"verbalise" poems
i watch the clock tick to 2 milliseconds past 1900 hours and i remember how, at 2 milliseconds past 1400 hours, just 5 hours earlier, i was cradling you in bed
it was warm and we were interlocked and you looked heavenly
the glow of the sunshine a halo around a face full of sleep and too beautiful even for poetry.
i try to verbalise you, try to write you down to make your existence more fathomable –
i cannot.
there are no words for a heart that beats honey through soft-skinned veins, that swirls around your mouth like saliva and you taste so **** sweet.
i told my doctor i have a sweet tooth, what i meant was i am addicted to you; what i meant was i can’t stop waking up in the middle of the night to fix the cravings i have when you aren’t there.
what i meant was, sometimes i sleep walk, find myself at
platform number 5 of the same station i left you at hours before hoping that some sweet fragrance of you still lingers.
i watched the clock tick to 2 milliseconds past 1900 hours and i watched the train move away in slow motion.
i watched your face until i couldn’t see it anymore and i have never felt longing like it. suddenly i felt like a lost kid at the supermarket trying to find their parent and i wanted to scream for you to come back because although this train moved in slow motion i swear 2 milliseconds passed and you were gone.
i tried not to blink because i didn’t want to miss a single moment.
i sent you “i love you” through a screen that is too familiar to me now and felt the itch of my craving against my spine –
i will wait for you.
i replay the last kiss in my head; it was probably our seventieth goodbye kiss because each one didn’t encompass all the love we needed to express before the train departed and i taste honey.
i cannot make your existence more fathomable because that would mean to understand you and in all your complexity, i never want to stop learning –
so please,
allow me to explore your mind in every neurotransmitter, in every dopamine dosage, in every fight or flight reaction; allow me to explore what it is to be you and let me write you into every poem i ever produce, let me hallucinate you into every city street, cast your reflection in every shop window, replace every tin of beans with jars of honey and settle like dust on my lips –
i will wait for you.
every day, i wait for you.
Oct 7, 2018
Oct 7, 2018 at 5:42 PM UTC
What's the point
In wasting time and wasting ink
When I can't verbalise the thoughts I think?
That night with you,
I learned the secret of it all.
The secret of love and how to fall.
In case you wonder
How you ever will know,
Spend time in silence and love should grow.
For we shared a glance,
A glance that pitifully pleaded.
And with that we knew that no words were needed.
Dec 3, 2015
Dec 3, 2015 at 5:40 PM UTC
Like so many of us, surrounded by binaries and cold concrete,
he finds it hard to say what he feels, and I found it hard
to understand, for a while, that he loved me just as I did him,
when he never vocalised his feelings completely, and I did.
It took me some time to realise he shows them instead, and maybe
that is all the more eloquent than anything I could ever
materialise on a piece of paper filled with smeared ink.
His love manifests itself in lingering gazes and the lightest touch,
in private smiles and the softening of his eyes when I laugh.
Like a child resorts to pointing at things they cannot name,
he ends up holding close what he cannot verbalise he needs.
- “You make me happy,” I tell him. He looks vulnerable and smiles. c.s.
Apr 7, 2017
Apr 7, 2017 at 9:17 AM UTC
I recognised you as you stood with your back to me
I tried to verbalise a word for you to hear
Yet I was too hypnotised to vocalise a single sound
To call to you would send lullabies your way
It would have solemnised the moment
Pantomime like I stood stock still, not ready to eulogise.
I wanted to maximise the moment
To sacrifice the past, to address this big occasion
To strive and entice this surprise, but
I didn't call, too many butterflies interceded
My desire to shout out to the me that I
For a brief moment recognised.
Apr 20, 2014
Apr 20, 2014 at 5:53 PM UTC
Why do I have to fight,
Painfully make my point
Bruising flesh, drawing blood,
Cracking heads to prove I’m right.
Why do I have to lose;
My dignity, the ability to
Verbalise, the anger that I feel.
I impose my will; threatening
Shouting, my face a mask
Tribal headpiece, worn
For my battle dance.
Adrenalin pumps, muscles start
To fuel, from my thumping heart.
Red rage clouds my eyes,
Blocking out pain, fight or flight.
My opponent falls, injured, shocked,
By an anger so powerful
That my body is consumed,
With the impact of my exploding mood.
Oct 31, 2019
Oct 31, 2019 at 9:46 AM UTC
So many questions
I do not dare verbalise
Fearful I'm frozen.
Nov 21, 2011
Nov 21, 2011 at 4:08 PM UTC
I am a distract yourself from the problem instead of facing things kind of person
I am a ‘the problem’ doesn’t exist unless you think about it person
I am a scared to be alone with their thoughts kind of person
I am the maybe it will just go away kind of person
I am the we can deal with it all another day kind of person
But the lie awake at night not being able to think of anything else kind of person
I am afraid to cry
Afraid to feel
Afraid to tell anyone anything that might make me slightly vulnerable
I can’t procrastinate but I can’t do it right now kind of person
I am the think of all the people you will disappoint kind of person
I am the kind of person where you think about me and realise you actually know nothing about who I am
My secrets
My dreams
My aspirations
I am the don’t tell anyone otherwise you’ll jinx it kind of person
I am the obsessive
I am kind (out loud)
I have emotions that are far to complex to verbalise or comprehend
My weakness is caring
My weakness is not wanting to upset anyone
And I know that sounds like a strength but it internally destroys me when someone says something wrong and I physically can’t open my mouth to verbally respond
And I try my best but its when I’m alone with my thoughts it hurts the most
When I realise there is no podcast, no movie, no Tv show or book to distract me from the inevitable
And you’re probably wondering what the inevitable is
But I don’t know
And that’s what scares me
That’s what keeps me up at night
Maybe a fear of failure
Maybe a build up of all those thoughts I’ve procrastinated thinking about
Maybe all those tears I should probably cry
But I can’t
No because then I’m weak
No because then someone can manipulate me
No because then I show that I’m not strong 100% of the time.
Even when I’m alone
And I don’t know why because I think people that can cry are brave I see their vulnerability as a strength because only the toughest don’t care what people think of them even at their weakest.
Plus crying is beautiful
And feeling is too
Because sadness hurts but happiness is ecstasy
And you can’t truly feel one without feeling the other
I am the fix your problems yourself kind of person
I am the don’t be a liability kind of person
I am the don’t weigh people down with your thoughts kind of person
I have no idea but every idea of who I am as a person
Mar 17, 2021
Mar 17, 2021 at 10:49 AM UTC
My memory fails me not
It was no hallucination, and nostalgia indeed is a filthy liar which paints pictures prettier than their reality—but I remember this just as clearly as it occurred:
On a warm Autumn night, I laid beside the moon
He rested the back of his head on my stomach and I ran my fingers through his hair, nothing but the sound of a soft melody and the waves of the sea gently caressing the sand beneath us humming through the air
I had traveled a distance to see you, to feel you, to touch you—and my Lord, was I taken aback by the beauty you radiated at hand
On a warm Autumn night, the moon and I laid atop one another and stared at the darkness of the sky
The only light that surrounded us that night, my love, was emitted by you. But you were too mesmerised by a fallen star—or in our case, two—to notice how mesmerised I had been by you
The earth, the sand, and the wind hugged us, but I swear we were no longer a part of this world
In an enclosed, far-off dimension, I got to touch the moon
I was hugged, kissed and loved by the moon, and no human will have ever known how beautiful you truly are the way I now do
On a warm Autumn night, your lips brushed against mine, and I felt my heart sink to the pit of my stomach
I felt my skin grow warmer, I felt my soul entwine with yours
Oh how they’d envy these lips of mine, if only they knew
How can I verbalise the insanity of being held by you?
The morality—or lack, thereof—of purloining you?
Not mine to take but I shan’t withhold this passion surging through me—through us—through our tangled bodies, and oh Lord I had begun falling...
On a warm Autumn night, the universe froze for a mere second, and stars fell for a couple seconds longer
A spliff hung between your parted lips and the tide spoke to me in a hushed whisper
And I looked into your soul through those bewitching eyes of yours, and nobody else existed
And on that autumn night, in those seconds, like the season: I began to fall.
Oct 20, 2019
Oct 20, 2019 at 6:13 AM UTC
I talk to you in metaphors, and you wonder what’s wrong with me.
You wonder how the transition has been so rapid.
I tell you,
“Storms, humans. Humans, storms.
They‘re both synonymous.”
You stare at me, clueless, not getting the inside vibe or the feeling.
But you try.
Standing right 7 inches away, I see your helpless soul trying to unfurl and entangle all it senses again and again,
I see you try to figure out what I mean.
But I fail you, each time.
Because, I can’t let you know what any metaphor I verbalise, could ever mean.
“I meant nothing, stupid”
I laugh and tell you.
You stare right into my eyes. You’re not smiling. But you are.
You’re not grieving. But you are.
I stare right back at you, agreeing to what your eyes are saying.
“We’ve lost each other.” I hear this heavy bang onto my head,
And then,
I feel it.
I feel the word ***** arising.
I feel the thousand heavy words ever felt unsaid, violently trying to break out.
The stacked memories make me twitch, hard and brutal.
The incessant craving to hold you back and make you stay, this time at least, takes over.
Eye lids start to feel heavy and gradually, drop as I’m filled with remorse and frailty.
My hands tremble along with my feet, and descend, busted.
And I realise, that despite all the hundred times I’ve tried to convince myself that you would no longer matter, I still ache for you.
And suddenly, my entire being feels tired, once and all over again.
Mar 11, 2017
Mar 11, 2017 at 3:02 PM UTC
You don't give too much away
but that's ok
as I read between the lines
of what you do and do not say
slowly learning your ways
you tell me more in your silence
your pauses are like diamonds.
I remember every word you never said
every thought I ever had
every measured sigh
every repeated question without reply
I don't ask to receive
they mask what I need
my real quest is to achieve
a wordless answer
as your silence is golden.
The worthless cancer
a predatory disease
I know how much you fight
and yet never loose sight
of what's true and right
you simply amaze me
that even though I'm not with you
you're all that I can see
a vision of beauty
your pixie like smile
that nothing can defile
to your pixelated skin
viewed on a screen
with more beauty laid within.
Where as I feel the need to verbalise every thought
that enters my head
even the ones that make me look bad
reveal every feeling
so I'm completely honest in my dealing
OK, maybe not everything
I wouldn't want to scare you
with the thoughts that I think
I filter out my anxieties and only tell what is true
a direct link from my heart straight through
my racing thoughts are not what's important
its my pacing heart shaped *****
to which I have given you the keys
an instrument that you play
as you're a musician with such ease
with the words you do not say.
Nov 23, 2015
Nov 23, 2015 at 6:40 PM UTC
I'm sad
and it's okay
I'm anxious
and it's okay
we need to verbalise
what we really feel
because it's okay
you're broken
and it's okay
you're shattered
and it's okay
you're hurt?
verbalise it
'cause it's okay
we don't need to
pretend for anyone
'cause even though we need others
self-help must come first
Oct 30, 2019
Oct 30, 2019 at 9:40 AM UTC