Another episode.
It doesn't even make sense to me.
Yesterday I loved you.
Then I hated you.
Then I fell for you again.
Through vivid dreams and semi nightmares.
I wake up.
Coming back into my dreaded consciousness.
I try to listen to the rain.
And touch my cat.
Staring at her beauty.
Trying to remember her hair in her ears..
The black and white patches unevenly spread out.
Her golden iris and the ring of olive green hugging her pupil.
Noting white whiskers,
I touch her soft brushed fur and try to be gracious that even though I do not have work..that day.. That at least I do not have to go to work.
I try to remember my dreams.
I envision myself being peaceful and whole.
Teaching others the practice that I preach..
Yet I'm glued to my bed.
I reach for a book that will bring me closer to my dreams.
But I have more demons than dreams.
I reach for my phone..
Which seems to be the devils right hand man
Pull up the web browser and wonder if other girls feel bad about their guy giving their eyes and blood to other girls..
They do..
So many girls crying and feeling fearful inside..
Because they gave their heart to a pig.
When I cry.. I start by feeling sorry for myself..but then I keep crying because I cry for the world.
I cry for the children that find acceptance they seek in a gang.
I cry for the children that are neglected by their father because they weren't born perfect.
I cry for all the overweight children that don't know any better.
I cry for kittens and puppies that get crushed for a human's amusement.
I cry for the hunger that keep the children awake at night.
I cry for the water I waste day and night.
I cry for the man collecting bottles, for his inner child is dying.
I cry for the loneliness that plagues so many people around me.
I cry for the man trying to live by selling fruit.
I cry for the homeless, for they hurt my eyes.
I cry for the smog and car exhaust we all breathe in everyday.
I cry for the things I wished I had done to help, but still don't do.
I cry for my cat that looks at me crying with her big wondrous eyes
I cry for the sadness I bring not only to the ones I love, but that I keep bringing to this earth every time I open my eyes from sleep and close my heart.
And after I feel all that sadness.. I want someone to take it away...
But I don't know how to say it...
My mind...
It is not well.
My ill mind pushes away the one I need and care for the most.
Spitting my vile and venom.
Even though all I wanted was to be reassured through beautiful words and held tight for yet another night..
After the episode I am nothing again. I am hollow. I feel empty. Incomplete.
Life is meaningless again.
Love is the only thing worth living for.
But I can't even do that right.
I look at the same photographs that made me smile, laugh, and made me feel warm inside half a day ago..
Only to find that they make me feel nothing.
Nothing.
I see just a pale face.. And blue eyes.
But there is no flutter inside me..
I no longer see the sadness and love that floods those eyes.
I so keep laying here.
Hoping to just wither away.
Just to feel better in a few days...
And have it a start over again..
No moon to blame.
No sun to blame.
No clouds to blame.
No rain to blame.
Just me.

Cry into the sky baby
                                                         Cry into the sky
                                                                 Our world's turned upside down
                                                                              And you know why
                         Living in fear and to die
                                               Cry baby, cry baby...cry
                        Following footsteps where they led
                                          Catching rainbows
                                                            That slip through our hands
                                                    Throwing kisses to the wind
                       Dancing on moonbeams
                                                         Through puffs of smoke
                                                  Living on daydreams without any hope
                                                               It's so sad loving shadows
                       Three frozen teardrops
                                                Melting in your hand
                                                            The light is shining where you stand
                                            When your daring to be free
                       Cry into the sky baby
                                                    Cry into the sky
                                              Your worlds turned upside down  
                                                                                 And you know why
                       Living in fear and to die
                                                        Cry baby, cry baby...cry
                       Embracing memories of last good-byes
                                                    Captured waiting for your sigh
                                                                 Closing doors open to the sky
                                                       Only yesterday is gone
                       Childhood visions in the old ones face
                                                   On wings of butterflies gone with no trace
                                                                If you could would you erase
                                                                             Or hold on to the dream
                       Cry into the sky baby
                                                     Cry into the sky
                                             Our world turned upside down
                                                                             And you know why
                      Living and fearing to die
                                                   Cry baby, cry, baby...cry

The Frog and The Bee lived merrily on a log, in a bog in the middle of two Rivers, the River Louse and the River Wry.

They were best friends with the Mouse who had a house on the River Louse and the Elf with one ear and the Fly with one eye who lived on the River Wry.

One day the Frog, on the log in the middle of the bog, said to his dear friend the Bee, it's about time that you and I, the Mouse with the house on the River Louse, Elf and Fly had another adventure.
The Bee buzzed excitedly and said 'what did you have in mind?'
"Well" said the Frog, who lived on the log in the middle of the bog on the River Louse, where the Mouse had his house “I was thinking that you and I and the Fly with one eye could get together with the Mouse, who has a house on the River Louse,and the Elf with one ear and set out for the town of Cry which is on the River Wry”.
” I've heard” said the Frog, who lived on the log in the middle of the bog on the River Louse, where the Mouse had his house “that there is a horse living by the course of the River who because he is getting older needs some help getting his master and friend round the very long bend.”
“I thought you and I and the Fly with one eye and Elf with one ear and the Mouse with a house on the River Louse could come up with a plan to get the barge, the horse, his master and friend around the River bend at the town of Cry on the River Wry”.
“What a great idea” said the Bee to the Frog, who lived on a log in the middle
of a bog, let's go summons our friends, the Mouse with a house on the River Louse and the Fly with one eye and the Elf with one ear and help the master and his horse round the River course”.

So the Frog and Bee set out to find the Mouse with the house on the River Louse and the Fly with one eye and the Elf with one ear and explain to them that there was a horse who needed their help to get a barge and his master and friend around the River bend.
The Mouse with the house on the River Louse and the Fly with one eye and The Elf with one hear were easy to persuade, they all agreed to let Frog, who lived on a log in the middle of the bog, to take the lead.
Frog said to the Elf with one ear “we need to you to be the eyes for the Fly with one eye and help him find his way to the town of Cry on the River Wry”.  
To the Fly with one Eye, Frog, who lived on a log in the middle of the bog said “we need you to help the Elf with one ear and be his ears, working together to find your way to the town of Cry on the River Wry”

The friends set out on their way to the town of Cry on the River Wry, Frog, who, lived on a log in the middle of the bog, croaked very nosily as he hopped from lily pad to lily pad from River Louse, where the Mouse with the house lived, to River Wry and their destination the town of Cry.

The Bee buzzed happily on the shoulder of the Frog, who lived on a log in the middle of the bog, and accepted the ride with his friend to the River bend at the town of Cry on the River Wry.

The Fly with one eye and the Elf with one ear set out together, the Elf with his perfect eye sight led the way to the town of Cry on the River Wry.  The Fly with his perfect hearing kept the Elf safe from harm and alerted him to any creature that may be nearing.

It was a beautiful afternoon and the friends would get to the town of Cry on the River Wry soon, the Frog and the Bee, the Fly and the Elf and the Mouse with the house on the River Louse, would help their friend the horse and his master get around the very long course of the River at the town of Cry on the River Wry.

After several hours, the friends all agreed it wouldn’t be long now until their friend the horse would be in sight and they would use all of their skills and all of their might to help their friend navigate around the bend of the river at the town of Cry on the River Wry.

The Frog croaked to the Bee, look our friend is in front of you and me, the horse is close to the River bend and he will soon need all his friends to help him round the bend close to the town of Cry on the River Wry.

The horse was pleased to see his friends, the Frog, who lived on a log in the middle of the bog, the Bee and the Mouse who had a house on the River Louse, the Fly with one eye and Elf with one ear, he began to neigh and cheer, at last he would have some help from his friends to get him, the barge and his master and friend around the river bend.

The Frog, who lived on a log in the middle of the bog, asked the horse “how can we assist you and your master?”.  The horse replied ” of course I need good eyes and ears and lots of noise to guide the master, the barge and me, the horse, of course, around the river bend.”
The Frog, who lived on a log in the middle of a bog, replied “I have an idea, the Elf with one ear has perfect eyes and the Fly with one eye has perfect ears, myself the Bee and the Mouse with a house on the river louse can all make lots of noise, together we will all work to assist your master and you, the horse, around the river course".
The horse did neigh as if to obey and went to find his master.  With a collar around his neck attached to the barge he lowered his head and began to walk.
The Frog, who lived on a log in the middle of a bog and the Mouse who had a house on the River Louse and the Bee made as much noise as a trio of three could possibly.
The Frog, who lived on a log in the middle of the bog, did croak, the Mouse with a house on the River Louse, did squeak and the Bee did buzz and together they made an awful lot of fuss, and the horse did neigh as if to say, he heard them all just fine.

The horse continued to walk and the Fly with one eye and the Elf with one ear did appear, and encouraged the horse to walk on, the Fly with its perfect ears did listen to his friends, The Frog who lived on a log in the middle of the bog, the Mouse who had a house on the River Louse and The Bee, and talked the horse around the river bend.  
The Elf with one ear and its perfects eyes did talk to the horse and describe the course of the river at the town of Cry on the River Wry.

In no time at all the horse, the barge and the master, his friend had gotten all the way around the large bend of the river at the town of Cry on the River Wry.
The horse did neigh as if to say "Thank You" to his friends, the Frog who lived on a log in the middle of the bog, the Bee, the Mouse with a house on the River Louse, The Fly with one eye and the Elf with one ear and invited them to stay for tea.  
The Master was so pleased that he fell to his knees and said to the creatures big and small "thank you for your help today it is fair to say that without your noise, your perfect sight and perfect talk the horse would not have made the walk around the river bend".
"Now" said the master to the new set of friends "lets set up camp past the river bend and have a cup of tea", "thank you" said the Frog, who lived on a log in the middle of the bog and the Bee, "we’d love a cup of tea".

So this very odd group of friends sat around and made mend with a cup of tea and a fire to keep them warm as they swapped stories for the night and tomorrow the friends would make their way home.

The Frog, who lived on the log in the middle of the bog, turned to his special friend the Bee and said “thank you for believing in me”

There is a cry
A cry in the night
The cry is ignored
It grows louder
But still ignored
It grows stronger
But still ignored
The cry in gone
But the one who cries is too
Cause they were ignored

Don't ignore
Remember
Care
Be there


I heard a cry
A cry in the night
I ignored the cry
It grew louder
But I still ignored it
It grew stronger
But I still ignored it
The cry is gone
But my sister is too
Cause I ignored her

Don't ingore
Remember
Care
Be there

I heard a cry
A cry in the night
I ignored it
It grew louder
I listened
It grew stronger
I went
The cry is gone
I was not there in time
My daughter is gone
Cause I ignored her

Don't ignore
Remember
Care
Be there

In the Vestibule

In a room throbbing with pain, we gather...
so much unspoken,
so many unexpressed reasons for the tears,
so much anguish not shared.

In little groups we stand chatting. Is this
how we revere the dead?
In little groups we stand laughing. Is this
how we pay homage?

We speak of life's superficial things - jobs and
kids and cars.
Is this how we honor her life?
I feel confused by this and so much more...

In the Chapel

confused by what the priest says.
He speaks of her new
and better life, yet
applauds her struggle to stay
with this one.

What does this mean? that we cling
to this one because it's all we know?
that we have to come to believe
we are ready for something else? something
perhaps better?

But what about people who die suddenly?
Do they come to that acceptance
in a mere instant?

Feeling confused by my mixed and tangled
feelings, I ask myself
what I am crying for.

I cry for everyone and everything. I cry
for death and I cry for life.
Like my feelings the two are mixed
and tangled, each inextricably part
of the other, each both painful
and beautiful.

The incense, the holy water, the priest's robes,
the candles, the ritual words...
remind me
of my own loss and grief. Deeply buried,
they are pushed to the surface
raw and stinging. Once again I cry
for the loss of my father. Once again I ache
for the loss of my mother. Then I feel selfish
and guilty...
and I cry for this.

I cry for regret...
regret for not knowing her better.
I cry for her children...
so young to lose a mother.
I cry for her mother...
a child is not supposed
to die first.
I cry for her husband whose soul is torn asunder.
I cry for her grandchildren.

I cry for the grandchildren
I'll likely never have
for the grandparents
I never knew.
Once again, I feel selfish and guilty...
and I cry for this.

At the Reception

I cry for my confusion,
for not knowing
what to say. I cry
for words not spoken and
feelings not expressed. I cry
for the emptiness of words
that *are said. I cry
because I don't know
what else to do.

In hope of a moment's respite
from the anguish
and solitude,
I cling desperately
to anyone who'll let me.

In that moment I feel
her presence
and
rejoice that I knew her...

if only for awhile,

Cry*
Louder  & scream,
Cry
Clear so noises travel far and near,
Cry
With terror as hair turns white,
Cry
With fright the things seen are as real as night,
Cry
On a pillow, hide you eyes
Cry
All night, it will matter little come light
Cry
Till heard, voices come near
Cry
Until steps heard closer my dears
Cry
As if a last breath is the next to disappear,
Cry
CRy
CRY
All you wish for all will bleed tears
**Before the end of the night don't you see....