Do you ever wonder
what it’d be like
to swallow those pills
or tie that noose around your neck

Because I do every night

Can't sleep
Startled awake
Every turn
I see your face

Her innocence
You try to take
With no exit
Continue the chase

Always running
My hips, they ache
Strength to continue
I must find and embrace

Create an out
These walls I'll break
Try to heal
Memories that won't erase

It takes 9 months to make a baby
but in my 9 months, I've made something else
with all of the odds stacked against me
I've managed to make something of myself

I've made new friendships in place of
the ones I realize are no good for me
opened up my eyes for I was blind
but now there are many things to see

I've made strides towards healing
both my mind and my weary soul
a part of my every day now
I've taken on an entirely different roll

I've lost someone who was my everything
but still got through without a drink
it feels like just yesterday
looking back, time passes in a blink

I've dealt with stress so unimaginable
and spent time in a psychiatric ward
never once when I got out
a drink had I poured

I've been working my steps
I even pray to a Higher Power
although I'll admit that
in the beginning, I was sour

But that has changed as now
I have learned how to be willing
I never knew what feelings
these meetings could bring

Feelings of comfort and belonging
sometimes even happiness and joy
no longer do I need to use
the bottle as a decoy

To walk into a room of people
and know this is where I'm supposed to be
is the most magical feeling
it's so important to me

No bottle could ever convince me
to give that up for only a moment
of numbness and escape that doesn't last
no, the only route must be to confront

I gave up that life 9 months ago
looking back I am so glad I did
I'm healthier now than I was before
and I have a happier kid

9 months to make a baby
9 months of hard work
sobriety put into action
feels like fireworks

You were someone,
I thought I could count on.
Someone to comfort,
And ease the pain.
Now you're gone and,
I'm sick with anger.
Thinking this whole time,
I've been insane.

You were someone,
I thought I could count on.
Someone to distract,
And heal the hurt.
Now you're gone and,
I feel like giving up.
My soul ****** dry,
Like a wasted desert.

You were someone,
I thought I could count on.
Someone to protect,
And shield my heart.
Now you're gone and,
My cries for help fall silent.
Believing in God,
Is such a delicate art.

A beautiful summers day
and the bees have come out to play
pollinating big sun flowers
dancing around them for hours

They stop here and there to have a snack
when they’re done, to the Queen they take back
all that they’ve worked hard for
then they head back for more

For a worker bee is never done
working hard out in the sun
once the moon comes at the end of the day
until tomorrow their work must delay

And then with the sun rising, so does the bee
buzzing in and out of flowers, so busily
with his cute little **** and pollen covered nose
a worker bee’s work is never done, everyone knows

Can’t stand the way I feel inside
emotions running untamed and wild
My head keeps spinning as my mind races
like a troubled and unruly child

Wish to sit for only a minute
and be at one with myself
But I don’t even know who I am
no longer the picture on a shelf

Brain in a fog and mind a wreck
these feelings now out of control
Body going haywire from the mess
just waiting for sanity to unfold

Blade on the sink
Razor through the speakers
swore she was done this time
but this makes her feel better

Pant leg rolled up
socks taken off
cold metal touches skin
it’s time for liftoff

One drag across her ankle
four more to even the score
this type of pain
it hits her at the core

A deep breath as beads form
they gather then roll off
the release she gets from these cuts
certainly will payoff

The song comes to an end
and the bleeding stops
this was so much better
than wasting salty teardrops

Sometimes I get so sad
my body can’t move
Feel like I have
something left to prove

Sometimes I get so sad
there’s no tears to cry
Eyes red and swollen
yet cheeks are dry

Sometimes I get so sad
my mind shuts down
But thoughts keep swarming
I’m sure to drown

Sometimes I get so sad
I feel I don’t exist
No way to survive
all of life’s twists

Sorrow is always there
like a friendship unwanted
churning in my heart
every beat felt broken

I can feel it’s icy hand
gripping around my chest
making it harder to breathe
will this be my last breath?

I met the White Rabbit once
he took me down his hole
he told me if I followed him
it would be a lovely stroll

Now I'm in Wonderland
and nothing here makes sense
while I should be enjoying myself
I feel myself on the defense

My heads all crazy and too big
sounds seem louder than they are
still, I try to follow Mr. White Rabbit
but it seems he's gone too far

That's when I meet the cat
he's so Cheshire and witty
speaking in riddles I don't understand
what a peculiar kitty

The Mad Hatter offers me tea
but he never gives me a drop
this world is full of funny business
I want to go home, make it stop

But there's the Rabbit again
and I must know where he's going
with his pocket watch out
and his little tail showing

We've come to the Queen of Hearts
playing foolish and unfair games
screaming "OFF WITH THEIR HEAD"
obviously never had been tamed

But if I can't get out of here
then I offer my head too
oh Mr. White Rabbit
look what you made me do

I'm tired of lies.
I'm so **** confused.
Are you real or
am I being used?

Hope shouted out
with joy from the shrine.
Believe in Him,
leave fear behind.

Entrust your faith
and you shall recieve,
everything we've taught
our flock to believe.

Except for those
who go above and beyond.
Rather, in pain
their lives shall be donned.

I’m terrified of who I’ll be
if I just let go and set my feelings free
who am I without this hurt
will this be for nothing, all the effort I exert?

I’m so scared to be happy, never been here before
love was always hiding behind closed doors
now I push it away, trying to protect myself
remembering the little girl that’s sitting on my shelf

I’m afraid to try and move forward
thoughts of happiness are too absurd
find comfort in my familiar pain
tied down to it as if by a chain

I’m fearful that once I do let go
and just let all my feelings show
the good will leave and love’ll be lost
surely a line somewhere I’ve crossed

All writing is pig-****
what do we do it for
are we trying to be recognized
like a two dollar *****

We think we are something special
appearing on radio shows from contests
but soon these words will have been forgotten
we are truly only Poetry’s house guests

In an age of the digital world
we think we shall live on
forgetting the true feel of writing
and on what this poetry is drawn

But our journals will waste away
words that mattered not
now smeared across the page
looking barely visible and squat

No matter what we do
we are no Dickinson or Poe
our words will never measure up
these words are pig-****, I know

I was supposed to be my brothers keeper,
I raised and watched him grow.
But what I did was hurt him,
Now he's someone I don't even know.

And he doesn't know me either,
It's been so many years since we spoke.
Would he recognize me in the street,
All these tears I'm sure to choke.

I wish I could just take his hand,
Try to explain the insanity.
But my dear brother is gone,
The monster took him away from me.

Strolling through the trees
of this beautiful arboretum
I spot a dozen butterflies
and stop so I can meet them

They flutter around my head
one lands upon my nose
is this an Angel visiting
the answer no one knows

I receive soft kisses
as if a whisper from above
I can feel the tickle
most of all I feel the love

Then a breeze comes
through the trees soft yet brisk
the butterflies take off
elegantly yet swift

So I continue my walk
through this beautiful arboretum
then stop to enjoy the flowers
would you like to know what I see in them

Pinks, yellows, blues and reds
so many colors out there
and lots of smells in my head
so tempting to pick a few to wear

But I leave them in their home
making wonderful pieces of art
but now I must be going
as the sky is getting dark

I shall return again tomorrow
for there’s so much to see
maybe if you would like
you could accompany me

In my veins I feel fire
left alone with my desires
just a woman who’s crying out
filled with fear and so much doubt

I do not see the world as you do
it feels dark and hard to continue
for my demons follow me
I live my life in agony

I only wish for this world to end
maybe then you could comprehend
what it is I’m going through
and why I wish to discontinue

Metal gleam
Leg ache
Mind a-whirl
Hands shake

Simple glide
Not too deep
Take away
What's in her sleep

Droplets form
Til' heavy they fall
Wish to take away
The pain of it all

She requires
Pain to understand
But not too deep
For she'll crash-land

One foot in as she tests the waters,
Scorching hot, enough to revel in.
Tub over-flows as her body sinks,
Like her heart filled with so much sin.

Flames make shadows dance on walls,
Anxious they jitter from beneath the seam.
Chest tightens under the weight of 100 bricks,
As the air continues to thicken with steam.

Tile floor stained with a crimson splash,
So sure this way she would never die.
But the need to escape was far too deep,
Mind at ease because she knows she tried.

Kick at the door
I let you in
Drug to the couch
Another time you’ll win

Pants ripped off
Your skin against mine
Slide in so roughly
Another rhythm from behind

Tearing me apart
Hips ache and mind a mess
I wish you to stop
But on you press

Then the alarm goes off
Suddenly I awake
Try to tell my mind
This time it was fake

Restless, dreamless,
I'm lying here awake.
Just another 3:00AM,
Trying not to burn at the stake.

For the witchery, I must play
To lie alone here in my head
Is something others long for.
Even if I wish to be dead.

It doesn't come easily,
Lots of running and being chased.
You grab me, and use me,
But oly if it's below the waist.

The screams escape, as I
Run along cobbled stone.
I know once I awake
All these wounds can be sewn.

Then darkness comes again,
It thinks this time I'll be it's friend.
But I know I just have to survive,
Until daylight comes, and starts to mend.

Waiting for a call
I know will never happen
You're gone once more, it
Leaves me feeling like I'm ashen

Blame passed around
So much anger attached
I stopped the contact so
Why do I feel attacked?

Loneliness and sorrow
In the pit of my stomach
The hurt I must've done to you,
Leaves me feeling like a schmuck

If I could reach out to you
I'm not sure what I'd say
The best I can do for us
Is continue to turn away

Trying to heal
Get you out of my head
Send a letter of hate
My soul ends up dead

Trying to heal
Get you out of my head
Dreams of past events
And you in my bed

Trying to heal
Get you out of my head
Resonses unwanted
Escape is bled

Trying to heal
Get you out of my head
Sent a letter without hate
But all I see is red

Trying to heal
Get you out of my head
Pen to paper
Now it needs shred

Trying to heal
Get you out of my head
Now I must wait
48 hours I'll dread

Pretending comes easy
just ask anyone around
they’ll tell you that I’m happy
when I’m stuck on the ground

A smile to keep them from asking
why the tears continue to roll
never let them know that
my heart they have stole

Used to be so social
now the words don’t come
hide myself in this bottle
pores oozing stench of ***

Pretending comes easy
think I’m happy when I’m not
this is truely torture
in loneliness I will rot

I think my grandma is dying

Watch the blade as it glides across
freshly cleaned skin begging to give in.
Droplets form until heavily they roll
down her ankle into a crimson pool.

Emotions release with every slice,
giving way to what's tried and true.
Weight lifted off as if now she can breathe,
getting rid of all her enemies.

But the relief doesn't last and
the guilt comes rushing in.
It keeps telling her that escape
is just a shameful sin.

Now she's stuck in her emotions
once again begging to give in because,
being numb and running away
are the only things she has left to hold.

I never gave you any space
Uninvited you've settled in.
Droning on, your nagging voice,
Taking over like a kingpin.

It's crowded up there, where you stay.
Thoughts of bills and pets, and raising my son.
But you bring more and squeeze them in,
Self-harm, starvation, and coming undone.

So overpowering you've become,
Even though I've lived with you for years.
I feel myself caving in more than not,
And walking hand in hand with who holds my fears.

Skipping meals and using blades,
Day dreaming of a world without me.
Maybe I'm keeping you here,
That just couldn't be...

Aching
from memories.
Nightmares
and silent pleas.

Itching
for another slice.
Addiction
her only vise.

Hurting
from words unspoke.
Remember
every stroke.

Dying
from wounds inside.
Places
nowhere to hide.

Slowly pressure rises,
Intensity growing.
Water starts to dance,
Anxious and on edge.

Bubbles drift upward,
Heat building.
Steam begging to escape,
Aching and fed up.

Too much to take now,
Kettle screaming.
Rush over to lift it off,
Stove glowing hot and red.

Poured into a deep mug,
Tea steeping.
Feel it comfort from within,
Relaxed and at ease.

Numb and euphoric are not the same.
I need to quit mistaking the two.

Marks on skin
letting him win
trying to escape
deaths is her fate

Marks on skin
watch the Devil grin
want to feel better
words in a letter

Marks on skin
patience wearing thin
running out of hope
trying hard to cope

Marks on skin
where has love been
giving up now
breaking every vow

Filled with dread
barely out of bed
pounding in my head
it’s Christmas time

Memories haunting
pill bottles daunting
tree lights flaunting
it’s Christmas time

Brain a mess
filled with stress
hate this process
it’s Christmas time

But presents under tree
my son is happy
all that matters to me
it’s Christmas time

I look at you
and I feel his touch
sliding up my leg

You build-up to the ceiling
repulsing me with your branches
tangling as you grow stronger

Your bulbs are hot
burning me if I touch
scorching my hands

Your tensil wraps around you
ready to jump at its prey
and strangle it to its death

Your ornaments dangle
ready to fall and break
fragile like my heart

Your angel sitting on top
is a facade of dreams
laughing at me as I have none

I look at you
and I feel his touch
his evilness indeed

You are the tide,
And I am the shore.
Coming and going,
I crumble once more.

Tumbling and churning,
Bits of me swept afar.
Repeatedly I let you win,
Tidal crashing over my *******.

Loud and roaring,
Your waves smash.
Battering my rocks,
Leaving your trash.

The moon begins to pull,
And you leave once more.
Because you are the tide,
And I am the shore.

I wish nights didn't bring
me so much terror.
Waking in a fit of rage
and anguish from the beast
that continues chasing me.
It's as if he can see my thoughts
and brings them into my dreams.

I wake up sweating
and out of breath from being chased.
I'm so sick and tired
of the agony, I feel
within this maze.
It's as if no one can set me free
from what's created in my own mind.

I wish only to be free
from the grasp of this demon.
He catches me almost every time
maybe that's why I'm filled with anxiety.
It's as if my days are an extension of
the terror I've lived in my nights.

I wake again in the middle of the night,
the monster's had his way.
Waking, feeling all alone
because that's his greatest strength.
It's as if he takes all you have
and rips it right from you.

I wish I had control of the behemoth
maybe then you wouldn't feel it too,
feel his wrath of power
reigning throughout the night.
It's as if he controls the dark
and sometimes even the light.

Lying on the bathroom floor,
blade resting on the sink.
Unsure how to get up,
I feel myself begin to shrink.

Bloodied tissues looking down
on the mess lying below.
Beaded drops continue to form,
until heavily the must flow.

Shivering against the cold,
damp towel draped over.
Naked body frozen in fear,
flashbacks still they hover.

Passed out from exhaustion
of the war raging inside.
Help comes to pick me up,
instead I wish I'd died.

The world seems different
it’s hard to explain
I got so used to
dancing in acid rain

But the rain has stopped
is that the sun?
There’s just no way
that I have won

The demons are hiding
I am no fool
so I’ll take this time
and refuel

For when they return
I’ll need all my strength
to overpower their
mighty wavelength

I’m afraid my time is coming near
back to the hospital I’m sure to go
if I stay home I’ll surely disappear
and from these wrists the blood will flow

I hate the process about to come
I’ve been down this road too many times
first in the ER they’ll treat me like chum
as if being suicidal were some sort of crime

I’ll end up spending hours in there
going over my story time and time again
the doctors won’t even act like they care
then tell me I’m transferring, but not say when

Once I arrive on the hospital’s unit
there’s only more questions to be asked
making my life feel like it’s on audit
continuing to tell stories of my past

The next day I’ll get hackled by people I know
asking me why I’m back for the fourth time
they always seem to make me feel low
making my healing an uphill climb

I’ll spend days in there, maybe even weeks
the longest I’ve gone has been three
my son will come to visit, and he’ll weep
not knowing Mom almost went on a killing spree

I don’t want to go in to this place
I don’t want to deal with the hassle
the doctors, the people, it’s all a waste
but it’s my safe haven, my castle

For inside those walls I cannot cut
nor can I hang myself with a noose
there is no filth, no grime, no ****
and my pills are not laying around loose

As much as I dread the process
I do know what is right for me
maybe it’s time to confess
I need another trip to KBMC

Try hard to push through
Try to bring back the new.
But along comes guilt and shame.
But they wont stop playing their game.

Relationship seems at risk
Relationship seems so brisk.
Maybe it's all in my head
Maybe it's already dead.

Intimacy is more than ***
Intimacy's more of a reflex.
But I need to have honesty
But the one closed off is really me.

Trauma stops any progress
Trauma causing so much stress.
Maybe I can run away
Maybe this problem is to stay.

Addiction or coping
what have we become?
As I sit with blade in hand
hoping to go numb.

It seems to take more
than what it used to be,
deeper go the slices
crimson rolling over me.

All I see is red
with tear-soaked cheeks
droplets form to rivers
which used to be creeks.

No way to stop now
is this addiction or coping?
One day I'll put down the blade
or so I keep hoping.

One slice
Fresh and new
Crimson droplets
Like morning dew

Two slices
Straight and heat
Crimson falling
You can feel the heat

Three slices
Such a pretty hue
Crimson bruises
Deep and blue

More and more
Like scored meat
Crimson everywhere
Filled with deceit

She’s gone to visit her home again
but it seems to become a wasteland
overgrown with weeds she feels she must leave
for at this sight she cannot stand

She was Crazy Mary a long time ago
with newspaper walls and a bulb hung low
always asking for a ride into town
but Mother never wanted to let her go

When she did pick her up her arms flung in the air
saying “Not Crazy Mary. She’s without a care.”
but what she didn’t know is we were saving her
from a father who’s hand was without a dare

Mary ran away one year from the troubles of this town
the old men sitting by the store, they just drowned
to a new world she would become Queen
and one day return wearing her shiny crown

But never did she expect what she has found here
like a lightning bolt had struck leaving its sear
so Mary just sat staring at her past
thinking that her end too must be near

Sobriety.
Nobody said it would be fun.
Nobody said I couldn't run.

Run away from memories.
Dive into the bottle.
Drinking at full throttle.

Throttle pushed past her limits.
Jumping hills - watch me fly!
Faster now I'll reach the sky.

Sky dark and heavy.
Trapped away from sun.
Why have I yet to run?

I spend my days
not doing much
just waiting for death
and it’s touch

I’m home all alone
and this doesn’t help
imagine I’m in the sea
strangled by kelp

Or taking some pills
that will do the trick
Death why do you make me wait
you’re being a ****

Life’s been unfair
I’m tired of games
I wonder if Death
even knows my name

I’m trying to be patient
that’s why I cut myself
ease the pain a little
with the razor on a shelf

But it’s not enough
demons are taking their toll
Death where are you
won’t you play your role

I’m tired of waiting
I’m putting an end to our truce
it’s time I did it myself
I’ll stick my head in this noose

If I take a stand now,
                                    what would I lose?
It's already gone...
                                    yet silent I remain.
Words trapped for so long,
                                    where to begin?
It feels as if there's nothing to gain.


If I take a stand now,
                                     who would I hurt?
Hearts still mending...
                                     yet everything is fake.
Feelings buried deep,
                                     how do I let them go?
What if I do and then never see Jake.


If I take a stand now,
                                     what would it fix?
Bits of soul missing...
                                     nowhere to be seen.
Scars keep seeping,
                                     when will this stop?
All I really want is to feel clean.

My brother is in town.
But he doesn't want to see me.

You’re always there no matter what
haunting me from my past
I try to fight and do what’s right
but the happiness never lasts

You’re there in my morning routine
when I get up and take my shower
in my afternoon nap you take control
who knew you had such power

The worst of all is in the night
that’s when you are the strongest
with terrors that feel so real
my nights they are the longest

You’re in my head with every thought
accompanied by guilt and shame
twisting everything to dark
playing your wicked game

You’re evilness is spreading wide
I can feel it trickle through my veins
when I look into the mirror
I can see eyes filled with pain

The scary thing that I’ve learned
is that you can only be
if I keep my heart dark
and let you live within me