I feel my mind spinning
Like wheels on a car
Always ever moving
But staying where they are

i am afraid,
one day I can’t recognize myself

I find it strange that when I look into your eyes I'm not met with an endless starry sky. The world around me doesn't freeze or turn monochrome around everyone but you. I don't see an endless sea or visions of a setting sun, no matter my determination. So how do I know it is love if it isn't as the words I've heard all my life describe?

Yet my heart still drops when you walk into the room, even when your focus is a place far off. People say it's like a flutter but this is far too heavy to use such a light word to describe such a feeling. It's painful, but I know it isn't something ominous or bad because it feels right. How do I know it is love if none if my words describe it right as they should?

I get it every time our eyes meet or you tilt your head and smile with your head in the clouds. I get it when you laugh to yourself or say something hardly above a whisper. When you focus so hard you ***** up and let out that silly sigh of aggravation and I feel such deep affection. Yet is it alright for me to say what I feel is love when I can't even tell myself what love is?

I don't think your eyes need starry skies or my stomach needs a million butterflies. Your smile doesn't need to illuminate the room and my thoughts for you don't need an anchor. Your love shouldn't have an expectation and my words don't need to have a proper diction.

Perhaps I'll see it in your heart or feel it in your touch one day if you feel the same regardless of what the world has sold me with their modern day poetry. I promise you that no matter how hopeless I become I will find out for myself  what it means to love you wholly, even if I have to find out from loving at a distance.

i did it.
i finally let the thoughts take over.
im sick.

Headache of a girl
stepping on sobbing floorboards,
rusty pipes and lonely nights.
I start my own fires,
tend to sweat out kerosene.

Rinse myself with ***** water
dripping from cracks above.
Break open a window-
smoggy air love, right hand slug.

You’re still sound asleep,
yet I stand in the city
interrupted by sirens
and memories of you.

What a pity.

i'm always naked
sure, it's beneath my visible clothes
and yeah, when i'm in the shower
and more or less every time i'm home alone
but there are other times
other whimsical nonsensical times
when i'm fully ****
and nobody even notices
when i'm raw
when i expose any facet of my idiosyncrasies
when i fall
when i suppose i'm in pain purposefully
when i draw
when i paint with a purpose to show my sadness and rage
when i write
when i put words to use in the way conversation betrays
people react to ****** in various levels of extreme
some get aroused
some get repulsed
but nobody seems to appreciate the nakedness of my raw mind
completely exposed
full frontal
appreciate it or just don't look

What does it mean to cry
When feelings stay locked from the
Surface
Emotions I fear
Crammed into small tears
The tears that I make myself
Forfeit

What does it mean to hurt
When the scars are from those
Who don’t know you
They’ve watched you grow up
And you feel their love
But they don’t know the real you

When I’m asleep I run
Down a path in a gold
And green
Meadow
And someone’s out there
With true love to share
Then I wake in the real world
Feeling alone

Alone
I’m home
That shouldn’t be so
Where’s the log to my fire?
Because I’m working for me
And I’ll never retire

Bring on the thunder!
Bring on the rain!!
There’s no true life
Without some small pain
So I’ll be the thunder!
And I’ll be the rain!!
I know how to cry now
So I’ll work through the pain

If I’m coming alive
I acknowledge I hurt inside
My tribulation brought me to salvation
I had to suffer to write
I don’t need you to understand my plight
Just know that I’m coming alive

May be I will drink a peg of whiskey
and
not remember you
today.

May be I will drink a peg of whiskey
and
sleep instead
today.

I wonder what it would be like to die for ten minutes.
for ten minutes, to be at peace.
to be free from the chaos.
for ten minutes, I wonder what I would miss in life
wondering if anyone would even care if
I was gone.

for ten minutes.