Disappointment.
Be ready for it.
Ready or not, here it comes.
Like hide and seek.
Telling you to expect the unexpected.
Even if the unexpected is hiding up in a tree.
When the rules clearly defined only "on the ground hiding spots."
Ready to drop in on you.
On top of you.
And crush you to the ground.
Catch me if you can.

I wait for the rain to drench me so I can be washed of my impurities. I'm wishing that the water that streams down me will mask the tears that have been clouding my vision for so long because whenever I think of you my own rainstorm starts inside of me.
  
I wait for the lightning to hit me so I can be filled with light. I'm hoping that the electricity that courses through me will somehow get through to you so I'm not the only one that feels something when we touch.

I wait for the thunder to deafen me so I don't have to hear the news something along the lines of it's probably not going to be you and me. If I can't hear anything anymore I won't have to worry about listening to the compliments you shower her with day after day.

I wait for the sun to dry me so I don't have to catch more of an illness than I already have. I'm guessing that when the sun comes out I'll shine like a newly cleaned window having been rinsed of the dirt that's been clouding me over for so long now because I know your blue eyes see through me but if I blind you with light then you really won't see anything at all when you look at me.

Disappointment is the worst form of suffering
                          Its the threat for destruction in your everything

To have something to love be crushed
Is the type of pain that cannot be hushed
To hope for something and have your hopes dashed
Is to love and have your heart slashed
                
                 To work yourself to the bone for nothing at all
                           Is to climb the mountain just to fall
                            
                        To smile and have your teeth break
                            Is to fall victim to any mistake
                          
To try and fail by your own fault
                            Is to open a wound and rub in salt

I am used to disappointment
It happens to me so much
Crying over things gone and went
Has become my emotional crutch
                                                            Yet,
                                                     Here I go again...
                                                             Hoping,
                                                         that this time,
                                                              I’ll win
                                 Here I go,
                                Betting all my chips
                            Crossing my fingers
                             And biting my lips
                                                                              
                                        No turning back, it's all or nothing now

                                I want it to work,
                                            someway,
                                                           somehow
                                
                                        Here I go, jumping off a bridge with you
                               Please, do me a favor and don't disappoint me too.

The lack of poetic tongue
in my response
is sure to disappoint.
But I have a headache,
and my life *****,
and the baby won't stop freakin' crying.
What do you want from me, people?
I can't **** you out a masterpiece every time!!

...and I'm a little drunk.

There's sadness welling up with water in my eyes.
There's embarrassment flushing to my cheeks.
There's fear twitching to run in my feet.
There's anger bunching up in my balled fists.
There's nausea accumulating in my stomach.
There's confusion pumping through my heart.
There's disapointment sighing in my rib cage.
There's regret pursing my lips.
And there's madness processing my brain.

I am a single being.
One small body, barely growing.
A structure of bones made up a human.
This being, this body, this human,
This single being
Is overwhelmed with emotions.
And I cannot contain these feelings.
I am one person.  
Which makes it logical that all these feelings
Would overtake me.


(just like they always do)

Lust like jelly inside
Wibble wobble when we touch
When your hand brushes mine
A lost feeling
One I can't decide
Losing myself
Hysteria
But not so refined
Myself plus more
Contentment when with you
When we're entwined
​
But for fear of disapointment
Too much too soon
Someone only just knew
Yet feels right
Enough now for me
This the same for you?
Let us brew
Please
Let us wait this jelly
And see what can be grew
​
​
​
​

Like
...dude
random writing eh
.....like theres a tear forming in my eye as i say this
poetry is my escape
from my dreadful world
not yours
from people, my own ******* Mother....
not appreciating all that i am
people even those who "accept"
or dont give a ****....
ya know my world is far from perfect
in my world all i see are eyes on me....
all eye see is fear, pity.....
pretty much
...fake smiles
like pity for being black, sorrow in their eyes as they watch or fear of me taking their purse
.....i see disapointment
in the eyes of loved ones...
they sit and laugh
like im a joke
its like only i can truly give myself
what i desire
no man, no boy, no dude, nor dudet
can give me crap....
all the people in my world do
...is stare
they ******* stare
and i feel every emotion
of the people in the cars watching as i cross
as i walk down the stairs i see
as i write in my notebook isee
its like i live in a great world
but am distracted....
like i want to be free
but a burden is over me
....just laying there
and i put it there me
all me
i did
i told myself
and put the weight of obligation
on myself
but ya know what
to hell with that weight
to hell with my "world"
.......
truly
im just me
in a moment
...the moment
infinate moment
intricate moment....
oh hell ya
and ya know
....its hell
fire all over
maybe even worse
but....im kinda lovin it
its hell n back but....
its mine
i am free
its a weight meaning...
i can remove it whenever, whereever
if i want to......

Silence as he goes down the steps
he knows he musn't wake
his mother who sleeps upstairs
he musn't wake his sisters or his brothers

He opens the door to the bathroom
and Sees his reflection
UGLY, STUPID, WORTHLESS
Words like these bounce around his mind

His skull is a bouncy house and more words keep piling in
Wanting a chance to jump high
He opens the cupboard and sees the pills
A bottle of painkillers the doctor gave to his sister

He creeps back to his room
Slient like a night cat
and he sits on his bed with the note right beside
Sorry for being such a dissapointment, sorry for causing pain, I am gone now don't worry anymore i will longer I have to be a burden
he opens the cap and he can feel that he wants to cry

he pours the pills into his hand and takes each one
one at a time
I am gone, gone forever never to return again
No longer have to be a disapointment
I can be who I want to be after death
No longer having to feel less
No longer I have to be stong
*As I sing the sucide Song

After all the effort I kept
I tried so hard to let her know,
let her understand how I feel
And she was kind, yet showing interest
She made me fall deep, deeper, deep, deeper

When all she really wanted is friendship
Yet she kept it a secret
I'm sure she was unaware this could hurt me in future
Not until when I left her with no choice but to utter something

If I knew I wouldn't have pushed,  
but I was convinced we are walking the very same paths
Surely her answer caused me nothing but trauma

And I realised she can't even consider my feelings
How can I stand beside her?
Will I ever hug friendly greetings?
will I ever shake hands without intending to kiss goodbye?
This gonna be hard to just ignore and adapt to friendship

How can I be friends with a girl I bearly love?
Love sometimes is so stupid and selfish
How can it be such a lier?
Sometimes I wish love can just be saying I love you,  
but it is more than that.

The moment I set my eyes on her and she stare back
The first time we conversed
I was so convinced she's in love too
I was convinced the only thing left is nothing but consensus

But then it turned out with disapointment
"I'm not ready for love friendship of course is great to meditate" (she said)
Just for console, when I realise I'm stuck in these feelings
I pitched, you can take all the time you need to be true with yourself,
simply like I'm fine by it when I really am touched.

If my parents knew...
If only my parents knew...
The secrets my mind holds so tight
I wouldn't be a smart child anymore.
I would just be a gay disappointment.

disappointment...
disappointment...
I would be the disappointment that they'd hate
that they'd equate
to the moldy bread, they once ate.

I'd be the trash they burn in the pit on the hill.
I'd be the bubble gum stuck to the bottom of their shoe.
I'd be the pesky fly they try so desperately to ****.
I'd be the gross tobacco that my Dad chews.

Who would win?
Me or some hobo on the street?
Well, where have you been?
Who would want to meet?

You see to them...
Me... or some hobo.
I would be condemned.
Because the hobo isn't ****.

****...
****...
I'm a "****"?
I prefer the term, Lesbian

Lets Just pretend that I Am Not there or here
the two of you.
and him.
The Perfect tones.
Hate,
Rejection,
Pure Disapointment -
Rehearsed so perfectly
you discuss the topic:
It is me.
Hanging on to my emotion by holding every ounce of air in my lungs so i can listen more clearly;
You say:
I am Hostile. Cold. Miserable. Self Centered. irresponsible. Disrespectful. Terrible.

THEY mention I was born into the WRONG family.
I am a thief.
I am a Liar.

You agree.
I stumble around, shaking my head frantically.
I KNOW that is not me.
I continue to listen - As If they DO NOT have any idea I am holding my heart as it is dropping.

The words are sieved
strained
disguised
Hiding the truth
wrapped around
in lies

No longer recognize
the faces
of the unknown
Knowing nothing
is the passcard
to disapointment

Were it just a game
a trick
Sleight of hand
But it's not
It's the putrid
breath
of death
upon the lips
of life

Pain is not evil, pain is not good.
He is the coldness of the wind upon your warm skin.
The breaths you can't take as you sink into numbness and drown.
A water soaked corpse who jumped into absolution.

Pain is acceptance of your flaws.
He is the blame that you take upon yourself.
The thought of a better life without you.
A final realization that change is impossible.

Pain is the actions you were too afraid to take.
He is the last gasp of you crying unheard screams for help.
The unseen hands that bind you into this pitiful place.
A spectral dream that plagues your subconscious.

Pain is your loss and existence.
He is the love you no longer have and the torment you felt.
The dark blood scented future stained in tears.
A lonely woman who walks in the dark.

Pain is the changes you don't want.
He is the audience that watches you go through this hell.
The many who see and avoid your freakshow
A god who overlooks your unnoticed suffering.

Pain is the hurt you cause.
He is the reasons you delude yourself with to stop believing you're a monster.
The ruination of your good intentions and newfound self loathing.
A disease that spreads to those around you.

Pain is disapointment
He is the object that fails to reach expectations.
The means that don't justify the ends.
A lie that is revealed.

Pain is entering this life
He is your insecurities and misunderstanding.
The deprivation of something you never had.
A lust and desire for more.

Before you, there was no pain.
After you is just the same.

I will stand up all night
Since I won’t do anything with my life
I can’t dream nor sleep
This time so late is when I can finally weep

I cry and curse
My tragic course
The days pass and the nights end
But I can only ask myself when?

When would the sad nights finish?
When would I find a friend,
A lover a companion that will squish
my fears and scare the pain away

But no, the tears keep dripping
And the moon keeps shinning
The loneliness will stay
and it’s darkness will stain

The never ending fight,
The never ending run
Like a cycle it repeats, isn’t there a might?
A chance of change,

A someone to appear, or as an insomiac
I am doomed to remain.
Alone in my bed, with the eyes wide open
Thinking the worse, in pieces I’m broken,

Can someone try to find me,
And try to repair my sleepy mess
Trying is enought, since my hopes are less
Disapointment has hit me

Twice at least? More than that
I am chained to this bed
I am chained to this missery,
to this mental trap

Should I sane myself?
Or wait to someone to save me
Save me from me, how ridiculous can I be
Maybe the pieces are in a place unseen.

Maybe there’s no pieces to be found
And there’s only a future to make up
Maybe it is better to just sleep
Will it help me to brush the pain with one blink?

Tired
Of hoping
of dreaming and wishing
only to be let down
and filled with disapointment

Tired
Of life
with its struggles
sickness and sadness
and not knowing whats coming next

And my heart strings slowly strum.
Like the sad strings of a broken violin.
She loves me.
I see it deep within her eyes, I am not one she'd soon forget.
And so weeps the soul of a loveless, broken man.
She loves what I have shown her.
Nothing more.
How could I let her in.
My mental walls are steel, my heart has no recesses.
It brings me pain and awful guilt to know her heart is mine.
For hers still beats and mine has long been dead and decomposing.
The stench causes my eyes to water.
This daughter as Beautiful. Unique. Angelic as the stars above.
Could never have my love.
For i have none at all.
I know only the pains of disapointment, the taste of hate within.
I do not wish to poison her.
I would that her heart live.
This pain within is crippling.
Her smile tears my soul.
How could it be that I, so broken, could ever make her whole.
With lips, so numb and frozen, I say to her; I love you.
And how I wish so badly to believe.
But love is a thing I've never known.
And she, it seems, is fluent.
This angel smiles and speaks with grace.
I cannot bear to keep her gaze.
What is this fear in me.
That one day I would lose her.
And so I cannot give.
As all I've loved has gone away; I fear she too, would fade.
This is the root of my numbness.
I see it now, so clear.
It's not that I cannot love her.
It is that I already do.
And I fear that the fact that she loves me back is too good to be true.
I wonder, when she sees my eyes, if she could see my pain within that only she could lift.
My angel.
I am an undeserving man.
And still my life is blessed with her.
She floods my thoughts, pervades my being.
It seems she never needed to break into my walls.
Somehow, she's always been within.
Even before they had been built.
I say I don't believe in love.
This lie is more for me than any.
But here, I do finally admit.
I love her with all my broken pieces.
Every. Little. Bit.

people say
everything
is better
when
you're blinded
by smoke
or drowning
in alcohol.
but you cant
see the lies
and i
cant swim
through the
disapointment.  
they say it
brings out
the real you.
but i'm not
really me after
the 6th shot
of *****.
and you
arent really
happy
after that
2nd blunt.

Last child of yours
born 2, 4 years after the greatest humans
you ever created, born with endless potential
you have grand expectations of us (them),
its been sixteen long years
and here I am, the ghost of our, your family
the outcast, the disapointment,
the stain on your family name
but this book has been judged,
judged on the cover of a cage
with no room to stretch my wings and fly,
of a garden overgrown with weeds and no room
for this flower to finally bloom,
you do not see the words
that I have yet to write on these blank pages
I will emerge, like a bear, from the winter of my youth
and I will rise, like a phoenix, from the ashes of your illusions
but for now, now I wait
watching, waiting, listening, and preparing
soon I whisper to myself
soon this snake will strike

AAAHHH
Heat and fire
Cold desire
Strong it scalds
By irk and ire
Strained and maimed
My flesh it screams
Writhes and dies
And all is seen
Empty out and empty in
Vacant space that swells and swims
Ripped and torn
Burned and scorned
By loves most joyful ecstasy

What once was sacred
Now betrayed
And now unleashed
What once was stayed

Trapped and chained
Imprisoned once,
But, now released

And now the sounds of shattered dreams
Filter down through oily seams
And feeds the hatred that now streams
Made up of all the childish things
Whose collected promise rings
Hollow as the lier sings

Kept and hoarded are the sounds
Of all the helpless souls who drowned
Inside the broken depths
Below the crushing pressure of a thousand weighted dreams
Stacked on endless shifting beams
Too thick and cold and dark and old
For light to come or heat to hold


Endless darkened black abyss
Created by loves first spurned kiss
Built up by expected bliss
Disapointment you did this

A monster and it's lair
Nothing more than long despair
Hammer forged in bitter air
Black heart that will no longer hear
Acid distilled by pain and fear
A subject to one bitter tear
That grows and grows each passing year
An ocean that now drowns all cheer
For love cannot long live here

Dark days are coming.
Through thick scars and a veil of disapointment
i see that now
My darkness seems to penetrate the light
Like church bells in a quiet breeze.
I am losing myself on a base that cannot be recovered.
This hell is my obituary.
This is me letting go.
Accepting my fate.
I hunt my challenge
And prepare
To live

If you think about it? Why did the chicken cross the road? How many people have you meet in your life? Is a question you cannot answer! But what you can answer is the memories of those you miss and no good or bad memories that would have built your character made you who you are today.

  
But one got to think about the reality! Outside the box it’s not about Now or when, or were, or why! It’s about hope they say time is a healer I beg to differ healing begins with in yourself, take control of your thoughts manage them like how you prepare your bath put the plug in Run your water till it’s nice and warm take your clothes of and jump in the bath.

The same concept works with your thoughts and feelings take control and feelings take control you cry when you happy you cry when you sad! But the two have 2 things in common your tears filled with memories and an Ocean filled with emotions.
  
I’m running going faster and faster not stopping or thinking to tie my shoe lace Next thing I know the thought kicks in! as I look down I need to stop and tie my Shoe laces as I slow down I stop and realize I have tripped over and landed on my face DISAPOINTMENT And anger is the first emotion I feel.
  
But now this accident has happened! All I can do is pick myself up and clean up my face and tie my shoe laces. Wants its broken all you can try and do is try to fix it or move on! Just like a beggar or a *** living on the street moving from one place to another just to survive it’s the same with your life surroundings it’s hard but you have to move on to take that control and mend your broken heart and thoughts you think you have it hard!

But just think for a moment imagine been BLIND Can never see your loved ones. Or been “DEAF” Can’t hear the whispers! Oh no feet or hands can’t walk we must understand we are all unique in a certain way and should not judge our selves’ against others around us!

Be pleased for your life you have because once you lose your personality through judgment or depression that hole only gets Deeper, Darker, And Cold then it kicks in the chain reaction. Doctors Medication! Deeper and Deeper it gets.
Your mind becomes like a rubix cube how to fix it now? It takes DAYS, HOURS, YEARS To fix it if you see or feel that hole in the distance change your path so
to avoid it.

And you won’t find the truth or answers to your Questions. Or the light at the end of the door! NO you won’t find them they will find you when the time is right. People are absolutely “amazing” some good some nasty you don’t feel it but you tend to take a bit of they personality which makes you learn and find you’re self
so be careful with who you meet and how you react in situations Live for today and Pray for tomorrow.  
  


Jidos Reality 26.8.11

the heart of a wanderer is impervious to time, conditions, excitement and disapointment. There is no beggining, no end, no goal in sight. The heart of a wanderer is always there, just where it needs to be, resting peacefully, beating 1, 2, 3. The heart of a wanderer resides in me.

I find it harder and harder to wake up  in the morning not because im lazy or I dont want to go to school. Its solely because im tired; tired of opening my eyes and realizing that Im still here  that i havent been granted my single wish from that one person we call "god". That i have to live through another day in the dark abyuss you call home. I never wanted this life, to be this *******- montser my own mother hides away in her closet, I long for the day i can be happy.  Where i can feel love for the first time. I dont belong here. You see the other day while you all slept, I stayed awake. Its nothing unusal on my part. I live in the dark, sad and alone. Its where ive always been, all ive ever known. That night, this darkness was deeper than before as i sat on my bed and cried my nightly tears I stared into the darkness, looking for my hands Until i rasied them and the tiny sliver of light from my window reflected off my old trusted friend. The cold rusted piece of metal felt right in my hands. It gave me this happiness ill never understand. I shine the glare on my upper leg the lines of dispointment and shame show- themselfs as i read through them; Oh the story they tell.  I know what they all mean I remember every scar and why they lay upon my skin, its a sad story they hold. This one right here the crooked small one Thats the one that started it all. Or this one The wide long dark one twords the end The day i found out i was nothing more than a usless bag of roting flesh to her, that i'll be alone forever.  Thats the one ill never forget Because even to this day I rememeber her sweet soft voice yell at me in the middle of the lunch line to leave her alone. As much as i dont want to remember, no amount of alcohol can fill in the gap she left open Each and every line i read gets me into this rage i cant control Wanting to blame everyone for my problems but i know i caused them myself. I squeze that thin sheet of happiness in my fist and i feel this pain race up my arm  When i let go, my palm is full of this beautiful liquid that remind me im still human. To you it might not seem like much  But to those who understand that unwriten languge you read in the blood "If only this was enough to end your pain, im sorry im insifishant" Its morning now These thoughts have held me back from being happy for once. What is there to do now? Nothing. I have to wait my turn again Oh well, im already used to the feeling of disapointment. I clean myself off in the bathroom right before i look into the mirror. Theres no way to decribe that feeling you get when you look in your eyes and see all the wrong youve ever done.  "Its late, they'll wake up soon" i tell myself  under my breath. I rush to my phone and open to the screen shot of the day i got a taste of what love is. I reread the single reply over and over in my mind before i hear the russle of blankets from the thing my mother decribes as her only son that lays a sleep less than a foot from my bed. "I...i love you"  I try to remember the sound her mouth made as she studered that phrase. " Its time "  I get up from my soon to be death bed and put on my mask before anyone sees The same mask i made myself several years ago. Theres cracks and chips, yes But thats what makes it so uniqe. People try peaking into see my hell. So I do what any scared human would do, push them away. So far they give up and walk away. Im at school, its lunch. I open the door leading into the stair well and i see her. My last hope  Right before she sees me, i count  1...2...3 I remove my mask and hide it  Im shaking shes the first to see whats under. All the years of lonelines will hopefully end today when i show her my heart. Sadly They didnt. They seemed to get lonelier now  "Ding, ding" I dont want to go home I see her car outside waiting for me I feel the vibration in my pocket , I know its her.  I walk slowly down those steps leading to the front.  As i open the door to the outside theres this hope that flutters in my heart the hope i get to see her one last time before i go.  My puples dilate and the sudden blindness fades away  Only to show nobody there. Im "home" now. Theres nothing i can do anymore I just wait here for my time to come.  Its bed time already and i open back to the picture "I...i love you" Thats all i need. The sounds began to fade into the dark  I see her.  No more than a arm away theres nothing around but us. I watch her lips move "I...i love you"  I hear her more vivid than ever tonight. My eyes slowly open Instintly tears rush down the side of my face landing onto the pillow. And so it begans again..

Mundane days
are different for everyone.
Sometimes they're walking into the same bar
every Friday night.
Ordering the same drink
from the same bartender
and drinking to forget.

Sometimes they're jogging in a park every morning
playing the same song
at the same time.
Passing the same people out every day
like clockwork
following their own routines
at the same time.

Mundane days.
Sometimes they're sitting by a window
that's getting pummeled by rain.
With the same type of hot cocoa
that's slightly too hot to drink every time,
breathing in the warm and comforting scent instead.
Looking out the window
lost in the same stormy thoughts.

Mundane days
spent going to school,
talking to the same people.
Hanging out with the same crowd.
Dealing with waves
of perfectly normal teenager-y exhaustion.

They're spent shopping for Christmas dresses
like girls do every year.
The same stores, same disapointment
when the dresses aren't perfect.
The smiles when they find the one.
Priceless yet so mundane.
To be repeated next year.

Sometimes they're people watching
in a crowded train station,
the same one every morning to get to work.
Smiling at the cute couples,
admiring outfits, and sighing at the same commuters
who happen to have the same schedule
and get on the same trains ever morning.

Mundane days spent reading, writing, watching Netflix.
Days spent talking, napping,
eating leftovers from last night's dinner.
Mundane days going about a crystal clear routine
carefully carved by weeks of despair beforehand.
Mundane days born of times when routine was needed
just to feel something.
Just to feel anything.

They look all normal.
All perfectly pristine.
Innocent and mundane.
Until the glass is shattered.

What a disapointment I have become
Born with fists of gold and silver tongue
Yet enchantment now only in visions I see
Melodic ripples of the deepest blue I've sung

What a dreadful failure I stand
Held seeds of power so vast in my hand
Surely no one could be as wasteful as me
The deepest blue waves swallow my land

oh curse the liars
the ones around me
who claim they love me
curse you all **** it
i just want to fit in
and be myself at the same time
ah, that would be gift

curse it all
**** it all
all the ones who have cures
as if i'm a monster
a disapointment
a illness

oh so i am some deformity?
some kind of freak?
some kind of animal that screams
is that what i am now?

but i won't complain
i'll stay hidden like always
like a rush on energy
an outspoken voice
waiting to be set free

You are my drug. ..
My high...
So high. ..
Now you've got me crashing. ..
The lowest low I've ever known...
The disapointment is so palpable I could cut it with a knife...
You failed me on this one...
We've all got our demons...
Somehow your mine...

E.J.M.