As though I could ever change anything.
Look at me.
Covered in blood, covered in ash.
Look at me.
And you thought you could hurt me with some broken glass.

He yells in frustration,
Or you curse out in irritation,
And I flinch because I recall

Hard fists against my hips,
And knuckles into my abdomen,
And knees into my stomach,
And open palms against my cheek bones.

And somehow it is expected of me
To not flinch in fear
At thrown objects
Or hands coming too close, too swiftly towards my face.

I am expected not to shudder in fear
At the aggravation and aggression in someones voice
When it becomes too close for comfort.

But your hands on my shoulders,
My wrists,
My cheeks softly wiping away hot tears,
Gives me the ability to block out all this
Loud.

WARNING: NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART**

Fly, don't fall.

If someone is meant to be in your life, they will come back to you. You can try to move on all you want-- They'll come back if they're meant to, and the timing will be right.

You can try to hold onto someone all you want, also, but if it's not meant to be it's just not meant to be. Go with the flow. You'll figure it out.

Throw away all inhibitions and fear. There's no use being afraid when risks are meant to be taken. You might as well just go do the thing. You'll never know if you don't take the chance.

People will hurt you. By accident, usually, if they're good people. Good people don't hurt others on purpose, without a valid reason. Learn to understand this accidental hurts, and forgive them.

Remember to embrace what you feel. All of it. It will make you stronger if you can stand up from the negative feelings once they are felt, and embrace the one you love within the positive ones.

You don't have to be alone all the time. Let them in, I promise it's okay.

You look at me and i'm rambling
and I think to myself "cool your jets."

and I think of love in a way
with words like neat, nifty, and snazzy.
cute and short and unique and older than I am.

and sometimes I think of when I loved you first,
oh, I don't think you'll ever quite get how I loved you first and longer
than you've ever loved me.
I don't even know if you recall
the valentine I never put in your box,
or the many times I tried so hard not to cry in front of you,
but it would have been so easy.

and those years apart,
drifting in and out of being so lonesome and
being in the wrong crowd
I tried so hard to be normal,
to be like everyone else,
but you can't force yourself to love someone
especially when you hate them.
you can only fake it.

and to say I was a liar
would be an understatement.

five years of my life,
I spent faking everything
from smiles to laughs to obedience
to bravery.

and lost within my vulnerability there were friends
that I would gain
and I would lose
at their attempts at "blackmail"
and my attempts at protecting them.

and for a year, there would be people
that would use and destroy
the bits that were left of me.

and upon coming to,
I guess I really never saw
what love was.
I knew how to treat kindly,
and with love.
but I never knew it's face
towards me
until you.

and maybe I'm not the best person
to judge relationships,
but I do know when someone treats
another person wrong.
because it strikes me in all
the most painful places.

and I get uppity and brash
from time to time,
I can only hope
you understand
that it's mostly a defensive measure
against fear.

so I will sit in silence,
and bask in the warmth of your gaze,
if it were to find me
in the blue of the shadows,
and the red of my heart.

Love is listening to the same story
because they forgot they already told it to you
but you don't care
because you love the way their eyes shine
when telling it.

love is bonding with their sibling
over anything you can manage
because family is important
and so are they.

love is watching them play the same games
and listening to the same explanations
about the game
because you love how excited and focused they get.

love is sitting with nothing to do
while they play
because cuddling and cracking a horrible joke
is more than enough.

love isn't not eating what they don't like.
love is getting them food they love
even if you hate the food itself.

love is making a pouty face
if only to make them smile.

love is witty banter
met with an understanding heart.

love is awkward explanations
that are met with sympathy and/or laughter.

love is picking up right where you left off.

love is taking the dive
off the cliff
only to find that you're flying.

love is trusting the other person,
no matter what situation or circumstance.

love is waiting patiently
and only rushing if necessary or if it plays into a joke.

love is laughter
love is resolving any problem through teamwork and a lack of doubt.

love is a learning experience
that lasts a lifetime.

love is
or it isn't.

and finally
love is.

Lots of tears
Lots of panic
Lots of being
Wary. But!
I refuse to let one
Or two bad experiences
Make me miss out on
A life with you because
I love you. I just do.

Your laugh, your smile,
Everything.

I can't think of something I don't
Just love.

My ease when it comes to speaking to you
No forethought,
No pressure of judgment
It's like being able to breathe
Cold fall air
After muggy summer swamp air
For three months straight.

But then you said it back.
Wait, back up.
You said it back.

And you've said it to me at least
Five times today and it's only
6:55 PM (as I wrote out the rough draft to this)

And we can still speak
About everything from life to games
To geekery to the most lovely aspects of life and
I've been pretty happy at the most
For awhile,
But I'm flying.

I'm flying with you,
Bluebird.

Love someone who makes you think,
Love someone who makes you question your perspective.
Love someone who holds you after a nightmare.
Love someone who makes winter feel like spring.

Love someone who you can watch a fire with, and it feels like a light show.
Love someone who you can dance with (and it's not terrifying).
Love someone who you can see a future with.
Love someone who you can tell all your dark, deepest secrets to, and they don't throw you away for it.

Love someone who will be there when everything comes crashing down at once.
Love someone who will see you for who you are.
Love someone who will love you for it.
Love someone who will be patient with you and your broken parts.

Love someone who knows you and all your hearts' songs.
Love someone who knows what hurt looks like when it takes over your features.
Love someone who knows your sadness and your happiness.
Love someone who knows the difference between your smiles.

Love someone who sees how mangled you and your thoughts are.
Love someone who hears you when you say you're sorry. Really hears you.
Love someone who smells like a rainstorm.
Love someone who tastes like a warm fire when you kiss them.
Love someone who feels like you're finally home.

Loving you is like finally be safe and warm
After a snow storm.

Loving you is like the relief of being able to see
After an ocular migraine.

Loving you is the comfort of the thrum of a safe heartbeat
After too much sensory input.

Loving you is like when the clouds drift from the sky
After the rain finally stops.

Loving you is like realizing you were really just hungry,
And not really all that angry at all
And the laughter that follows.

Loving you is like crunching autumn leaves
And the excitement of fall.

Loving you is being able to breathe
After a night terror.

Loving you is seeing my favorite flowers
Beginning to blossom in very early spring or the warmer parts of winter,
And bouncing with warm satisfaction.

Loving you is knowing that anything you give to me
Is wonderful and beautiful and I am always more than honored to have it to hold.

Loving you is finally being home
After years of not recognizing myself.

Loving you is being the best I can be.

You're better at loving me,
Than I am at loving me.

But that's not saying much,
When you look at the scars and scratches
On my arms.

But I have sunset eyes,
And when you tell me you love me
So, so much
They shimmer gold and amber.

And when the wind picks up
The cold falls over me
And you meet my midnight eyes.
Frozen and freezing,
I am all and I am nothing.

I am the sunset,
Red and orange
And darker blues
And blacks cascading
Into the starry night sky.

But you are bright,
You are light.
You are sky blue,
And warm
With a passionate,
Determined intensity.

You're better at loving me,
Than I am at loving me.

And that explains
Why everyone else
Is so bad at it.

I am a firm believer
That those who are meant to be in your life
Always have a tendency
Of coming back.

And I am lucky
To have found
Someone like you,
Who wants to stick around.

So much love
In my heart
It over flows
And hurts.

I want so bad
To hold you close,
Alas,
I must wait,
But if I must wait,
I will cherish every second
I hear your voice,
And anticipate
Holding your hand
In mine.

I'm a lunatic,
Driven mad by the phases of the moon.
As the moon grows to full
I find myself manic,
As it grows to new,
I find myself becoming dysphoric.

I can feel facade
Slipping
I can feel the veil
Ripping

They say to fear those whose eyes
Grow dark like pools of midnight,
And to cower from those
Who have no fear for fire.

Understand my midnight eyes
Have never once feared a flame.

And though it was a fumble of my tongue,
I once told a priest during confession,
"Forgive me father, for I am sin."
And never have accidental words been so true.

Drive me insane by the moonlight,
And I'll love and live in eternal night.

The other day,
You told me that you think
We'll always be together.
That even in death,
We will be together in spirit.

I smiled in that sad way I have a habit of,
And I tried to remind you
That you don't believe in any of that stuff.

You were quiet for what felt too long.

And then you said,
"I believe in true love."

Today I checked the mail,
And there was an envelope.
It was addressed to us, as a family.

I have never been part of
A genuine family before.
I have never been part of something
That doesn't deteriorate and fall apart.

Before looking at that envelope,
I had never realized how badly
I wanted that.

And while I still don't know how to stay,
And I'm afraid I never will,
And I'm terrified that I can't,

The idea of leaving is becoming
Much less feasible
And much harder to think about.

So it's scary telling you all these things
About me.

But with your eyes
Locking onto mine
And my voice
Trilling around your name,
And your breath
Curling around the word
"Hummingbird"
In reference to me,
And my hands in your hair,
Lulling you into relaxation,
And your hand on my knee,
Keeping me grounded,
Or your arms around my torso,
Keeping me safe in a warmth
Within your soul

It's like fireworks
Or symphonies
Bursting into ambition
To keep going
To keep trying
To keep being.

Being near you
Is like being near something radioactive,
But the only thing radiating off
Is complete and total
Bliss.

And if you plugged me into
A polygraph,
And asked me if I thought we'd make it
To forever,
My answer would simply be:
"Of course I do."

But take out the polygraph,
And my answer will be
"Boy, do I hope so."

'Cause I'm not gonna jinx it,
But I think we'll make it,
I think we'll make it
Because we're fireworks
And symphonies
And silent nights watching stars
And nights staying up late
Either laughing or kissing or talking about things that get a little too deep
To parts that still sting.

And I wouldn't trade loving you
For fireworks we never got to see.
And I'd rather listen to your rhythmic breathing
When you sleep,
Than see the lights and colors of
Explosions in the sky.

I'd rather your kiss take my breath away,
Than any music or light show.

Your eyes make me melt
And that's a feat in itself,
'Cause I'm pretty cold.

And I hope I can make
You feel the same.

I was so scared to open up
To anyone
And now here we are,
I'm baring all that I am
And I'm scared it won't be taken well,
But these are the soft, vulnerable parts of me.

Take care please,
I bruise easily.

Every book I read,
Well,
They rarely end on a high note.

I sympathize with Dracula,
Being alone and a monster for so long
Is bound to drive anyone to the point of insanity,
Only wanting to be loved by someone,
The insanity of being the only of his kind of so long
Driving him to do it by force.

But I've decided,
I'll make it myself.
This happy ending,
I'll find it for myself.

And I want you to be there,
I want you to be with me
There,

I want you to be
My happy ending,
But nothing really ever ends.

I'm writing a story
Without an ending.
Please,
Be my allusion
To happily ever after?

There's only so much pressure
things can take
before they break
or change.

maybe I am broken
or just a diamond
in the rough.

it's hard to tell
some days

but hopefully
one day
it won't be so hard
to tell.

I am a
No good
No-one
and you can't
Tell me
Otherwise.

In the end
I've found
All that really
Matters
Is who you were to them,
A year before you died.

Because I put a bullet where I should have put a helmet,
Along with Honesty and Sincerity,
And all their friends and Virtues.

Rebirth is easy, it's living that gets tricky.

Reborn as a sinner:
Love me,
Hate what I do
Best.

What I do best
Is watch you fall to pieces
Limb from crushed bone limb,
And what I do best
Is write sad songs
That I hide away in a corner of my
Closet(ed mind).

When you die,
They remember you with flaws they had of their own.
They make it about them,
And their pain,
As though being a martyr
Could actually bring you back.

(As though a martyr
Could actually come back)

So call me Apathy,
That'll be my new name.
A lack of empathy
No pitying sympathy.

Because I cannot seem to make you realize,
I do not empathize
Nor will I ever sympathize
With you no-good
Nice guys.

I'm a bad guy
What can I say,
I'm the villain, the antagonist,
I was put here as a test--

I went wrong,
I went far beyond wrong,
I took a wrong turn onto the wrong path in the wrong forest
Where I just don't belong.

So goodbye for the night, and maybe the next few,
But remember my number not name, as only the living seem to do.
So just remember these words, from time to time:
I am a lack of the holy seven--
You see, in place and in honor, I make nine.

Why do people think cooking is feminine or weak?

I'm playing with knives
And high heat.

Waiting for the simply syrup
To heat perfectly
Or break.
Stabbing toothpicks
Into little cakes.

Getting my frustration out
But tugging and ripping apart
Blood red taffy.

But okay.
Cooking is weak.

Tonight,
I am manic.

A vast new world,
A different taste
From my dysphoria
From my fears
From my anguish.

I am hyper,
Hyper-active,
Hyper sensitive.

I twirl and flounce
All around
All around you.

I can be brighter
Than the sunset
And lighter
Than the stars,

But this isn't that.

This is random giggles
Taking my medication late
And cooking too much
Talking too much
Thinking too fast and too much
All at once.

This is reckless behavior,
Heightened *** drive,
But it's a back-and-forth,
Because my *** drive doesn't function
Without you.
It's a to-and-fro because you keep me in check,
You keep me at more of a balance
Than I had been.

But the mania
Still poisons
My mind.

Sometimes it's hard for me to understand
How someone like you
Could love someone like me.

I don't handle my bruises very well,
And I always question truths and facts,
Before I accept them.

I have great distaste
For people who would rather we all be the same
Than venture towards variety.

My heart bleeds much too often
For too many different things and people,
Leaving me without the room
To bleed for myself.

While you are strong,
And stoic,
And capable.

While I am floundering
For my own footing,
Trying to stand for myself
Rather than others.

And I wonder if you see
Me as a golden heart
With a rebel fist,
Like I know I used to be,
Or if I'm soft tones
And gentle hands.

Maybe I'm too skittish
To be comforting most times,
Unless it's an emergency
Of some sort.

Maybe I'm too soft spoken
To be anything like the pistol I once was.

But at the very least,
You see some good in me,
And maybe that's enough.

Flock together and whisper
Quiet calls of hurt pride
And spiteful fallacies.
Whisper things uncertain
Whisper "facts" so mangled
They are made to look
Like twisted fantasy.
Whisper softly
Whisper quietly
Whisper.
Maybe that's my problem.
I've been so busy
Spouting off the truth
That they just think
This shrieking revelation
Is screaming.
While you whisper lies
I will scream the truth.
Keep your head down,
Play a game of telephone
With hushed voices.
Get ready,
Though,
Because hearts of true gold,
Not fools gold,
Will stand and hear the
"Based on real events"
Battle cry.
- I wanted to be a vigilante but instead I work a desk job (Otherwise known as "The Unreleased Works of Those With Higher Thinking (our arrogance will get us farther than you)")

Watch me defy the world
To make you smile,
If it means
You'll stay awhile.

I will defy
All odds
To let myself
Fly
With you.

Every time you tell me
That you love me
It means a little more
Than it did
The last time
You said it.

And I know you mean it,
So it's easy for me to say
That we're meant to be,
Like the way humans
Like the smell of gasoline
Because that's the way space smells,
Because that's the scent dying stars give off,
And it  reminds us of our past lives.
(We're all stardust, anyway.)

There is a distance
within my heart
there is a distance--
I keep you at arms length.

when all I desire
is to be within
your arms.

I'll show you the dark
twisted parts of me
the patterns I recognize.
but I can't show you the good parts.
I don't believe they'll last.

but you say
you want
to stay.

and right now
I believe that
you mean it.

and right now
I believe
that you will.

I miss you,
And I keep trying not to think
About all the reasons I miss you
And all the things I miss about you.
Because if I think about them,
I'll miss you more
And it will hurt more
Until I hear from you again.

I miss you,
And your smile.
And your voice.
And your laugh.
And your arms around me.
And your lips on mine.
And your thoughts,
And your ideas,
And your colors,
And your absolute everything.

I miss the way you
Hold my hand,
I miss the way you
Kiss my scars,
I miss the way you
Look at me and smile.

I miss you,
And I love you.
And it's this odd thing
About how all the missing parts of me
Seem to be found
When I have you around.

I was ten years old when I had my first crush.
I didn't think much of it. I just sort of assumed
That you should care for your best friend enough
That they were the person you wanted to reach for
When no one else was there.

I assumed that love was the type of thing
That you give freely and kindly.

But when he was lost to me,
Due to moves and my own issues,
I held on tight to those feelings,
And attempted time and time again to let go.

But I never felt anything
Since then.
No spark of affection,
No desire to get to know another
In that sense

And I faked a lot of things I shouldn't have.
I faked affection and I faked caring.

I faked being a normal teenager,
Because normal teenagers have crushes and think people are cute,
And recognize attraction and flirtation and actually want to go to dances
And hope that the cute boy will kiss them.

I faked it all.
Because I never felt a "crush", nor did I find anyone cute,
I didn't recognize attraction or flirtation, and I would have rather died than go to a dance.
And kissing I found to be disgusting, I would have rather chewed on rocks.

I thought I was broken. That I wasn't quite normal.
That there was something wrong with me for being so utterly repulsed
By *** and the like.

And in a vulnerable, broken state,
I mistook a bravado of kindness that hid selfish intentions,
For a chance to normalize myself again.
And I broke further,
Through every time I was yelled at,
Berated,
Controlled.
Told not to feel,
Not to react
Not to respond.

For so long, I thought I was broken
Because I cannot look at someone and find them anything more than
Somewhat aesthetically pleasing (if even that).
I cannot look at someone and see any potential
Sexually.

And upon being with you,
And clicking with the conversation,
And that first hug,
I realized I was not broken.
Rather I was a lock,
That needed the correct key,
But the key had been there
All along.

You are my light,
My love,
My proof that humans have worth and value
And can be kind and good and honest.

You are warmth on a frozen night,
A fleeting memory that I tried so hard to hold onto
When the panic got to much.

You are a daydream
Whisking me away
From the pain of my reality
To find that the world is bright and light
And filled with love.

I love you more than forever,
I love you more than always.

You are the Bluebird of Peace,
That flew away with my heart
So long ago,
And when you finally flew it back to me,
My heart was still yours,
But your heart had become mine.

And I love so much more than forever
And so much more than always.

I love you more
Than words can say,
And all I can ask
Is that you'll stay
Stay
Stay here with me,
And I promise that I'll
Stay
Stay
Stay always with you.

I love you more than forever,
I love you more than always.

Remember that, forever and always.

Move over, move over,
I tell the devil on my shoulder.
There's no room for you here,
There's no room for you anywhere.

Move over, move over,
I tell the devil on my shoulder.
I won't listen to you,
I never listened to you.

I refuse to listen
To the lies,
And I'd rather focus
On the lights inside his eyes.

Move over, move over,
I tell the angel on my shoulder.
You won't want to see this,
You won't want to see what we've become.

Move over, move over,
I tell the angel on my shoulder.
"Don't fret, dear."
She whispers so softly,
"I am always here."

There's no more room,
For the devil on my shoulder,
With the weight of the world there instead.
I'd rather be weighed down
A little extra,
By doing some good,
Than be weighed down
By my own agenda.

The devil on my shoulder
Has packed up his bags and left,
Because I'm making room
To take up some of that burden
You bury yourself with.
You can't do everything alone,
And neither can I.
But together,
I think it'll get done
Pretty smoothly.

Move over, move over,
I tell the devil on my shoulder.

I can't finish my coffee.
And the caffeine hasn't kicked in,
But I think the meds are starting to.

I'm barely hungry.
Well, right now I'm not even a little bit.

I know I don't exude confidence,
But I'll get there, I promise.
I am sure of my abilities,
My intelligence (sometimes)
And my determination.

I am sure that I am good, and kind, and forgiving.

I just need to work on liking my outside self.

I'm getting there. I promise.

I'm going to pour the coffee down the drain,
And introspect for an hour or two.

Maybe I'll come to an epiphany
That I'm not entirely terrible,
And that I am enough, if not more than.

I'm afraid I cannot speak to you.

See, I have this
Strict rule,
About not speaking
To zombies.

And you're dead to me.

I swear
With every part of me
That I will love you from then, to now,
Until the end of days.
I will love you more than forever,
More than always,
For forever and always.

I vow
To love you
Through the laughter and the tears,
Through joy and pain,
And I promise I will love you,
Through sun and rain.

I will love you
For forever
And a day.

And I always promise
To stay.

I will love you under Spica,
I will love you under Praecipua,
And you can name any other star in the sky,
And I will love you beneath it.

My love is yours,
Whether or not you need it.

And in the years to come,
I will love you through it all,
As long as each and every day,
You remind me that you're here to stay.

And whether we be near,
Or whether we be far,
You are my Bluebird of Peace,
That's just who you are.

"The days without you
Bleed together
Until they are nothing more
Than another obstacle
I must overcome."

There is a twisted road
That leads straight between us.
I walk along the forked path
And no matter which way I turn
I always end up in your arms,
Lost in your eyes,
But I know you've found me
All the same.

Your smile is a warm blanket
As it gently settles against
The curves of my body.
Your name blushes my cheeks,
It runs through my hair,
Rests softly on my lips,
Tingling my tongue.

When the painful weight of missing you
Begins to put pressure against my throat,
Squeezing my windpipe shut,
I whisper that you are mine.

And suddenly,
Everything else melts away.
Suddenly, I am free.
Suddenly, I know home is not far off.

You will forever be my always.

Kiss my palm

My hand touches your cheek
My thumb caresses your bottom lip.

You can't help but finally smile at me.

You run your calloused hands
Though my wild tangle of
Dark fire hair.

You pull me close.

It is not what I expect.

You tell me
"I told you to forget."

I sigh,
"When have I ever listened?"

And once again,
I'm probably going to end up being
The scared, stupid, naïve little girl
Sitting in the corner of her closet,
Listening to the rain, the wind, and the thunder,
While waiting oh-so-hopefully for the person she loves
To love her back again.

All because she was dumb enough to think there was something in this world that's permanent,
Other than *"Goodbye."

Sometimes I dream so much
That it feels like I didn't sleep at all.
And I wake up with dark circles
And bags under my eyes.

And these dreams
Rapidly develop into nightmares,
And the most recent
Was where I lost you.

It's true,
Most of my nightmares are
Flashbacks
Or about losing you.

And the weight of hatred
In your gaze
Crushed my rib cage,
And I've never felt
Anything so painful
As to the words
"I don't love you,"
No physical hurt
Could compare
To the crushing sentiment
Of being outdated.

And while I am aware
It was just a dream,
It's driving me mad,
It seems.

And he wanted me to break,
He wanted me to be broken down
And damaged.
That was the intent behind his destruction
Of me.

Here I am, then.
Broken down,
Just like he asked.

My hardest days,
Are when I back track like this.
I've come so far,
I'm so much better than I was.

But today, I'm still pretty fragile,
Because my mind has been tainted
And my heart
Is still in partial fragments.

How you love it,
I have no idea.

But I trust
That you must,
Since you've stayed,
No matter my hardest days.

Sitting within the darkness,
Watching sparks fly by.
Sitting within the shadows,
Watching lights flicker in the distance.

Sitting within the twilight,
Watching something flicker towards me.

Bright sea foam blues and greens,
Warm and soft oranges and reds,
Spiraling towards me
And familiarity fills me,
And suddenly I'm trailing after this light.

I follow and I trail
And then the darkness recedes
As though it's terrified of the light,
And there's an open field where finally,
For once,
I can see.
I can feel.
And everything is warm and bright and real.

For once I'm here,
And I'm excited
And I'm so ready to be yours,
To be wrapped within your light
For all there is of forever and always.

But I love you more than forever,
I love you more than always.

Thank you for being my light,
My love,
My Bluebird
That I can fly away with.

Thank you for letting me fly with you,
I cannot wait to fly away with you.

I am coming,
For all his stars they turned to shadows.

I am coming,
For all the hurt they gave him.

I am coming,
For all the turmoil they put him through.

I am coming,
For all the demons that ever dared touch him.

I am coming,
To protect my monster.

For all they have put him through...
They have made his life a nightmare.

So I will become theirs.

Just get by,
Just keep going.
Just get somewhere
Where the pain is a little less.

But I have a new dream,
New hopes,
New ambitions.

You are my new dream.

I dream of waking up in your arms,
And giving a flurry of kisses to wake you up.
I dream of foggy "G'morning..."'s,
And warm and fuzzy
Giggling and kissing
And my fingers
Laced between yours,
As we wake up fully.

I dream of making you breakfast,
Because I'm actually awake enough.
And I dream of packing a lunch for you,
With leftovers from the night before.
And I dream of making you dinner,
And splitting the duties of clean up.

I dream of nights falling asleep on the couch,
Because we binge watched some anime or superhero show
On Netflix
A little too long.

I dream of water pistol fights
In the kitchen.
And nerf gun wars
Through out the house.

I dream of our first child,
And I dream of waking up at 1 am,
And figuring out whose turn it is
To soothe the baby's cries.

And I dream of long nights
And rain storms,
And dealing with toil and tribulations,
And fights that are sure to come,
That end in heavy sighs
And my resting my head on  your shoulder,
Shouldering off tears,
That you wipe away,
And dual apologies
That are sure to bring some kind of
Stupid joke,
That will catch us off guard
And make the both of us
Laugh.

I dream of a life.
Happy and full,
Something to be proud of,
However simple,
However honest.

You are my dream.

It's hard to be lighthearted
When you hold the strings to pull
Your entire world down,
In hands that shake with tremors from too many medications
Too many years ago.

But still,
I prevail when I see your smile
Over the storm clouds
That loom over my head
Daily.

They call it an illness,
A sickness,
Some that you can "catch" or develop,
And some that you're just born with.

People call it being broken.
That's why people act different.
No, don't take it back.
It's okay.
I don't want you to.
It hurts, but that's the truth.

Humans have a tendency
To be able to sense danger,
And those with hearts
Can almost smell the blood that stained your hands,
From a wound that's long been closed up.

And every now and again
It itches and I scratch at it,
And it tears back open.
Keeps the scar fresh,
With big, bold, iron scented "DON'T TOUCH" red warning letters,
I guess.

And I have these dreams,
Not so much anymore,
But I used to,
Where the world was on fire,
And I caused the burning.

I had these dreams,
Now not so much,
Where I was fall into nothingness
And swamp water
And the last thing I saw
Before my descent into madness
Were electric eyes,
Constructed of galaxies and bits of expired universes.

And I felt this hatred,
This deep burning rage,
Because I had no idea
Whose they were,
And why.
And I hated that they made me feel vulnerable,
And safe.
I've never felt that way outside of a dream
Before you.

And if it were wrong
to love you
then being right
is something I'd horrifically fail at.

and if it were disgraceful
to be yours,
then let there be dishonor upon me
and all I am.

and if I was a sinner,
you'd be my redemption

and if I found a light within my darkness,
it will be you and only you.

and you are my only want
and desire.

and I love you
so.

My wrist hurts
Occasionally
From where he pushed me
And i tried to catch myself.
It has ached on and off
For three years.

My ankle twists
Occassionally
If i step on it wrong
From where he grabbed me and pulled
When i tried to run
The fourth time.

My shoulders still hunch
Into a flinching form
From people whose quick and too close movements
Were intended to hurt.

And I'm ashamed
And embarassed
But i know you get it,
But there's more that's left me
Less than before,
Than what i've told you.

You loved others before me.
I tried so hard to love others after you,
When this crush was so unrequited.

Such are crushes.

But I loved you from day one.
Stubborn will,
Determined everything,
Lazy intelligence,
And ability to make me laugh.

And then after years of not seeing each other,
I saw you again,
And the feelings were the same.

And then after seven years,
They burst around me,
These feelings are flames and I am simply dry kindling.

And you saw me,
I think,
For the first time,
In a new light.

In the light
We were always meant to be seen in.

The light I've always seen you in.

And being in your arms,
However shy I am,
However skittish,
Scared,
Or nervous I am,
It melts off of me
And I am strong and I am kind and I am yours,
And those are the only three qualities I need to have.

I will follow you,
Wherever you need to go.

I will walk side by side with you
Forever,
Because that's all I want.

I need to be treated gently,
for I am somewhat fragile.

I need to be given attention,
and treated as more than a doormat.

I need to be made comfortable enough to speak,
so I know that having opinions is safe,
because it isn't always, I would know.

I need to be shown affection,
otherwise I get ornery.

but i realize that it's pointless.
I am a blur,
both here and not here.
you are the best parts of me
and more
and therefore
forever out of reach
because you hold so much back from me,
all the bad,
but most of the good too.

You disappear
into a different room.

I disappear
into myself.

you disappear
and I can't reach for you.

I disappear
and you don't reach for me.

and I can hear
hushed tones.

and I can hear
the slight edge.

and you can hear
soft whimpers.

and you can hear
broken sobs.

I worry
for you

you worry
for me

this whole thing
makes me nervous.

I am odd
off the wall
I am not unstable,
but I am not well.

maybe paralyzing
anxiety
and fear
get the better of me.

I have a constant need for permission
for approval
and it's wrong

but I want to be your
vision in white,
but with a name like mine
I'll probably be a vision in red.

I'd rather be
the one you come home to
the one that holds your hand
through the fire and the flame.

I want to be the one that has your children
the one that is irrevocably and eternally yours
to hold
to be with
to laugh with.

I just want to be yours,
and I cannot even fathom
being anything else.

I will never belong
The way I want to.

I will never be yours and yours alone.

My mind is too twisted
By my insanity
And you're too distracted
By
All of it.

("It" being every possible
Distraction)

I'll never be perfect,
I'll only ever be me.

And that is very, very, far from perfect.

You'll never know
How hard I tried
To be good and perfect
On the in-and-outside.

I choose to be this way,
This soft spoken with good intentions,
Because my flame has died out,
And does not ignite at its' own mention.

You'll never know
How many fights
My temper and flare
Have gotten my into.

How many bruises I can take the blame for,
How much skin torn like tissue paper
That's been on my body,
That the guilt for is mine and mine only.

I have learned to be
And chosen to be submissive,
As after awhile
Getting bloodied and bruised
Consistently gets a little tiring.

My bold statements
And harsh tones
Cause only pain
And pain alone.

I hope one day
You never see my fire,
Or taste the ash
From my ire.