I once knew a positive boy
Sometimes my thoughts are haunted by him
I wonder if he ever considered me a friend
Although I sometimes tend to pretend that we were close
I always feel guilty afterwards
It seems silly that I indulge in these thoughts since I don't have a right
I wasn't there every step of the fight
Just bits and pieces and not even that
But what I can say is that he was a good boy and that I was lucky enough to meet someone like him
One of the best that I've known
Let my voice sound like a drone but it won't take away my message
I'm not glorifying him just stating the truth
Because when youth comes to an end and we seize to pretend that we will live forever it is when we feel like we are leaving those who arnt with us behind.
But we never actually do.
I know a girl who is very kind
She cried when his physical presence seized to exist
Nobody would insist that she talk about her feelings
And that was okay
She would smile and say it's all for the best
But I had to confess that I was broken hearted
But the boy who departed was her best friend
She didn't pretend that she was fine but she knew somewhere down the line she would be.
I once loved a boy
Who I've never seen cry up until the best friend dial was denied
A dead line with nothing but hope on the other end
If you didn't know that news traveled fast
The news traveled as if it was running from the truth
Because when youth comes to an end and we seize to pretend that we will live forever it is when we feel like we are leaving those who arnt with us behind.
But we never actually do.
He was a friend
Everyone's friend
His hers mine class of 2013 friend
And he won't ever be forgotten
He will always come back whether it's a red hot chili peppers song
Or just a warm august breeze gushing in
We all remember
Because when youth comes to an end and we seize to pretend that we will live forever it is when we feel like we are leaving those who arnt with us behind.

But we never actually do.

O, almighty Puppetmaster. You think yourself God.
Because you pull my strings, you believe you know my heart.
You are the maker, the wise creator.
You self-centered *******.
You truly believe your magnanimity is infinite.
Your strings are chains by which I refuse to abide any longer.

im breaking away to live my own life
my own way my own two feet
ill not dance to amuse you and your friends
ill be free to love and laugh and smile
WHEN I WANT WHO I WANT HOW I WANT

ur strngs are dum i dont need thm
they arnt me they arnt my life
no thing u can ever do will make me loose my hart
cuz this is me this is what u can never pull with any strng or chane
just cu
                t
             m
                              
    e
                     
                  f
          

r
                                        

                   e


          e

                          .
.
.
              ~

We never hang out anymore
your allways with her
has she replaced me
as your true bestie
apparantly because when
she calls you run

We never talk anymore
We used to share everything
we used to share secrets
we used to  share jokes
but when she's here you go

We used to be like sisters
We used to stay up all night
We knew each other so well
we started off so beutiful
but when she says sister your gone with no words*

we arnt best friends anymore
like the wind she swept you away
that best friend stealer she made you go away
like a river she drowned you in lies
like the flu she spread rumors of me
and you listend
I miss MY EX-BEST FRIEND

not everyone makes the team

losers don’t get trophies too

its not about the happy ending its about the story

you cant “trust everyone until they give u a reason not to”

im not as smart as u made me think I was, it hit me hard when applying for college and dating boys

if something doesn’t come back, it wasn’t urs in the first place, but u never told me that they could come back for the wrong reason

drunken words arnt always sober thoughts, but drunken cravings

not everyone who says they love me means it

people can look into ur eyes and still be lying, and they make it look easy

I cant change the world, the world changed me and now we are just struggling together

bad grades doesn’t mean no intelligence

the sun always comes back up, yeah, but I don’t know that if Im too busy crying under my covers for 4 days straight

my coat will keep me warm from the cold weather but why didn’t u tell me what keeps my cold fear of losing people stop shivering?

I cant be whatever I want to be

the man I marry wont always treat me like a princess, but he might to the woman he leaves in the middle of the night for

dancing doesn't make everything better, it just makes u realize u had a partner to dance with

***** is a coping skill

drugs arnt the only thing that makes me hallucinate, deep green eyes do too

the news doesn't actually exaggerate

some scars never heal

the girl who claimed she never believed in love died, of heartbreak

Through the dark and long night
Into a new world
Away from the suffocating reality
And into my own that I control
Past the closed eyes
Despite a still body there’s an active mind
During the night rest
Until a bright sunrise
Till the next dark night
Throughout the day I will wait for sleep

People tell me to calm down,
Calm down getting angry won't help,
Calm down the tears arnt gonna bring her back,
Calm down getting frustrated won't get it done,

What if I don't want to calm down,
What if I want to let go of calm,
See where it takes me,
Calm calm down for what,
For pain,
Loss,
Sadness,
Calm down for what,

It's like everyone says calm down,
Like it's magic and will make it all better,
When I calm down it dosnt make it better,
It makes it worse makes me think of all the things,
That I did wrong,
Of all the bad memories,
Of all the bad times,

What if letting to of calm,
Means I can be free,
Free to live life like I should,

Because to me to stay calm,
Is to put your self in prison,
A prison made by everyone else,

Staying calm is not what it seems.

Selfish I tell you selfish I see you have a grand smile there Can I walk all over you if you don't mind? can I stab you in the back while your not looking while I'm at it I,ll be quick in and out your life you won't even know I was here.Thanks for being a looser and bailing me out please don't call me if you need help too this relationship only works one way.Being the nice guy ***** I'm sure that's what they say about me to themselves.The girls oooh their their worst.He bought me flowers and carried my bag and put me in a cab he didn't even try to take advantage of me his such a gentlemen his so sweet let me bang his best friend his I'm sure he,ll love that .No wonder there arnt much of us left with this kind of treatment who in their right mind would stick around not me certainly.

she is in the full length mirror
in a long white dress
tossing her hair
and she says aloud
that she doesn't like it at all
i laugh and go take her in my arms
and we start to sway
looking eachothers eyes and feeling the warmth
of our embrace
i am intoxicated in her perfume
and in the scents of her eye
wander the mysterious paths of a woman's heart
and caress the soft textures of her romantic soul
she laughs that we are gonna be late
we are going to be out on the ballroom floor
in the spinning lights and smokey air
slow dancing in eachothers arms
soft touching eachother in every way
swaying to the songs we arnt even listening to
we only see eachother
the rest of the world is some long lost summer night long ago
far away from this ballroom floor
far away from us
she leads me off the dancefloor
and our to the cool evening air
and we make out in the back of the car
like we were once again teenagers on a school night again
enjoying the caress and loving the taste feel
the knowin
we make love
grand slow and glowing warm love
and then the world slows
and picks us up again
we break into giggles
as we go on home
sneaking into our own house
like we were a couple of kids all over again
she has re-discovered the young man in me
for the dew eyed girl in her
and she has rekindled the happy for ever after
the lets just kick off our shoes and run in the waves
the light in her eyes
is enough for me

Swisscheese isnt thin enouph.
Slices of bread arnt quite wide enouph
to be intbetween a win.
A dishwasher thinks of drunk elk fighting
On the devils table top.
He tells her to aim for the ink spot on the cueball.
But shes married to a sleeping bull.
He shows horns on friday not the tuesday
when everythings resting like salmonberries.
His herd comes for brunch and a few
glasses of champaighn on sunday.
But hes the grass they graze on.
Its his job to be a dish washer.
His frienes job makes sure the feild
tastes fresher then crab grass.
His efforts give him a choice
To leave or freeze some where else in
North dakota where the trucks rest like insomiacs.
Always on so the engine wont get hypothermia.
His text reads  his lanhuage:  im happy here.
Money doesnt control the few years I have
to waste on happiness.

Do you remember the day you said goodbye?
Did you cry your most heartfelt cry, and how much did it hurt?
Did it feel like the heavens came crashing down
and on their way to oblivion, they collided with your heart
and stole it away from you?
Stole it away like that indian giving sun,
and however racist it may be,
it's true.
Goodbyes, if properly done, should hurt
You should feel the pain of amputation,
for although it's not external,
it's a part of you removed, but somehow existing on its own.
Goodbyes, if properly done,
should leave you empty.
Empty like that candy *****
after you finished cramming down your last savory bite.
Goodbyes, if properly done,
should leave you yearning for the future.
They should drive you to return
to that thing that you so foolishly left behind.
But, goodbyes, if properly done,
should inspire you to grow.
They should inspire you to create something new,
something fulfilling.
Goodbyes need to be cherished,
and although they arnt the same as a newborn baby,
fragile, innocent and naive,
you should treat them all the same.
Goodbyes are special, unique,
and even though it's redundant to say,
they are one of a kind.
Goodbye's, if properly done,
should not be done
at all.

Your name means many things my sweet.

Your first is a continuation of many before. A take on a name well loved.

It resembles family narrative and new beginnings,
Yet it brings back memories of old favorite books.

Though she didn't know it your middle means a lot too.
My grandmothers name, may it someday pass to you.
I'm sure she would love you, and your mother, she was a spitfire too after all.

Though she didn't mean for me to see, I love the choice and all it means to me, least I know it means something to you too.

Lastly comes Berrus, my family namesake.
We don't come from much,
But we offer all that we are.

We will put food on the table and a roof overhead and we will be
Fiercely Loyal.
We arnt known for always making well thought out decisions,
But we always try to do what we think is right.

So long as I someday get to meet you
Molly Jane Berrus.

Why are these times changing?
Drifting us apart,arnt they honey
Remember when v fell in love?
Promises to stay close in thick nd thin
Where is our stupid rock and rollin?
This time has taken its toll perhaps on us
Our romeo and Juliet bubble has burst

Why my mind keeps me pushing?
Weren't v happy,or was it a flashback?
If u  ask yourself about me,wont u once?
I know i broke promises,but did i leave?
How i used to **** your anger by just kissing
This time has probably been jealous of us
Our romeo and Juliet bubble has burst

want to know whats worse than being "owned" by someone? knowing that at
any
given
momen
tthat very same person can disown you.
relationships arnt a secruety blanke
ttheyre a tightrope
and im afraid of hights.
why in the world would i want to be in that posistion
to frolick after
one person
out of the BILLIONS of different people
but why would i want to frolick
after anyone?i have myself, my art, my own world
that i love
why should anyone else have the self proclaimed
rightto share my world with me?i dont want to be
that girl
on a mans arm
i dont want to belong to
to have to rely on
anyone.
i dont want someone elses feelings
that responsibility
weighing medown
down
down
into the guilty depths below that tightrope.

hey miss miles,
way out gone I miss your smiles,
the power sun rays,
have betraded
the shower fun days back when faded,
lying out beneath the tree
frying us just fealing free,
fealin both our trips
both soft upon the lips
          
  nows  just drifting out like ships
out upon the eye on guard
  to cry would just be hard,
           day by day the words are lost but
  memories just never tossed,...
all we shared,
  the stunts we dared.
       you were there for sure of course you cared.
and still will do up high up on your hill
  things arnt the same but I'm still sain
about to pop this pill..

in my mind last place that You will still be found,
far out sure around but I'm just dying on this ground
                                        I'm gone no sound......

Astro capsuls(car) warm delight
Ballistic speeds to the extreme
Catagorised on shape and style
Detour from the mentor
Elevated on pavement close to enslavement
First to the mark forging through the dark
Grounds down below like a rivers flow
Highlighted with lines to guide you along
I see the danger to react is no stranger
Jerky action bad disaster
Klinkity klink klink on a broken castor
Left outta breath, DMT the chemical master
Money leaves my pocket to fix my expensive little rocket
Need all my wheels to feel, now its heel to heel
Orange is the word that mixes well with porrage
Porrage stays good in storage unlike an orange
Question the suggestion of a new auto selection
Running and walking without the radio theres more talking
Service stations fuel the imagination
Time slips by in the wink of an eye
Under the weather convertables arnt better
Vast spaces traced in the unknown race
Watching life through layers of sand
X-ray vision lights at hand
Yellow dot marks the spot of caution
Zenieth and zorrow were standing on the Yellow

and thats how i crashed my ABCs
next time wont you please
GET THE ******* THE ROAD for me

The bay sometimes after the rain clears can
Make you smile.Then will you be able to hear my cities cry
To be named the city of destiny.  My city cries out Tacoma Washington
Pierce county area code two five three. My city says you and I are
Irish, russian, polish,and spanish.
My city says you and i are  homosexual,
bisexual, transexual, lesbian, straight and perhaps homeless.  

My city often lets
You watch us wear our costumes. our rain jackets are costumes,
Some are black, some are  white, and some have knitted desighns of children
running home after school gets out.  stitched on their back is a book about what destiny means. English isnt the only language.  In the thick pages my city tells them to rise up against intolerant people, to rise in love and hope that maybe you a stranger to my city understands a few principles my city believes in.  But we arnt strangers because you probably live in my city.  Or I dwell in yours as a proud individual dwells.  If we be strangers then let me take you through my city.  Ill put my arm around your wet shoulder and share my coat with whoever you want to be in our city of destiny.

When a poet falls in love
Things can fall into place
or not
When you love a poet
You cant expect normality
Things inside a poet's head arnt clear.
Things the poet wants are faded.
Obscure.
When you choose to give your heart
There really is
No telling
The outcome.
The poet will try to use the words he's used so well before,
But end up stumbling upon every syllable.
Don't expect something
The breaking of hearts is not intentional.
Just a mere side effect.
Ghosts haunt the mind
Of a poet.
If you are down
To love
Expect
To be
Broken
It *****.
But in the end
Arnt we all broken?
A poet can only try
So hard
Too hard maybe
But it is you
That picks up the knife.
The poet can use words
To try to save you
Because words are all that he's ever had
And they will fail him.
Just as so many have before.
So
If that poet loves you
And says it
He means it.
i meant it
But things can only go so far
And you went over the edge.
She tested a poets words.
How is one to face suicide from a thousand miles away?
This poet cant give up
But only try so much
Before laying the pen down
And say
okay
Because you chose
*to love a poet

Is this principle ? This palace ?
Progress seeking an empty room
Solace sounds like splinters - alone
Piercing the skin/ the ears/ examples
Forgiven in a girl of blood that is not
Belonging, validated, uncarven and noteing calories
You arnt who you had planned to be
Why cant i stop loving an idea
Now , for once , wont you call me
My own name, she wont be sad to see
Us die. A useless thing or a commodity
Im only as good as i try
Release , fiends onto me
Im used to it- ravaged ***** humans
Believe / believe in ....
Badly bruisen humans
Believe me / believe in
Broken burning buildings
Believe me / its worth it
We are flowers among the ruins

Free-Write 12
What's up with this feeling?
This unfamiliar feeling, dealing blows to my core
Bass shaking up the ceiling
I tremble with each quake trying to find stable ground
But struggle to find it, see I don't make a sound
The building is collasping and my mind gets to racing,
chasing an idea I haven't yet schemed up
yet another vivid scenero I've just so happened to dream up
a place where every thought and idea seems to fall and become debris around me
and my heartbeat emerges and lashes out wildly
as if to get my attention but I try hard not to listen
because my hearts desires arnt always morally acceptable
at least by my mind standards
You see I fear that emotion can drive us crazy
So I conceal apart of me because I couldn't seem to find a balance
And plus I'm tryna stay focused but it's strange without guidence
And at times when things don't happen to make sense
And the pressure gets too intense it happens to breakfree and dispense the nonsense that I've refused to hear into my consciousness.
Therefore I ask myself, what is this?
Why do I think when I must act?
I understand a need for caution
but maybe a leap of faith is a far better option
You've gone this far, don't hesitate, take action
If you fail, well good
Because if you hadn't how else would you have knew
I swear to you in time you will improve
Because in life there are things you must do
But you won't be able to if you can't prove
That when the oppurtunity shows, you will ensue.

It's getting darker,
malice, resentment,
jealousy,
a fruit salad Of youth misfits
from hacker
to packer,
smuggler to rapper,
but what happen was after
Was The economy became a *******

with no fathers to guide it,
cause they already tried this
Now our kids like us could lose an earlier retirement

And I'm tired of it
causing a chain of half *** generation backlash,
so more get thier back thrashed
by their own family while a fat cat

Brings bad luck like a black cat
Filthy rich while some live out of a backpack
And this is me claiming my
two cents so u can tell
The government to tax that

Cuz they Always got us to laugh at
while they get their back scratched
But he gets a happy ending so it's
not just his back scratched

No wonder hes chaffing
and'll probably be chasing penicillin
Cuz itchy And scratchy has nothing to do with cartoons to this vilan

Now the employees the boss
And the boss like ur salads tossed
But we all have to bare a cross
Now my Stomachs all in knots

Cuz Everything's, rush rush
Kiss *** kiss *** blush blush
U wanna move on  up up?
Then find a **** And **** ****

While cancers at us like duck duck
And the goose is getting more then a goose egg
when their goose is cooked

and mother goose told us about 3 political parties not just one
she said
"Three blind mice see how they run"

So while George tells the idiot a story
about the rabbits
The greedy let money make them a savage
while We die slowly from our habits,

Why do we have it,
And To call us mankind is silly
Cuz what mans kind these days really? The one thinking with his wily

to free *****, feelin up a  womans manipulations and call it biology
By staying abreast psychologically
Which is a sociopaths  ideology

now im off of my own topic
Like i provided it just to rob it
Like I went to my bank and boosted the same cash I jus deposited

No wonder Im rich with annoyance
i must have won a lottery
thats how all these things bother me
my community missing comradery

Instead we steal with robbery
slaughterin wuts left of the economy
Like ur ****** coming back again
only this time for ******

Cuz things arnt the way dey outta be. Everything's about novelty
When we need less walk in clinics for addictions, and bad doctoring

Until narcotics flood the street
Someone tell those officering
dealers r those with Scripts 4 oxys
But nice that they're offering

Wut happen to philosophy
Where are all the neo saucrates?
Shooting for monopoly but that cant save u being a ******* obviously  

oh this horror is such comedy
Lately I think i need a lobotomy
good and evil battle within me opposed Im like a walking dichotomy

Now procreations odd to me
flawed To be a double standard like belief of having no right To play god and take life yet its ok to us to play god and make life

It's contradiction is guess
depends on position I guess
2balls to help my two cents express
so this is a requisition I guess

Far from living true freedom but its
Been gone so long who needs em
People say u cant find a trusting person these days..so Y dont u B one

But no, we always need some
Reward or valid reason,
When we already got the biggest...
sharing a home in all seasons

But lately were greatly
crazy, Like oh baby
maybe lately, we fried Our brains chasin the American Dream unsafely

No wonder I sadly dislike myself
And everyone else lately
this is how the world has made me
So u can love me or hate me

But from now, I refuse to allow
Another power to make or break me
I won't follow rules or lemming like fools, I will no longer live safely

Or by a risk management thought
Cause one day well all finally stop
And See that the only real thing
Given to us is each other and not

Valuing it Is like our words and being and heard, Feeling emotion to cry
But still were sick enuf to look in a lovers eye to say I love u as a lie

So don't let them , sell u a high
sell u a dream or sell u heaven
Cuz The ones selling treatment is
usually the same ones producing the weapons

And I tried to spare u this rant
But it just can't be kept in
Something smells badly and sadly
i think its the **** I just stepped in.....

I must be a stairway
The way I get stepped on
I must be a nightmare
The way I get slept on
I must be a ****
Cause all I got is *****
Life must be a maze the ways
I bump my back into walls
I must be a toilet cause
I'm constantly **** on
I must be repulsive rejected
Whoever I hit on
Must be a ****** as I'm spit on
Must be a door cause they push me
U r wut u eat and on good Friday
I always eat *****
Cause I love chicken *****
At Chinese food spots
I must. Be a target like a sponsor
For target the way they take shots
I must be in pain the way
I take pain killers So
I hope the pain stained is detained
And not refrain from slow
Pain removal and it soon'll
Tell by time but I'm weary
Mirrors seem to fear me
Homeless people are less. Needy
They don't. Need me I'm
Depressing and it stinks my clothes
I must have aids cause I can't even
Get laid by hoes
I must just be gross
Net pay and gross shows. Nothing
And I must. Be associated with
It as I'm nothing unless I'm something
Along the lines of an
******* or a *****
Or so I'm told by people cold
And wish I'd die but I did
Die because I seem to be a
Ghost to most I know
Only call me when there problems
Are so ****** up they know
No matter how ****** up there
Situation. Is that I've seen worse
Which is insulting and flattering
All in the same verse
I must have a curse
Like Toronto maple leafs
Who coulda had a cup by.now
But the phat cats are cheap
But stupid are we not them
Because there's no sense
In investing in a roster if merchandise
And seats commence
To sell and they do always
From loyal die hard fans
Who they rob of bein part of a
Contender team but the stands
Are full I guess losings just
A pass time now
But I'm so off track where was
I, **** I forget now
I believe I was ******* in my
Own special way
And I always get ****** cause I'm an
*** so I guess I'm gay
I must be a runaway
Cause I don't got a home
I can go back to, am I a dog
Cause in my pants is a bone
I must be a **** pad
Cause my wings don't help fly
I guess I'm not a big girl
Cause big girls dont cry
I must be a fat *** cause my
Fat has a fat mass
Equivalent to precious eaten
By fat joe and thats
Not the type of mass with
Stained glass and religion
Where an alter boys farts are
Never heard if u listened
In an amplifier I'm ampped on fire
But nobody sees it
So if I said president Obama
Had ****** diseases
No one would protest and say jesus
Christ that was wrong
What would Jesus do?
He would probably write a song
About his long slong his **** and
Very long hair
He'd. Never sleep with delilah
But still a cross he must bear
But I would never cross a bear
Are u aware jerusalems where
Darker skin toned people appear
So why is Jesus so fair
Well I don't really care
Not even sure why I asked
90% of the world is unattractive
Sounds harsh but do the math
Am I a long necked giraffe
Cause mom said I belong in a zoo
Which is appealing as the monkeys
Get to masterbated and throw poo
I have no hint let alone a clue,
Was. nEver quite clued in
Too busy angry collecting debt
Feeling disrespect and sins
I now and forever regret since
Ii grew up a little
Had to stop substituting ****** pills
For my bag full of skittles
So I must be a riddle
An enigma to ponder
I don't journey with destination
Only have patients to wander
So to be a doctors patient I
Saunter and walk into a walk in
Clinic so in it i mimic a ******* to
finish with a script for poppin
Perkecette oxycotton
Clonasapan diasapan even
So my back pain I make so real
It starts to hurt as I'm leavin
But giving. doctors are decieving
So deceiving them does not
Pin guilt aide it wilts knowing
The real drug dealers the doc
Sending people who got
Addiction problems to phone
A Clinic to start u a new dependency
Called methadone
So leave the **** alone, such
A mess and known
If ur not an ignorant clone
That can't see on there own
It's the same drug dealer
Just a different drug
So how does **** for oxy heads
Really help them its rough
I must be a mute cause all
My opinions arnt heard
And I protect my pocket with no
Pocket protecter so am I a nerd
I must be a bad ****** word
Cause whenever I am. Brought up
Eyes go wide as if I am a bad
Influence like I'm hopped up
On morphine and more fiends
Are. Created each day
As doctors seem to just
Wanna give there drugs away
Well I'm done for the day
That's enough complaints for me
And if u didn't like it call 1800
I don't give a **** and Plz
Remember if it's busy just hang
up and try ur Call  again
Cause I always look forward
To being **** on for when
I use the freedom of speech
Giving to me as a right
So those opposed your all *****
So that means I must. Be a ****
*** yikes ewww a **** yuck
Get it away
So what I say I had to say Plz don't play
With what lay in my spray
Of opions in the way I say
What I say when I say it
If u hate me I'm still on ur mind
And worth hating so go ahead hate it
Poetic dues I payed it
Roads I pave it so those
Who chose to be a voice for
His beliefs always knows
There way but in dismay
I may not pray for others
Cause they may see a dead end
Even though they are covered
And smothered in talent
But if never discovered ur covered
Lucky if Facebook will even read
Let alone brothers and mothers
Cause to hypnotize the others
Selling out lurks in the way
And wut defines selling out is such
An area of grey
So goodbye again I'll say
I'm on my way out and gone
Not even a penny for my thoughts
And it's so sad a penny's beyond
What most would pay
As they say I'm just one of alot
But I maybe a snowflake looking
The same but actually I am not

You cant sweep your kids under the rug.
You cant push us aside and go drinking.
After all,
You made us.
It was your night of fun, wrether intentional or not that made us.
You cant ignore us
We need you.
As much as your work ****** you off
You cant take it out on us.
Why do you think we are so against you?
Or better yet
What did you do to make us that way.
Because we...well i dont hate for no reason.
i always have a reason
Why do you hit us,
You know you wouldnt like to be hit.
Why are you so angry
I know....life *****,
But your kids will find out eventually, no need to make them learn now.
You cant butter us up
Because we arnt dumb.
Parents
Love the kids.
You made em
So love em.
Dont leave them in the dark
Because it hurts.
Dont. Leave us

This iS Becoming So Frustrating.
iM Stuck Between The
Do's & Dont's. Right Or Wrong
Heart or mind
Past & Present, Hope or Dope
Love Or Drugs
Mixed Emotions, Becoming numb
Sobriety reality &
Hating life. Finding happiness.
Keep working on
Myself or just giving up, so confusing
So simple but my mind
And mentality just
Arnt usual.

Crazy perfume you smell when the doors swing wide open.
Crazy tiny hour hands tell every manican your shopping
toaday.
You buy summer dresses 50 percent off.
You watch my world slow down because I am
hanging like a hat on hooks.
I saw John crowe Ransome buying a suite
for a friends funeral.
Still I think he just wanted to leave.
Before the mall closed toaday I wanted to
become a waxed tile.  Or even a plastic tree
next to the recliners.  ( I coudnt be anything I wanted in here)
My painted jeans arnt for sale anymore.
Because years made them fade.  
Now im inside new stores, new venues
to make happiness continue.  
Some how its all the same.
When did I shift places
because the racks seem full
of sadness.  I know where to
find mirriors even if no body
else actually wants to see
themselves reinvented again.

darkness can come over us at any time, when we least expect it
turns our day into night, my darkness hides monsters, they are faceless
and yet each one,has my face, a face of mistakes
each bloodsoaked line, tells its own story
a grain of sand in a lifetime, of blood guts, and glory
a page in a book, a look into someones life
a good read, or a reason to hide, float away on the tide

i watch people, not people like me, there arnt any
just regular mr and mrs smith
i watch them shop, chat, buy, sell, argue,
i watch them watch me, i wonder do we all just watch each other
do sisters watch brothers, sons and daughters,
fathers and mothers, we all watch the clock, tick tock
time running out, death getting closer,life going out
people rush to get somewhere, rush to get back
sit for 5 mins and think about rushing, for this and that
not taking time to chat, laugh, or nap
no time to rest, just headless chickins
searching for slim pickings, life has to offer

sheep that bleet, waiting to be meat, on some fat ******* table
stuffing it in, relaying some useless fable
to guests that have requests, to be entertained
wine and dine, pass the time, like fat swines
feeding and breeding, living to eat, to consume
we are nothing, nothing that matters anyway
we just eat, bulshit, die, and fade away
we are here for a short stay, in this coffin life
living in stone tombs, for a price
noyone cares, noyone is nice, we are all rats and mice

kids and a wife
a sharp knife, to cut my own throat
bleed me dry, make me cry
leave this life, its not nice,
daytime fading, darkness waiting, life escaping
i dont care, nothing left here for me anymore
i am sick of being life,s *****
cant do it , feel sick, cant look in the mirror, to face myself
i am a blank expression,
eyes cloud over, time has run out, i am free, dont cry for me
i am finally where i need to be,
alone, in the ground, not a sound,
cold, old, no more storys to be told
just darknesss

I need help
i'm stuck in a place with no time
there are no clocks on the wall
phones arnt allowed
and im appalled
cause i just put up my very last dollar
my rent is sitting on the table
Jack of spades
and a 6 of hearts
seriously is this the **** i get
as my life is picked apart
Why have i worked so hard
just to throw it all way on the flip of a card
yet i cling to this like this is the answer
this is whats going to save me
but im digging a grave
im buried in debt
the dealer has BlackJack
and i have nothing left

Lets pretend we are happy.
The golden sun rays are bouncing off the sidewalks
the children are playing hopscotch on those side walks,
carrying red balloons in their laughter and brightly coloured rainbows are painted across their faces.
Lets pretend the weather isn't changing.
lets pretend it isn't raining
lets pretend, the cold raindrops are not seeping into the cracks in the sidewalks and the hooded men, are just passing by..

lets pretend that seasons change
and the cold glances I get from the neighbours barred windows are only temporary

lets pretend that babies are not born everyday

lets pretend the do not have to carve themselves out into a world full of wishful thinking
and the amount of sun in their skin
determines their fortune

lets pretend we arnt the ones carving that future into them

lets pretend that bodies dont walk for miles and miles bounded in chains

lets pretend bodies were not trained to be targets for dogs

lets pretend bodies don't hang, bodies don't float bodies
don't die in vain

lets pretend its all forgotten
no stories told
no lessons learnt
just a casual poem.

I love you, you love me
But maybe we arnt men't to be
But maybe we are
We fight and scream
We always try to make things better
We say things will change but they never do
I'm scared
I'm scared of losing you
Your leaving in one month
for five months
Five Months will seem like a life time
What will happen in those five months
Will you change?
Will I change?
I'm scared
People don't see how much I love you
They always ask why I don't stop
Stop myself from hurting and just throw away the  pain
Then I look at them and say I'm a girlfriend
Of A Military Man i'm strong I can handle this
I can handle anything
But yet when i'm alone I doubt myself
Will I be able to handle these five months?
No matter how much i'm hurting
I'm not ready to say that last goodbye and let go
I love him