i sent a postcard today
it must’ve not made it
past the clouds
and to the golden gate
where you await

hearing your voice
and hearing your name
brings back the pain
of what was yesterday

i found your coffee stained shirt
hidden deep in my drawers
and it brought back all those memories
of us at the corner cafe

and days where we’d sit along the bay
and count the stars
as we’d name them after our dreams

these days i find myself
trying to let the time heal eventually
all our memories
all our history
and all you meant to me

day by day
i lie awake,  
sometimes i pray
for a day where you and i
could reconcile
and everything could be okay
and we wouldn’t be stuck
in this black hole
with no moons and no stars.
i know god can hear me
yelling and screaming
asking for peace,
but how could my peace increase
when my peace no longer lives
within me

a father is suppose to be a child’s first
hero
protector
guider
and mentor
however for me my father was my first
tormentor
narcissist
and the monster that hid under my bed
with a bottle to keep him company

i measure time
by the amount of beats
my heart skips
the longer that i am away from you

your soul is the sun
to the paradise
behind your ocean colored eyes

black circles traced his eyes
and a headache for days,
he forgot all he used to be

replacing those lonely nights
with tears to keep him company
he took everything he had
and soon went missing

not from the world
but from himself

smoking sativa
to try and bring him down
from the fog
of the clouds

a backpack full of
broken dreams
and bottled memories
he crushed them

and threw them into the tide
waiting for the waves
to turn them into seashells

i stood over the sink
waiting for it to fill up
so i could wash
yesterday’s tears
out of my face
when suddenly
i felt your words
grab behind my neck
and submerge me underwater
i could hear every
hateful word you said
muffled beneath the water
when I pulled my head up
the sink was filled with bubbles
and that was your way
of apologizing today
until you do it again tomorrow

i stay up late
having conversations with the walls
and screaming your name
at the mirror
               what if i can’t get up today?
i have sleep paralysis
from overthinking our conversations
from last week
until today
              what if i don’t want to fight?
the monsters under my bed
have pulled out my memory box
and have thrown it around my room
for their own amusement
            what if the sun doesn’t shine today?
that’s okay,
it’s only monday
you still have the rest of the week
to recover
take it easy, you’ll be okay

the stars are falling at a faster pace
the clouds are getting closer to my face
i can see myself standing on the ground
and time seems to be the only sound
the skies are spinning
the moons are falling
i can feel my blood flowing
and my palms sweating
but the only thing hard to comprehend
is breathing

i spent my life trying to please
someone with a twisted disease
i broke myself down
and tucked my feelings away
to become the person
they wanted me to be
i let myself be watched
through the glass of a two sided mirror
of a sociopath
i wallowed my spirit away
and begged for acceptance
but there’s nothing in the world
that i could do
to let the narcissist know
that i am human too

i force myself to sleep
because i know she’ll be coming soon
i feel her arms around me
and her fingertips across my veins
before i’m able
to pull her close
i awake
and realize that my sleep
was only a vacation for her
to come and visit me

I walked through
The garden yesterday
And be-headed
The tops of daisy’s
After they repeatedly
called out your name.
I passed by the tulips
And cried with them
Understanding their pain,
I sat by the lilacs
And watched them stare
As they said
Their finally goodbyes.
However,
I passed by the roses
and watched them bloom
And I remembered the time
When the thorns told me
That only roses
Bloom for you

You took pills
To take your thoughts away
Red, violet, and blue
Were your favorite colors
You say
Red, violet, and blue
Are what took
Your life away

You’ve sailed the deepest seas,
And have seen
the most exotic islands,
However,
The most violent waves
Have left you a shipwreck

Love is like a flower
We pick the most exquisite ones
The ones that look most delicate,
And blow the lightest in the wind.
Once picked,
we take care of it
We feed it
and place it in light
Trying our best to make it last.
Until the pedals start to fall
We try reattaching them,
Shaking the flower
More fell off
And we are left
With nothing but roots

Don’t cut pieces of yourself

To cover other’s wounds

California
Is where I long to be
The golden state
In which awaits
Dysfunctional dreams
And
Died out fantasies