I thought I had it all figured out
I felt strong
in control.
Now that I've seen you
everything is out of place.
Yet it could not be more perfect.
Yes, we fight.
Yes, I cry and I suffer.
But when you look at me
the whole world disappears
and suddenly,
my heart skips a beat.
There's no place I'd rather be
I can't count how many poems
and songs and plays and movies
have been written for love.
Nearly every one of them
Yet none of them has ever existed
For you are here, now, with me.

Surrounded by family
People I've known all my life
Yet I feel my heart stone cold and numb
We're not the same people anymore.
I've changed. I've come so far.
I'm sorry. I can't take you on this
new journey with me.
My happiness is at the distance
and I want to reach it.
It's been everything a person can feel.
Thank you
Now, it's time for me to spread my wings.

I designed it just for you
hoping never to use it.
A special place
in the kingdom of lost souls.
I have decorated it with
nothing but joyful memories
and I added even a sprinkle of forgiveness.
Forever far far away
our paths break apart.
I put high up in my kingdom
A mountaintop of golden grass
And us standing opposite each other
I never needed subjects
to rule the best part of the world.
I only needed a warm heart
that sometimes seems irreversibly frozen.
But then I go back to my special kingdom
and for a few moments
I look at all these special thrones.
The water of redemption must come
and the sun beams will instill life once again.
If the bleeding ever stops.

You disappointed me
You didn't let me go.
Instead you gave me hope
Hope... how could you do this to me?
Don't you know I cling to it
like a mother holds her child?
And now you're forcing me
to remember.
How can I bear it?
I remember perfectly well.
That's why it hurts me
to the point of screaming.
What if she goes away someday?
What are you going to do then?
Will you remember me?
What will I be then?
Have you thought about it?
I can't stop the thoughts flowing.
I can't stop the pain smothering me.
Never again.
I don't want to feel like this ever again.
I'm done. Do what you will.
I'm truly grateful for my late discovery.
Others just get it pretty sooner than I did.
We merely have some companions.
They can or can't be important
But the road is lonely.
Who can travel it? Everyone.
Never again the same mistakes.
The pain cannot be repeated
for it triples in intensity.
Never again the same person.

I long for other moments.
Memories come uninvited
-as always-
The mind keeps going back
despite the profound resistance of the body.
I remember images, faces, smells
Some that I can never retrace
What could it possibly take to let it go?
Are mistakes ever forgiven?
Isn't the picture blurred
even if it's there?
We can never go back.
It's either a bad or a good thing.
So many dimmed lights
inside a dark room.
Can I find the door?
Can anyone?

Sun
Spring
Light breeze
blowing in my face.
The sun is the most beautiful orange
I have ever seen
It reaches my eyes
my soul.
Peace
The wind is caressing the leaves
And I hear nature obeying
to the wind's rhythm.
Peace
Just for a little while
Until my mind is flooded with
matters of this world.
I smell the air
I can't get enough of it
Only a breath
and then I dive back in
Sometimes I'm drowning
and then I have to find some oxygen
Before I sink back down
Maybe I'll get out.
Once and for all I'll reach the surface
Maybe not
But I can't stop dreaming

It's over. Send me away.
The screaming won't stop.
My soul is throbbing in agony
Make it stop. Send me away.
Whatever I say, don't come back
You can't.
Treat me your worst
Cry out you don't love me.
Scream you don't need me
Say it to my face: "You don't matter to me"
Stop this torture: I can't take it.
If you love me, **** my heart
I don't want to feel
Shoot me. The pain won't go away
otherwise
Serve me bitter ice
Make me go. Send me away
You'll do it if you remember the old days
When we were close
I don't want you like this
Send me away
Pull the final string that unites us.
Do it
Now.
I can't be reborn if I don't die.
**** me
Now.
The pain only gets worse
Set fire to the logs.
Burn it
Now.
Burn whatever's left of you inside me
Do it.
I can't bear it
No more.
Send me away. Please
If I can't see it through
Send me away.

Have you ever felt anything more amazing?
The sun kissing your face
while your eyes rest
while you take a breath
lying down listening to the waves.
They come and go incessantly
but you like the sound of them
their rhythm takes you on a journey.
A journey you shall always cherish,
wisdom you got through pain and torment
And now it's time to let it go
You've earned your rest
Take a bow
Pull the curtains
Empty your mind and rejoice
You left your mark in this world
You touched people in your wake
And that's all you can ever hope for

I love the winter.
If I were to miss anything from this Earth
it would be the winter.
I can hear my boots on a stone cold floor
My breath comes out frozen
in a house long abandoned.
My childhood memories
overwhelm me.
I've spent years of my life there
Now all of them
have become a stalactite of ice
Slowly melting
as the years go by.
I rub my hands together
to warm up.
Now I don't know which one is really frozen
My body or my heart?
Once I had bliss
moments I could feel safe.
Now I know better
I'm afraid I might ruin
my past blissful memories
by creating new ones.
They're not the same
At least for now.
Maybe years from now
they'll become the same
But the winter comes and goes
regardless.
Like all seasons,
I allow my heart to warm up
from time to time.
But when it's winter,
the walls of ice are impenetrable
It's safe inside
but sometimes quite lonely.
There come times when
I prefer that
Sadly these are getting more by the year
Who knows?
Life will make its circle
Winter, spring, summer, autumn
will come again.
Even when I'm gone from this world
Maybe in them one can find
a peculiar sense of justice.
Is there really?

Hiding is pointless
I have everything
yet I miss so much.
I want my grandmother.
Boy, do I miss her
Sometimes, oh yes, sometimes
even more than my own mother.
I remember carefree times
What if you're not here physically?
I want your soul
I know it's here
I hope it is.
It's been a while since you left
Not nearly enough to heal my wounds.
I hope you're in a better place now
Perhaps we'll meet again.
Just the thought of you not being here
makes me shiver.
I love you so much
And you gave away your spirit
without a fight.
Why? What were you thinking of when you did that?
Certainly not me
or anybody else.
I hope the next life
will give you something better than this one.
Truth is you were wronged a bit
Maybe part of it was your fault.
But I don't blame you
I think it's time for me to let you go
but it's so so hard
I don't want to
but I have to.
Only my name is left as a reminder
And all that's left in my memory
I fear I will forget
What can I do?
Probably nothing
Goodnight, nana
Perhaps one day I will see you again
Thank you so much for all that you've given me
I love you

Your Granddaughter

Why do I do this to myself?
Why do I see rejection where there is none?
Being in love is like flying with no safety net
It feels like nothing else in the world, but,
when you fall, you fall hard.
Pain takes my breath away
thinking about you.
I know you have needs
I have needs too.
Whose do we satisfy? Why?
Who decides? Who balances the scales?
Why is it so ******* hard being away from you?
I try to hold back the tears
I try to respect your space
But, ******* hell, I am screaming
and you can't hear me.
I miss you, I want to touch you
but you won't come.
If that is not rejection, then
my mind is hell on earth.

It's just that I have to write.
It's not a choice.
It's a need.
I'm not looking to please others
I don't care if the only person who ever reads it
is me.
I'll do it anyway
I have to
For if I didn't
I'd tear apart
a piece of my soul.

It's never the same without you.
I promised I would never go back
to this sanctuary of memories
you so heartlessly gave to me.
Why? Why now?
I can hear my heart screaming
in agony.
I said I wouldn't let you get under my skin.
Now my own blood is no match for you.
Even now, with no hidden carnal desire,
I can't stop.
The brakes are broken in this carriage of pure longing.
Stretch your hand
and I shall cherish it forever.
How could you?
You don't know