You've been hypnotized by the illusion of grandeur
the brilliance, and you’re not stopping to think:
...“Maybe I’m worth the truth.”
The bloom of youth is stripped from your heart,
you’ve lost it, crying on the telephone, no resilience left
there’s no one home and you’re naked,
bare and devoid of emotion, it’s like a frozen ocean
waves cresting up, and you’re down and out
you’re cracking, life is not what it should’ve been,
expectations would’ve been less
if you hadn’t been encouraged by the shiny spawn
of those media-machines, flipped through and through
‘til the pages were worn, it’s the system pulling you down.
“I’m not good enough,” he sobbed into his hands
with the curtains drawn, but you’ve got to push on,
and on, and on; can you lose the tragedy,
the heavyhearted, sorry semblance of a man
you think you should be?
It’s sad but true, as much as you try there will always be someone better,
better and more fit for the job, the test, the class, the girl, everything
but first and foremost you will always know
you tried your finest or at least you think you did
and feel blessed, and loved by the people who know you best,
if you remember that you’re like a grain of sand on the beach,
one amongst millions, but still beautiful in your own way
just have confidence.

One day, they told us, we’ll be gone just a week
What a relief! – that’s what everyone said
People rejoiced, this was such a timely break
I also thought that’d be perfect, for I could use some rest
But soon, that week became months of distress
The first weeks were fine, despite not being the best
I didn’t really mind that it was such a bore
It was an amazing time spent with my introverted soul
It was all fun and games, oh was I so happy
That is, until we faced an untimely tragedy
I had an aunt – a second mother to me
She had cancer, a sickness not new to our family
Since quarantine started, we took care of her at home
We fed her, bathed her, tried to make her feel better
But not long after, the heavens had decided
They had been made aware of how much she had suffered
That very moment to me was life-changing
It was my first time to watch someone stop breathing
Five of us were praying, holding her, trying to save her
But I knew it was too late, she had already crossed the gate
The events afterwards weren’t any easier
We held the wake at home, and we lacked the manpower
So I couldn’t cry, for I had to be strong
I had to make sure that nothing would go wrong
Then there was the much, much sadder burial
That the quarantine made even more difficult than usual
Some were lucky to attend, but many others could not
Not even our grandmother was allowed to see my aunt
We were 20 at the ceremony, cut in half at the cemetery
Grieving itself was sad, grieving without family was just bad
It was heartbreaking and frustrating to be that helpless
Stranded in that horrible situation that seemed endless
After that, I hurled myself away from the world
Because every single day brought bad news and mess
I deleted social media, and decided to take a rest
My heart just could not take any more of that ugliness
I started to really spend time with my family at home
Although most of that time, it was just myself in my room
Still it was nice, to really be in my own reality
Escaping from the outside world’s troubles and negativity
It remained like that for a couple of months
And for a while, I was at peace, and free of my usual rants
But school was coming back, I couldn’t escape forever
I had to face the world again, so I collected my power
The trial period started, how online classes work, I’d see
It wasn’t easy, but nobody said it would be
At first, it seemed fine, nothing that I could not manage
But through time, I realized, this could actually cause damage
It was just too different from what we were used to before
To our teachers and classmates, there was always a door
Now, we are left to do everything by ourselves
The support system we built are pushed back into the shelves
I didn’t know if I could continue, my face always had a frown
I can sense, I was on the verge of finally breaking down
Right then, the heavens gave me a reason to continue
He brought into the world, an angel – my nephew
Suddenly, I was happy again, I had a will to live
I just wanted to continue, to love, and to give
A Godsent blessing, to me, he has been
He’s the one good thing that happened this quarantine
Then this school year began, it was such a great start
I’d accepted responsibilities, I took them by the heart
I convinced myself that I could do all of this
And when success came my way, I was so pleased
While I was teaching myself, I was also helping my mother
She needs my support, since she’s working as a teacher
Through that, I understood the troubles teachers go through
Just to provide the students’ education, like they promised to
Every week, so many papers are to be printed and distributed
It doesn’t help that the money comes directly from their own pocket
I can’t decide which is worse, their setup or ours
I just know everybody’s sick of this terrible pandemic
My eagerness for school didn’t last very long
My mind and body weren’t just that strong
After several months, my enthusiasm diminished
Sleep, meals, and deadlines were all being missed
I was so burnt out, scattered, in such a disarray
It came to a point where I was crying every day
I reached out for help, and found my sister
I couldn’t do this anymore. – that's what I texted her
Immediately, she called me, and asked how I was
Tears came streaming down my eyes so fast
I couldn’t get words to come out of my mouth
But she told me – It's okay, take your time, cry it out.
What's the problem? is such a complicated question
There’s no one answer, it’s a whole compilation
Setbacks and worries that have all piled up
All the disappointments that put me in a mind trap
I started that call dispirited and heavyhearted
Like nothing could make me feel better that could be said
But after pouring out all my heart into that call
I realized all I needed was a very good cry after all
That happened a while ago, now I’m still in the same place
I wish I were better, but I’ll get there in my own pace
Recently, there was an announcement, it was my greatest fear
It seems this setup will remain for the rest of the school year
That means this story continues, and I don’t know how it ends
But I still hope it does in school, with me seeing my friends
I feel like I’m riding a river, bumping on rocks, constantly
But I know I’ll find my way out, into the sea, eventually

I
In the course of time
Defects commence to notice:
"Once, it was a hero"
Begins to melt
"Once, it was worshiped"
Starts to fade

The desire to be at least half
Becomes a mere illusion
The grief of starting from zero
Not be just a fusion, (I laugh), for
I am my own hero

II
An eternal dilemma: head or heart?

Life experiences repeat themselves over time
Look back, not with nostalgia, but with lucidity
Not to retell the same mistakes, that's stupidity
Rectify the defects, but don't be a mime

Head or heart?

These desires of a distorted mind are such strife
Those promises for life are barely a rind
It's as soon as you get to the point of no return
That you realize the fantasy must burn

Head or heart?

Use the head is an art
Using the heart in the right stead
But use them both is my oath

III
I come from a quiet little town
But I was never the type of let me drown
Lose and gain accents has always been my thing
So bring me the king of seek that we may sing together
That the best man win.
See, without knowing whether all or nothing
Write, until I have abraded skin, so when the time comes
The tought living at my fingers will shut
Sing, bright or heavyhearted
Feel the beat of unchearted drums
Yell by choice until lose my voice
Murmur lower than a subatomic bell
Until gain a tragicomic muse.

*The elocution of my brain has no dues
For art is a perpetual evolution.

Longer sleepless evenings
Humid, dark, and bleak
Serene and sorrowful homes
Blossoming sakura trees weep
With heavyhearted lonely buds
Spring, unforgettable saddest spring
Trees not lovelier and so are fields
Nor the day more delightful than the evening
These unhappy blooms in pink
Signal a different kind of grief

If i were a little girl
And you were my balloon,
Would you float away from me?
Carried off in the breeze when i let you go.
I would stare in heavyhearted awe,
Not saying a word
While my balloon drifted away
And i wouldn't move from my spot.
Planted there until you were a small dot i could barely see
I might cry but you weren't meant stay
If so, you wouldn't have floated away.

I was on my 2㏂ thoughts,
And it was all about you.
I wonder how have you been.
Whole day without me,
Perhaps the best time of yours
and better than the idea of "us".
The picture of it made myself cry to sleep.
A sleep of sorrow forced to repress ──
*heavyhearted, depressed, low-spirited

I'm in the branches as they
No longer look up, heads always
Looking at the floor looking
Downcast
Heavyhearted
Gloomy
At what you see everyday
You look down never up,
The children always look upwards
See me smiling,
I give a little wave
And a wink,
And I'm off up the tree with in a blink
Trees are my freedom
There my playground between
Sky
Air
&
Land
"I am an acrobat, a flier"
I'm free as a bird but with out the wings,
If the elders looked up the things
That they would see,
The sky is imagination,
"It will set you free"
But it is only the young
Who above do look, as there imagination
Lets them see what they want to see
And what they glance at is me..

I never thought I would see the day come
When we the affection we were blessed with end,
Feeling so cold, dopeless hopeless, soulless
Considering the circumstances, the failed flame
The dead slang, the bitter taste of salty diction
Saturated in vapid verbs, painful prose, shuddering
Syllables seeping down my throat as I almost choked

I couldn’t handle your departure, my stomach
Was paining severely inside, with an excruciating headache
My vivacious color changing, fainting, draining vowels
Drowning, damaging adjectives piercing my ears
Raw adverbs ruthlessly slashed across my neck
Overwhelmingly hurting, staring at a heavyhearted star
In the bathroom mirror, the scene around me a slate-grey
Tragedy of passion deeply descending into sleepy inkwells

And as I gaze at myself in the shadowy, smudged mirror
My exhausted eyes overflowing with sunken tears
Starless, moonless, great rage boiling within me,
Scorched, burnt-out, brainless, smashing the glass
With my blemished hands, the crimson-colored blood
Oozing out uncontrollably, watching the shattered debris
Land on the floor, thinking of what I thought
I meant to you, never realizing that love could hurt
This much, never believing this would happen to me
Because I thought you truly loved me, that when you
Held me in the night, your touch so smoothly
Serene and satisfying, listening to you as you
Told me you would never break my heart
Like all the ones before you did, that you
Understood a heart like mine, someone
Who was rare and undoubtedly loved
With all their power, giving another your world
To explore and rise to glorious depths

I felt every wave of your word, every intake
Of breath that came from you, believing you
Out of all people knew the profound meaning
Of love, but it was too much to my heart
When you chopped it up into meaningless
Memories, so unloving, so undeserving
Worrying me more than ever throughout the nights
Slipping into a mental breakdown, anxiety episodes
Coming and going, growing stronger and lasting
Longer, screaming and trembling, falling to my knees
And hitting the floor so hard as I laid stretched
Out on my stomach, wondering why I was so unlucky
In love, why you love me and leave me, why I loved
You so hard because when you were gone, I wanted you back
I longed for our unfinished chapter to never end

The night was pleasing
but the moonlit sight unfair,
my heart sank
when I realized a little,
learned a lot.
And for every reason
I stood there shattered,
then silently left the plot.

You looked happier
with him,
that was all I could see.
I cursed the moon
for unveiling
what I never imagined it could ever be.

I feel heavyhearted losing you
but I am letting you go
for the sake of you, dear
for your heartfelt smile
that has now gone much far
as the **** moon in the sky,
which I would miss forever though.