Who would know that a pause would lead to this,
One moment, when a second spoke volumes,
One moment that led to a world of possibilities,
Imagined at first but then becoming real.
It wasn't a planned out thing it just sort of crept up,
We noticed the similarities, the often shared thoughts
The reassuring touch.
I didn't know you but I knew you, if you know what I mean,
Some fated, spiritual, psychic link up had occurred to me, it seems.
After a time we were daring to verbalise this 'thing',
We both agreed that it was there
Something we couldn't name.
What I came to realise was, every connection was a log,
The logs grew into a pile and began to stack right up.
The eyes meeting, a special smile, a knowing glance or word,
Became the petrol on the wooden pyre, just waiting to be burned.
The summer came and we'd moved on to a braver riskier stance,
You kissed me for the first time,
I almost missed the chance to kiss you back,
My heart was pounding, so scared of being caught,
That was the moment when, the match came out of its box.
The next time we kissed it was long and slow and
The match was struck and the fire was ablaze.
Then I had a tragedy, the life changing event of death,
The sort that brings you down, to nothing that you were.
Shattering in its relationship to life as I knew it.
I still thought about you even then,
I thought the fire was sure to go out,
The momentum had been deflated,
But in my grief you still held my hand and listened.
For several months I was up and down but still you were there.
Suddenly you were in my thoughts in a far more intimate way.
We began to explore and found we shared explosive ideas
Of a sensual side we both knew and understood.
The depth of that feeling was the strongest I'd even known
So it inched a long until we'd planned, a consummation date.
We went away to the seaside, we walked and talked and laughed,
We ate together and played together until the night drew in.
The night was filled with pleasure, that lasted for hours at a time.
A time when I was yours and you were mine and, we both woke up together.
The day came when I had to leave and I realised that this could also be the end.
The tears I couldn't help pouring from my eyes at the thought of you not there.
I felt a profound sense of loss, like someone had taken away
The only thing that mattered to me in the cracked world I had made.
Was this it, was this the peak, was it now all downhill.
We'd never have the chance again to be this free and
The snatched moments we had before,
Could never really compensate, for that time down by the shore.
I spoke to you that night and heard the tears in your voice,
It made me cry again, I knew then I couldn't let you go
Not like that, not now, I realised I had fallen in love.
It's true it has not been the same since we came back,
but a deeper understanding stands
That this is not a throwaway thing,
that should be full of guilt and shame.
But life it is a joker, though seldom is it funny,
Everything has its price, it's what you're prepared to gamble.
I can only make that choice for me and yours will come with time,
The reason I say that is, because you're not really mine.
Love, unrequited love, possibilities, expectations, failure, heartache, secrets, pleasure, anticipation, progression.