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Do you have any idea
How illegal it feels not to be able to cry in your own room?
because being heard is too high of a risk
and instead,
you have to tip toe to the bathroom
careful not to make any of the crying sounds,
Just to get in there
and unconsciously fall on the hard cold ground,
searching for the bit of light
you once saw at the end of the tunnel.


But then you realize
that maybe down there is where you belong,
maybe that's where you were supposed to get to once you felt like all you do is wrong,
and it just feels like the right moment to give up
when there's no more air entering your lungs,
Or no more hope hidden deep into your heart,
when your head can no longer rest on your shoulders,
and it has to fall on the hard wood door,
when the tears streaming down your face are too many than your messy hands and clothes could handle,
and the eyes just hurt too much to be opened by now..


But you have to get up,
You have to calm down,
You have to find a way to make yourself able to breathe normally again,
So you crawl,
And you crawl,
till you reach something that could help you get up,
Only to feel physically hurt by one's actions.


You stare in the mirror,
And question how did we even get here;
You no longer recall or remember any of the things happening outside the room,
When all you have to do is fake smile and move on.
No.
You're just staring at yourself.
And it's just you.
But you right now look more like a monster, a messy unloved piece of art that just reflects how you feel because it's true..
But it's still you.


And it only took you that moment to realize that you had lost...
But not just any game,
you lost the version of yourself you never thought would live again..
And you're empty.
You just feel defeated.
There in the bathroom looking in the mirror.
And it hurts.
It hurts not to be able to look in your eyes,
It hurts even more just when you see you cry.


But you hold on,
And with your trembling hand,
You turn on the water and try to wash your face,
as if the sadness would just come off;
like some messy make up you forgot to whipe off.
So the tears go,
But new ones just reappear,
And the sadness you thought was gone just keeps on hanging near.
And it's close.
And it hits again
with a type of hurt someone only feels when they are too scared to try again.
And it hurts.
It hurts because it's rare.
To still love and not feel like they really care.
Or maybe they do
but you're just too hurt to think
of another 50 ways of how this is not a real thing...


But you're still looking in the mirror,
and you realize you kinda have to go,
because you spent too much time hanging low..
So you whipe all your tears,
and put on a big fake smile,
then crawl back to the door,
But you stop.
you take a big deep breath,
and lift your chin up like you didn't loose yourself in there.


And you open the door.
And try to normally walk into your room
Like your heart isn't shattered into tiny pieces scattered because it just went "boom".
And you get in there,
but you're too afraid to speak
cause even the silence feels too loud when you're just trying to keep,
keep yourself sane
and tell yourself how it's just gonna be ok.


But it's impossible to make yourself think that way
When the only thing you were able to think was just how everything got destroyed in the time of a blink.
Ariannah Aug 3
Wanna know something that hurts ?
It burns me down to the core,
It keeps me awake at night...
It's... a thing I never thought I'd live to hear.
Though.... I think I should've seen it coming..
I mean.. all the signs were there..
I should've expected it..
For ***** sake..  I even thought about it.
It sounds so different when you say it though...
It hurts as much as a twisted knife right in my heart..



I always thought we were inseparable
You know, like the moon and the stars?
Never one without the other..
But now the darkness of the night is too dark for them to shine as bright as they once did..
I always thought you were the love my life, and I was yours too,
Though I'm not so sure about that anymore..
Not because I don't love you, or because I want to leave
You hurt me more than anyone else ever did
So yeah, maybe I don't have a reason to stay
But I feel like, in my heart, I don't want to give this love away..



But... you wanna know something that hurts.. ?
It hurts me more that I don't even know how to put it into words...
You said something.. I never wanted to hear
But the fact that it's true... it just.. makes me wish I was not even here
I want to be somewhere else, somewhere in peace..
Somewhere where I don't have to deal with all this.



But I can't, because I'm here
All thoughts inside my head now circling in a sphere
Voices I can't help since they're the only thing I can perceive.
They hurt me, you know?
They won't ever leave me alone..
But what's worse is what they keep saying
Because it's repeated,
And it makes me cry everytime..
I don't even know how I'm supposed to look in your eye
Now that I how you truly feel about me..
That for you, the spark we had is gone..
That you don't even know how to love me anymore..



Honestly.. what you keep saying
Rises more questions than just explains
But that's not even what's important now,
Because what matters..
Is that it hurts.
It hurts to see that the person you love managed to hurt you with just these words...
Ariannah Aug 2
You gave me just enough to keep me hoping,
hoping that one day, all the allegations my mind has made about you wouldn't turn out to be true.
And so I waited,
I waited just enough to know that this is something I feel like I can't deal with anymore.
But I still stayed.
I stayed because no matter how many times I felt like my heart was broken into tiny pieces
I knew that you had the glue that would stick them back together.
And so I begged
I begged for the kind of love that should've come standard,
I begged for being someone's first choice
I begged..
just to feel loved.
But you held that glue in your hand high enough to make sure I could see it, but I couldn't reach it.
That hurt..
Because that's when I realized that maybe you didn't want me to have it
Maybe it was supposed to be a bait all along...
How you'd show me the slightest amount of love known to human kind and I would go head over heels for it,
How'd you'd make me believe that this time it's really a change, and this is actually getting better just for it to go back to how it was in less than a second..
I saw it all.. and I still decided it was enough to keep me hoping,
But now..?
Now I feel like I don't know what's morally right to do..
Like I have to choose between forgiving or just walking away
But instead, I'm sitting here questioning my inner self like I never wanted to hear an answer this badly before,
Do I keep hoping or do I choose myself and decide that what you showed me wasn't enough to make me stay..?
Ariannah Jul 27
She ruined me,
Just like the light ruins the darkness of the night.
What she did was tore me apart,
Shattered just like broken glass.
A million tears, a million pieces
Remind me only of the way she kisses,
Or kissed..
God, what a love she had missed..
Maybe she just gave it all away..
I'm definitely not the one in power to say
If that's what she always wanted to have,
Or if she needed to leave because it was that bad.
I don't know...
But my energy is running low
I'm always tired, left with just no hope..
I choose to blame love for leaving people broke.
Ariannah Jul 26
You broke me.
But you also left enough space just to keep me hoping
Yes, you broke me.
And I'll never forget the look on your face when I told you I can't keep coping

You ******* broke me.
And it keeps me awake at night
**** it man, it broke me.
Not being able to look in your eye

It broke me.
Always accepting all your excuses
Of course it broke me.
Since all your actions left me with bruises

Did you know the hurt never decreases
The love I gave with my whole heart now shattered into pieces.
And yes, I'm still breaking.
Because a broken heart will forever keep waiting.
Ariannah Jul 25
It just so happens for me and you,
To live in the same universe I'm not sure we belong to.
Life's a blessing they all kept saying
In reality my heart kept praying.

The light in me is flickering,
While your presence's only triggering,
Confusion, fear, distress and anger,
Feelings two people in the same universe can't handle.

And I keep wanting to make a change
But it just so happens to make it all more strange,
Almost like a long lost curse
Spelled upon two people in the same universe.
Ariannah Jul 25
Dancing in the spotlight
Was how I envisioned our love,
Forgetting the steps didn't feel right
So I put you above.

I let myself fall,
Just for you to have it all..
So I had to let myself think
Right step, left step,
Couldn't even get the time to blink
Let alone try to accept
That our dance was rhythmless.

Guess I could say that I got lost
Through all the steps that I was taught,
And all the promises you made
Left me wondering if our dance will slowly fade.

The trainer said "let's not give up"
But my mind would get disrupt,
And flood me all about this thinking
That our dance should just keep shrinking.

So now I come here, just to ask
Was this dance used like a mask?
Just to cover all the mess-
Should I have asked for something less ?
Would I be happier? Would it be better?
If we didn't do the dance together,
Cause I'm sitting here, and I don't know
If it's worth continuing the show..
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