i offered you my weakness
and you comforted me
while getting consumed
by my demons

how could i
hurt you
like this
how could i make you handle
my craziness

i beg you
forgive me
please
forgive me

there’s nothing else i could say
because even an 'i love you'
won’t make you stay

some die
looking for a hand to hold

i got your hand
in mine
and i'm dying
nevertheless

- dear therapist
what does that say
about myself

i like
how space doesn't care
about me

at least
it is impossible
to disappoint
the sun

i would tear off my limbs
crawl in front of you
bow my head
and ask

- what more can i give you

and i would cut out my eyes
find my way to you
bow my head
and ask

- what more can i give you

and i would rip out my heart
serve it on a plate
bow down
and ask

- what more can i give you

no matter what you requested next
you would get it
and if you’d requested my life
i would be the happiest
to give it to you
to give it to the person
who owns
my body
heart and
soul

you got me into it
and i trusted you
i thought i would be fine

but it shattered me
left me in p i e c e s
and i let you break me
time and time again
because i thought it was love
and that you'd keep me sane

when you in fact suffocated me
with the same hands
you'd traced my skin
telling me i was the most beautiful
of all your secret sins

nights are grateful
i live for
this dark and quiet time

maybe
i’m in love with nights because
just as their environment
is inhuman
i am either

night is my time
moist and silent
the only time
i feel safe enough
to let out my thoughts
these crippled beasts
that long for blood

for 2018
i wished so many things
i wished
2018
would bring me joy
would bring me love
would bring me luck
and only during 2018
i understood
that a year
can't bring you
what you wished for

so this 2019
i don't wish the year to bring me something,
i wish myself
to bring it

i wish myself
to bring me a smile
whenever the world feels heavy
i wish myself
to bring me warmth
wherever i'll be at
i wish myself
to bring me love
to give to me first

i wish myself
a year
better than the last was

finding beauty
in something
requires attention
first

but paying attention
is a step
most people
skip

somehow that left me restless
since you told me
i was beautiful
way too thoughtless, way too often
as you could have payed attention

one of the most
ridiculous parts of my existence
is the irony
i feel in my blood
thickening it
as if i have honey in my veins
some hidden sweetness
under this rotting flesh
since i'm technically alive
but secretly craving death

they tell me
people need to belong
somewhere
but they can't tell me
why i don't feel like
i'd belong
anywhere

i guess
i am
too alien for earth,
still
too human for outer space

we kissed
in the rain

and while the raindrops
were stroking my face
together with your fingers
that followed their trace

i felt a love
i’ve never felt before
a love
both so overwhelming
yet so pure