It was visceral My gut clenched like I was falling in a dream Deep in the core of me Where the parasympathetic neuron bundles coalesce And tell you to be calm
They were yelling The wave of their signalling swept across the whole of me I tingled and itched from my scalp to my toes All the tiny blood vessels expanded Fueling the sensory nerves of my skin, My pupils dilated My mouth salivated I wanted to reach out with every bit of me I wanted to expand to consume and experience every part of the world To touch everything To feel everything Taste and Smell and See everything I wanted to invent new organs of sensation To better understand it, to experience more, to feel all of it
I jumped up Like a dog And reveled in the pure ecstatic joy of the sensory intensity Every smell, the ambient humidity, the warm breeze The color, the warmth of the sun, The sounds of all the biologic engines of the world Each of which was individually responsible for an infinite joy And together were even more
It was a feeling that lasted only moments And faded in soft turns Till I became acclimated and in time oblivious And the grass was once again, just grass And the flowers were just weeds And the dogs, and the children and the people in the town Were just local residents going about their secret lives And not the heaving mass of cells and life, Climaxing in the moment of their existence to become more
Life is a battle, You are fighting for your life Every day In subtle ways I don't know why But I do know When you stop fighting the battle It will **** you If you let up If you give ground It will eventually grind you back to dirt And life wouldn't be here If not for a vicious tenacity And a will to win A will to keep fighting every day Every animal in the wild Goes up against ridiculous odds Just to eat Just to breed To live even the simplest life I still don't know why But I do know that if you don't fight You die
Minutes are counted in sneezes and coughs Hours in trips to the bathroom and mealtimes Weeks are the time between sunday brunch and sunday brunch I could ask the sun what he thinks of time, But he just sits there smirking Spinning in aimless circles while the clouds dance around him Someone says something Someone laughs Someone else farts The same person laughs again Has a few minutes passed or an hour? How's the weather someone asks 70 degrees inside and dry, The flurescent light flickers like a dead moon Sometimes i go outside and watch the planes take off and land Their large grey girth heaving in and out of the sky, Like rhinos who know where they're going. Can I do this for an additional 6 months?
I've carried his body many times this week I carried him to the helicopter From the helicopter to the hospital I lowered him into the coffin And carried him to the cold storage And to the waiting plane I carry his body in my mind when I try to sleep And think if there was anything I could have done better And there are lots of things And I carry that to I know I will eventually set it down But it is very heavy right now
In a moment Or an hour or a day We feel the incomplete nature of ourselves We perceive an incongruity Between desire And reality Reconciliation of the incongruity Does not happen in a moment In an hour, or a day Some say the incongruity will always exist And to release yourself from desire Will make you one with reality Consider though The dead become dirt in the cool earth We all become one with reality sooner than we desire Perhaps we should appreciate the incongruity
When it rains I like to go running In the cold dull November In the late afternoon When the sun is low The fields and forrest are empty And the whole world is inside Pretending not to care
When it rains I imagine that I'm a fish Sleek and wet and strong Gliding through a cold wet world I imagine that I'm the animal that I am Without a pretense Without an expectation beyond the physicality of the ambient conditions I am an animal in the world Surviving, breathing, being
I look at my damp slick hands and the mist that comes from my heaving breath as I pump my legs, through the mud in the dim forest, As I splash through the puddles and the streams, And think to myself I'd swim the river itself if I had to.
When it rains I imagine I'm the animal that I am Running through the world unmoved Strong and fierce and more alive knowing that the world could **** me If I laid down.
When it rains The world doesn't care It doesn't care even when it's sunny But when it rains, I remember
I'm the animal that I am Running in the cold wet world
**** sadness **** self pity **** that infinite, cold, black empty feeling inside you.
Sacrifice your self imposed mindset of misery On an alter of the ***** you should have stopped giving
First, Take a deep breath Like you are getting ready to dive to the dark bottom of the sea
In, In, In, Like you are ******* up the whole of the world itself Like a god consuming the universe Till the very cells of your lungs are stretched beyond meaning
Past the point you want to scream To the point where your tears are only for your physical pain And then a few awful seconds more And just at the moment Where you think you might have forgotten how to breathe
Let it go
Let everything go Every last ******* piece Every last bit inside Like a deflating balloon
Let it pour out of you like the entirety of your being is seeking to leave
And when the easy bit leaves Keep exhaling
Till you are as empty as the infinite void itself Till you are as empty as you tell yourself you are
And then blow off a little more
And when you can't release one more molecule of CO2 from your wrung out lungs,
Take a free breath
A deep but normal breath
Look around The world doesn't care what goes on inside you It doesn't care how you feel physically Or emotionally So stop feeling sorry for yourself Take charge of it Because it matters to you
Because you matter Whether or not your sadness let's you admit it