You still cross my mind from time to time.
And I mostly smile.
Still so set on finding out where we went wrong and why

So I retrace our every step with an unsure pen,
trying to figure out what my head thinks,
but my head just ain't what it used to be.
And then again, what's the point anyway?

I remember you ascending all the stairs up to the balcony
to see if you could see me - hidden quietly away
And I remember the skin of your fingers,
The spot three quarters up I'd always touch when I was out of things to say.

You held my hand, but you were too afraid to speak and I could never understand.
I remember when you leaned in quick to kiss me, and I swear,
that not a single force on earth could stop the trembling of my hand.

I remember how you smiled through the smoke in a crowded little coffeehouse and laughed at all my jokes.

And I remember the way that you dressed and,
how we wasted all the best of us in alcohol and sweat.

And I remember when I knew that you'd be leaving, how I barely kept up breathing
and I bet if I had to do it all again, I'd feel the same pain.

I remember panicked circles in the terminal in tears.
How I wept to god in fits. I've hated airports ever since.
It must be true what people say, that only time can heal the pain.

every single day I feel it fade away, but -
I still remember how the distance tricked us,
and lead us helpless by the wrist into a pit to be devoured.

I still remember how we held so strong to this,
though we had never really settled on a way out.

I still remember the silence, and how we'd always find a way to turn and run to our mistakes.
I still remember how it all came back together just to fall apart again.

My dear, I hear your voice in mine.
I've been alone here, I've been afraid, my dear.
I've been at home here. You've been away for years. I've been alone.

I breathed your name into the air; I etched your name into me.
I felt my anger swelling; I swam into its sea.
I held your name inside my heart, but it got buried in my fear.

It tore the wiring of my brain; I did my best to keep it clear.
So, dear, no matter how we part, I hold you sweetly in my head.

And if I do not miss a part of you, a part of me is dead.
If I can't love you as a lover, I will love you as a friend.
And I will lay a bed before you; keep you safe until the end.

I hate being so anxious that you’re falling for someone else because they complimented your hair and the way you like to dress.


I hate being so worried that you’re going to be in a hurry to leave me without a warning.


I hate being so scared that you’ll forget the love we shared and look for it with somebody else. 


I hate being so paranoid that you won’t come home one night and that you’ll be in another girls bed. 


But I guess I signed up for this, I knew my own minds tricks, despite this I still agreed to try my best  to trust you.

God I wish I knew what goes on inside your head

I look past my reflection in the mirror;
whale-sized thighs, and
arms too big for the oceans
rain pours down like sharp daggers
into my flesh, and I’m tired
teeth hurt, and I’m tired
heart pounding, and I’m tired
my mermaid waves leave my head like
an old porcelain doll, dying
and I’m tired
I teach my body how to stop needing,
in with the calories, and I’m tired
out with the calories, and I’m really tired
silent screams echo at the fake reflection
that stares blindly through the broken
mirrors
**** me up, I’m seeing stars tonight
bones aching, and I’m smiling
bullets to the head, and I’m smiling
painstakingly dancing through the night
till I’m void of nothing,
they say empty is beautiful, and I want
so dearly to feel beautiful
calories scattered on the floor, like the
those scattered thoughts of everything
I used to be
and everything I am now
scatterbrain, tell me how you feel
when your insides are void of
self-love
you eat hatred for breakfast
and spit self-pity into your toilet
tell me again, silly girl,
do you feel beautiful now?

I'm a mountain that has been moved,
I'm a river that is all dried up,
I'm an ocean nothing floats on,
I'm a sky that nothing wants to fly in.
I'm a sun that doesn't burn hot,
I'm a moon that never shows it's face,
I'm a mouth that doesn't smile,
I'm a word that no one ever wants to say.

if the sky opened up and started pouring with rain,
The antichrist sent back on judgement day,
Would you be alright?
Would you survive,
Would you even be saved?

Take all of your sins and burry them fast,
Pray that they turn into seeds,
And then into roots and grass.
So that you'd be alright,
You wouldn't be alright,
He can see the graves.

You'll never be saved.

You are fire in the night.

A glittering sigh whispers across an indigo canvas, painting pinpricks of cool light along its way.
The stars shine coldly from their pockets in the sky.
But you.

You are fire in the night.

The moon-washed trees shiver beneath the cool gaze of the stars.
The stars. They are ice, they are snow, they are a biting winter wind.

But you.

You are fire in the night.

A ribbon of river dances off into the fading evening sun.
I am tiptoes in the day; in the day, I fall like water.
In the day, I want to stay; in the day, I do not falter.
But by darkness, I am dust.
I am flammable in the night.
Like the trees, I am moon-washed
         (in fact, I am moon-dusted)
and like the trees, I shiver beneath the cool gaze of the stars.
But you.

You are fire in the night.

You are fire in the night, and I
I

                I

                         combust

               as you approach.

The empathy of a teacher who hears that a girl they belittled  has commuted suicide.
The sadness of a parent who will always wonder why.
The grief of her friends, they'll always pretend that she never seemed sad in the end.
I think we should all take a break, take a moment to state that suicide is not alright.
We live In a world where our minds are swirled with poisionus lies.
The ******* irony of if.
To be told to live your life a certain way, will only betray you.
Now politicians wearing suitable-ties discuss the times that schools should be open, that hours should be longer, so more children will suffer.
See, our system is ******, we have people in charge of us that couldn't give a **** if we are happy or sad.
They just want more money to add, to their pockets. The *******.
So, it goes on. And don't you forget that girls last song.
That she didn't want to live on, that she'd rather be gone, than stay in a world where her heroes were dead and her enemies were in power.