I never liked smoking. I despised it.
I hated the burn I felt at the back of my throat.
Now I love cigarettes. I idolize them.
I crave the burn and the scratching I felt.

Sometimes you make me feel like a Chinese takeout bag.
I leave the building filled with holes and all I say is “thank you thank you thank you”.

Even after the alcohol is down my throat,
Even after the smoke is in my lungs,
Even after trying to forgot the memories you drilled into me,
I wake up the same everyday.
No amount of showers, alcohol or **** will ever get you out of my head.
I wish you would just disappear but that is hard to do when you are burned into my nightmares.

i bet she looks so innocent.
i bet she even looks like me.
i bet you made her feel loved.
i bet you gave her hope.
i bet you said you loved her.
and i bet,
maybe,
just maybe,
you hurt her too.

I don’t believe in true love,
for it leaves just like a dove.
He ***** his wings and **** he’s gone
he leaves nothing, not even a song.
Love doesn’t fill my heart with joy.
Love makes me bend until i break like a toy.
He doesn’t love you like you think,
so let your blood poor out into the sink.
Darling, he doesn’t care.
Just don’t forget, never leave your arms bare.
The scars are larger than his love,
now go to heaven on his dove.

I wasted all my money on you.
Not you as a person , but what you did to me.
Therapy, Drugs, Alcohol all down the drain.
No amount of money will ever reverse the pain
My feelings came like a storm as I opened the door
All my missing money now makes me feel poor
I wish and I pray to god up above
To fill my broken heart back up with love

I looked out the window and I thought I saw you
Turns out I only saw the figure of a hue
I really did believe that you were the one
But now in the day in the morning sun
Do I truly see the things you do
All because of the hue of you

Foot Tapping
Hand Shaking
Mind Racing
Walls Breaking
Strength Taking
Nail Biting
Head Throbbing
Knees Clattering
Teeth Chattering
Life Shattering

Hyperventilation
Depleting Frustration
Suffocation
A Painful Sensation
Desperation
Without Moderation
Devastation
Eternal Damnation
Deprivation
Emotional Mutilation
Derealization
Fear Escalation
Depersonalization
Self Extermination

When i said
'living on the edge'
this was never what i meant.
What i meant was a real party all night
without a parents' permission;
not a pity party at night
with my self destructing notions.
What i meant was real rollercoasters
or going on life adventures;
not rollercoasters of all my life's emotions.
What i meant was a swim in the ocean
or to face my darkest fears;
not an ocean
of my darkest fears facing me.
And when i said
put 'happy' and 'die' together;
i meant to 'die happy'
not be 'happy dying'.
My life is not what i had meant

i'm not sure what i expected,
but what you had should not have been accepted.
i should have seen it in the black of your eyes,
but they were clouded from all your lies.
i should have listened to their warnings,
but instead i was left mourning.
i thought that i was learning,
but instead i was left yearning.
You left with all my happiness,
and now all i seem to ask for is your forgiveness.
And even though i have not seen you in years,
i could still cry you a river of tears.
i would never accept the opportunity to try,
so instead, i guess this is goodbye.

i hate the feeling of sleet assaulting my skin because its sting feels so much like a strike from your hands.