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dex Sep 2017
I wish I had a better taste
Of letting go and moving on,
But there are so many moments I waste
Waiting for a brighter dawn.

I'm thrilled, I'm alive, I am so in love
And happier than one should ever be.
I thank my stars, our God above
That out of all, you've chosen me.

I'm sorry that I lie awake some nights,
I'm sorry I get so lost.
I know you tell me not to apologize...
But with no apology, what is the cost?

You tell me to move closer to the light,
To burn away all that is dark...
But I feel that all I do is fight
To forget this endless scar, this mark.

I'm sorry for the nightmares
That leave me in tears as I wake...
I'm sorry for the hours you spend there,
Holding me like a thing that might break.

This healing is a great abyss
(What if I never heal?)
And only your soft, reassuring kiss
Can remind me of what's real.
dex May 2017
“You have a very
          grey
   perspective,” you said,
“and I'm more
          black
   and
          white.”

I smiled as you spoke.
It felt
          good
to be understood.

“You analyze
   everything,”
you said,
“and I tend
  to be more
   gruff
and certain.

You think

     about

          everything.”

I do, my love.
And it
is a
beautiful
curse.

“In that way,
we are completely different.”
dex May 2017
I need you with me always or else never at all, for the leaving is too much to bear. There is only a single fixed point in this chaotic sea that is my soul, and that is love; a suffocating, drowning obsession with that which is near, near but not yet arrived.
     The death of me has vast brown eyes and a laugh that tastes like flight, and his smile is made of sun. I cannot breathe when he is away, nor when he presses his lips against my skin; I am breathless to the point of death, and it is as heavy as the whole of time condensed into the span of a few seconds.
     I want this suffocation or else nothing at all; this terminal lack of air or else the void of darkness that surely exists in death if a love like ours cannot endure.
     Hold my hand all the days of my life, or else never touch me again. I cannot bear this in between.
dex Oct 2016
You make me strange.
Never was there ever another person whom I was content to allow to speak for me,
Not until you.
You make me strange.
There is a tide that rises within me
And I simply cannot hold it back
And this is why
When I am in your arms
I bubble with laughter
Like a roving river
That has finally met the sea.
You make me strange.
There is a tide that rises within me
And it simply overwhelms
And this is why
I am so often unable to speak
Like the passage of time
Seen only by the owl's eyes.
You make me strange.
Always, I have known
And this knowing simply was
And simply, it was mine
Until you.
And now I see my knowing
Is borne by another as well,
An endangered species
A thing on its last limb
Down in adoration, falling.
Dying, yet alive and well
Carrying light to the furthest corner.
You make me strange.
The day slips away from me,
And suddenly I smell like you
And the sky is dark
And I am well, with you.
I miss home, but not in your hands
Not with my toes tucked under your leg
Like a tired, nervous child
Because home has become a person
With a forest floor for eyes and a sun for a soul
Because in you, I see everything
Everything I have ever loved
And everything I ever will love
And I think I finally understand.
You make me strange,*
and yet,
you make me make perfect sense.
dex Aug 2016
[read the parts that look like gibberish backwards]*

July 24, 2016

When the sun rises in the West,
           that is the day I will forget
           the day that I will reinvent
           the day that I will cease to exist.
There are times I fight fire with fire,
           and when it is ice, I am more actor
           and when it is water, I am more faux
           and when I forget, I am more myself.
More often than I care to admit,
                            I am quiet because I cannot
                                                        speak
  ­                                                breathe
         ­                                                  dream
                            I am quiet because I do not know
                                    what else
                                           to be.
I never meant to be your ghost.
I never meant to be your grief.
I never meant to be what I am, but I
do not     have               a   say.
I am change,       am adaptation
  am fear,             am recognition
I don't know how to tell you what I am,
I don't know what I am myself.

    of course I remember
    of course I
    of course

Don't let me leave, or I will go.
This thing that I will always know,
will take me away before you can say, no.
Don't let me go, or I will leave.
This tendency is to deceive,
is to protect all those who grieve.
My love, I cannot breathe.
My love, I cannot breathe.
My love, I cannot breathe.

I left behind that second soul.
I left behind all that I know.
I left behind, and so I grow.
luos dnoces ym dniheb tfel i.

I do not know who, but I can guess as to what-
dangerous
treacherous
dangerous
-I am.

I say to run if you know how,
  say, I'd run, if I knew how
  say, I'd run, but where would I go?
I would run to you, and what good would that do?
I would run to you, I would beg you to run, too,
                                 I would teach you
                                 I would show you
I would do my best to unknow you
             for I am dangerous,
                   I am.
I'd unknot you and set you free,
I'd show you all I'll never be
I'd show you how to leave me.
I'd show you how.
I'd show you.
I hear the stars sing,
they mimic
those words, those words:
“To protect you”
In a voice that haunts my sleep,
Like a face that travels my dreams.
A warning I cannot scream.
A life that is all I see.
A you that is more me than me.

Oh, how I wish I could tell you.
uoy evol i,
eid lliw eno, erif hguone toh ot dna
em si ti yarp i
em si ti yarp i
em ekat esaelp, erif, **
evael ton lliw eno siht fi.
erif, **.
htob su llik tonnac i
ton lliw
erif ot eid tsum eno fi tub
em si ti yarp i
em si ti yarp i
em si ti yarp i.

deb nwo ym ni peels tonnac i kniht uoy od yhw?
thgir ehtaerb tonnac i, evol ym
ereht ma i nehw ton.
maerd i nehw ton
kaeps ot yrt i nehw ton
diarfa os ma i, evol ym.
elims i, ecnelis ot deirram
diarfa os ma i dna.
eil a i ma? rotca na ma i.
diarfa os ma i.
diarfa os ma I dna, hturt si tahw ton wonk i.

July 25, 2016

I was an earthquake before you found me.
I was the antithesis of calm,
                                 of rational
                                 of right
                                 of sincerity
I was a wrong, I was a lie
                         (eil a i ma?)
I was,     I was
I   cannot   be
          not now or in a hundred years.
I am changed.
Will be changed.
Am. I am changed.    i   a m   c h a n g e d

The name of a rain gauge living in the desert
  her name is hope
                   is why
                   is let go
                   is forget
  her name is never again.
She is dry, dry, dry.
She catches tears, she does not make them.
She does not cry.
But she dies to hot enough fire,
          (eid lliw eno, erif hguone toh ot)
       she is the one it will be
       (em si ti yarp i)
       she.
       (em si ti yarp i)

Time, the illusion, he is a key player
            he scrambles words like eggs
       (sgge delbmarcs sih dah uoy evah?)
            he steps by when no one is looking
       (spets eh yaw eht nees uoy evah?)
Time, the illusion.

Sister, the allusion, she is question and is queen
             her intentions crystal clear
             her approach direct and true.
Sister, the allusion, foreboding
                                 correct
                                 impossible
                                 right
sister. the allusion.

July 26, 2016

did you know that she cries in her sleep?
          her parents always just say she's not a talker
          because they can't stand to tell people
          that she is actually a crier
          and she doesn't blame them.
did you know that he loves music?
              only because he can't have it, you see
              only because no one else tasted that night
              only because he can never go back.

The November sunshine is a lovely thing.
   (emoh nrehtron reh)
In those days before Death showed its teeth,
     those days were so very warm,
                                  so very kind.
when the lighting was good
I swear, we could see for miles.
we had so many plans for the years to come.
             so many ideas
             so many hopes
they still visit occasionally, you know
they come through the back door
they think it is still their house
they think they are still welcome here
they never noticed that everyone else was gone
they never smelled the death on my hands
they never saw the blood on my shoes
they never saw the blade on the bathroom counter
they never slipped in the tear stains on my cheeks
they never realized the fridge stayed full
                                       while I stayed empty
they never saw the plea in my eyes
they never trusted the cross hanging on my neck
                                                   but i did
Or at least I thought                        i did.

those old smiles
                 dreams
                 hopes
                 ideas
                 prayers
                              they will not leave me be.

Do you know what a living lie looks like?
I know that you do. I do, too.
She can be beautiful, can't she?
reh ta kool neve uoy nac woh?
reh evol ot dnats uoy nac woh?

i    a m    c h a n g e d
i    a m    c h a n g e d
i    a m    c h a n g e d

derednow i nehw gnorw ton saw i, llew
flesym gnihsawniarb saw i fi.
thgir i saw?

You are rather quite good for me, see:
I forget when I am with you.
I am so focused on you
        worried about you
that I forget to remember,
and I think it is a new sort of lovely,
like a snapdragon planted in a snowdrift,
like the asteroid belt, but sideways.
like Orion, like his precious indifference.
Like a thing I should be sorry for,
         but all I can muster is a thank you.
a snapdragon in the snow.
a snapdragon.

white suits me just fine.

i do not know what is real.

July 31, 2016

did you know
that four days ago,
I slept in a real bed
               for the first time
              in nearly two months?
               four nights I retired
               to a real bed
I am now back to my futon
           or that narrow rock shelf
                         as I believe I once called it.
I haven't slept much the past four nights,
but when I did, I dreamed of you.
                (I always do)
It's been spoiled for me now, sleeping in a bed.
I shouldn't say it, but here
                   ( and only here )    I will:
I never want to sleep in a bed without you again.
It goes even deeper than an
            i don't want to       an
            i never want to

it is also an
   i cannot.
Simply put, I cannot.

I've tried, my love, I truly have, but
                 my eyes will not close
and when they do,
               I see only you
                 my lungs will not breathe
and when they do,
               I swear I breathe you
                 my heartbeats will not slow
and when they do,
                I know I hear you.
I can't fall asleep; not even the restless kind.
Not there, not in that place.

I have not cried myself to sleep in a long time,
but I did that last night.
I prayed until my mind was numb
                       my face, numb, too
(the Hail Mary is my favorite
          and I didn't know who else to call)
but my waterproof heart stood strong
and sent me dreams of you.
the ones of you are always so
             simple
           quiet
           calm
yet those brief moments make me feel
as though you've been there all along.

I was so thankful that I got to see you tonight
               that you held me in your arms
                       you rubbed my back
                       you kissed my face
                 (oh, what a joy to be yours)
I didn't mean to keep you late
My love, I hope you know
Anywhere you want me:
This is where I'll go.

My dearest love, I hope that you can sleep.

August 5, 2016*

My life, my days, I have a confession to make– a few things to say–

G: I know you see it all, and I hope you can forgive the things I forget to say. I hope you can stomach the thing that I have become. I hope you can stand it when the time comes.
J: I'm sorry she missed your funeral because of me; it's a thing that haunts me in the night
G: I tried to run at the gun, but somewhere along the way I became the gun. I mow them all down just by breathing. Is this what you had in mind when you said I was a gift?
D: I don't blame you for what you do. I'd be trying to drown my misery, too, if I could stand it
J: I know why you didn't go to the hospital for all those weeks, and I'm sorry I didn't get to you sooner. I hope that things are better now. I hope you'll break the pattern.
J: I am so sorry for what I did to you. I can never repair that damage and I will never forgive myself, not even after I'm dead
M: you're the bravest person I know. I'm sorry this is all you've been given
P: you must have been something special, for her to love you like that. Thank you for being what you were for her.
M: I'm sorry for coming to see you the last time. I didn't realize you had forgotten who I was and I didn't mean to upset you so close to the end
G: I wish I knew how to ease this pain for you, how to speed the process of this healing
L: you were right all along, and I still wonder what would have happened if I'd never thrown you away
M: of all the things you said to me when I couldn't sleep, “to protect you” is the phrase that echoes in my mind every time I walk into a dark room. I still flinch at shadows, I still love dragonflies, I still have my guardian, I still remember
E: two planets colliding, you shattered me. I'm sorry I left my mark at all, I'm sorry I burdened you
H: November thirtieth, I was saying goodbye in the loudest way I knew how, the tailgate, your laughter, and the stars. I think you'd been drinking that night. I promised I'd never forget. Still haven't
A: I still whisper “rainbird” and think of you, of that summer, of those dreams. I remember all the time
S: you were so beautiful. We never told you enough. Your laughter still echoes in the hallways of my heart on the warmest summer nights
C: I'm sorry I am where I am, I'm sorry I know what I know, I'm sorry that I can never fall in love with you, that I can never go back
S: I should have never fed the little wolf that growled, “chase her,” should've locked it away to starve in the darkness. I'm so glad I never ruined you, I'm so glad you stayed so far away
H: it will never go away. I'll always miss the precious gemstones you carried in your eyes, the summer night that never was
A: things never should have gone that way. I'm sorry I destroyed something so true and hopeful
T: we would've drowned in each other's misery, we can't even swim in our own oceans, it's better this way, I know that you agree
S: I should've seen the signs, I should've made a change. I hope you're eating again, don't become your mother's daughter
A: even our music couldn't bridge the gap that 1700 miles creates. I don't know how to not miss you, I hope you never miss me
M: I'm so sorry for what I said to you, I'm so sorry I wasted our last moments together, I'm so sorry I let you hurt for so long, I'm so sorry I didn't know, I'm so sorry I pretended I still didn't once I finally did. You were the quietest secret
T: would that I could, you know that I tried
K: you had a chance, you always had a chance
G: you're the only one I cannot fathom
H: I should've been better, simple as that. It'll always be love but it'll always be an afterthought
C: should've never let you get to me, should've never stooped, should've quietly walked away
J: I'm sorry you were caught in the crossfire
M: thank you for always being my older brother, for loving me even when I was so awful to you, when I was so awful to everyone.
M: I'm sorry that I was so mean. I was so sick, still am, always will be, but I'm kinder about it now
E: I didn't know how to do better
S: how did we stray so far? The sickness started early for us; I'm sorry I went along with it
P: I'm sorry I don't defend you better, I'm sorry I didn't turn out to be the person you thought I'd be
K: I always wanted to be like you.
R: you were the best medicine, once upon a time
G: I still smile when I think about you, I hope life is treating you well, I hope you never give away that precious grin of yours, I hope that you're happy

My song, color,
do you believe what I have become?
I cannot bear it when you will not look at me
I'm the lonely kind of miserable that just is
the kind that never goes away
because it has always been there

my favorite sound has always been
the nuclear alarm siren
so maybe that's why, when I heard your voice,
i couldn't stay away
maybe that's why
as I join the wreckage left in your wake
I am content
because I knew the blast was coming
the instant you opened your mouth
to say hello
maybe that's why
I still confuse “hello” with “goodbye.”
dex May 2016
A starless night, save for the city lights.
Keep the rain to yourself; I prefer to drink my lightning dry.
Have you ever wondered why you keep having that dream? Have you asked?
Perhaps the things we feel we should have been born to do are things we've already done.
Perhaps all you are is a scratch on someone's favorite CD. Haven't you ever thought?
No.
See, I'm the character that always survives in the Greek tragedies of old. You know, the one no one needs to root for. But I tire of watching my friends expire.
The runway lights aren't all that visible from way up here, but I suppose that's alright. I'm good at crash-landing. Surely that counts for something.
The people and their secrets.
Hiding in the light. I cannot stand it.
Why is it that some cannot feel the electricity?
I cannot fathom, I cannot imagine. Why are we not all wired for such things?
Leaving you is like walking across an oyster reef barefoot in ankle deep water.
Yeah, ouch.
I do not want to say goodbye anymore. I do not.
I do not wish to endure the rain alone any longer. I do not.
No.
The only way I even stay sane is by pretending the thunder is your heartbeat, don't you see?
But even so, there is no substitute.
There was only ever one, after all, until I found you. And now, I am beautifully lost and confused.
I scream at the sky, but it does not heed my cries.
Oh, how I ache.
Oh, how I crumble, like some tired temple.
So, finally, I am silent. For, second only to you, silence is my safest place.
dex Apr 2016
You are fire in the night.
A glittering sigh whispers across an indigo canvas, painting pinpricks of cool light along its way.
The stars shine coldly from their pockets in the sky.
But you.
You are fire in the night.
The moon-washed trees shiver beneath the cool gaze of the stars.
The stars, they are ice, they are snow, they are a biting winter wind.
The moon-washed trees, oh.
See how they shiver.
The moon-washed trees, they *shiver
beneath the cool gaze of the stars.
But *you.

You are fire in the night.
A ribbon of river dances off into the fading evening sun.
I am tiptoes in the day; in the day, I fall like water.
In the day, I want to stay; in the day, I do not falter.
But by darkness, I am dust.
I am flammable in the night.
Like the trees, I am moon-washed
         (in fact, I am moon-dusted)
and like the trees, I shiver beneath the cool gaze of the stars.
But you.
You are fire in the night.
You are fire in the night, and I
I

                I

                         combust

               as you approach.
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