it follows me during the day
quietly resting in the morning
slowly awaking in the afternoon

i take a pill at noon
it takes a nap again

but by the evening
my thoughts are scrambled
my fingertips raw
bleeding from the edges

preoccupied with my thoughts
distant and out of touch

i escape to be alone
but i find myself alone
with the four corners of my mind
and i escape again
to my friends
to my work
to my safe places

but i always find myself alone
with the four corners of my mind

where do i run to now

one time a boy told me he liked my straight hair better
i told him but that's not my natural hair
i felt insulted

and he said "what are you talking about?"
"i'm complimenting you"

i brushed it off
put the thought away

but as i stare in my reflection
as i touch the coarse, thick curls
my mother and father bestowed upon on me
passed down from generations
of mexican ancestry

i felt the hurt
i felt the words in my head
"maybe if your hair was straighter
lighter
maybe if your skin was lighter
maybe if your nose was smaller
and pointed"
maybe then i would be the perfect
version of myself

but as i began to notice
flowers sprouting in the women around me
loving, appreciating their thick untamable manes
my mind began to flourish
away from the deception
i had been told my whole life
a bold lie
that changed the perception of myself
that made me scrub my skin in attempt to make it lighter
a lie, so discreet and so subtle
that my self esteem descended to nothing
when looking at the natural reflection of my skin, my hair, my eyes, my hands

as a child
as a teenager
i believed the lie

but as a young woman now
i can tell you
it's deception, oppression
to keep woman of color
at inferiority to the european white

embrace your curls
embrace your melanin
embrace your wide set hips
embrace all the things you were once told to hide

i will be who i was born to be
and i don't need anyone's opinion
on how my hair looks

this is who i am
a mexican daughter
wise enough to recognize
the strength and beauty in our differences

i fear the death of a loved one more than my own death

i can remember the small moments before hearing of someone's death

i can remember every millisecond

silence
numbness
disbelief

they're saying she killed herself
they're saying she killed herself
they're saying she killed herself

time stops in death

frozen
and
embedded
into my mind
into my life

the mental scars
i carry
a wound that never heals

quisiera olvidarte
quisiera olvidar
tu nombre
y las manos que antes
me acariciaban

todo lo que he hecho
como una tonta
sin nada
por nada
nunca era nada

mis manos llenas de
la tierra
la leña quemada
las cenizas
de un fuego
que antes existía
dominando las colinas

las puntas de mis dedos
quemadas
un dolor extraño

nunca he sentido estos dolores

entierrio las cenizas
con todas las memórias
beso el zacate
verde y rocío

un día crecería
un arbol
lleno del amor
todo el amor
que me han rechazado
tirado, destruido
un arbol
nacido de las cenizas

it feels like it was yesterday
but a yesterday a long time ago
away, sealed up in a dream
i can only faintly remember parts of it
while the rest is a blur

i can’t escape this strange dream
floating by
not truly feeling anything,
just existing

my heart hurts
a hurt that aches endlessly, eating away

it’s the bell jar
the same sour air i breathe

always had an inkling
an inkling to end the thoughts
end the aching

my mind is always racing
from here to there

darting from thought to thought
compulsively

the four corners of my mind
are my worst enemy

i am confined
a prisoner to my thoughts
and my emotions

i press my palms
against the walls
and i push and push
with more force each day
trying to fight for air

but it seems
with more force
the walls begin to crumble
and cave in

until one day
they collapse
and i’m free

no podía comer por días
mi hambre desapareció
cuando tus ojos me despidieron

hay un desierto en mi estómago
vacío
lleno de aire
aire que me ahoga
no me deja hablar
no me deja comer

en la mañana me hice un pan
pan tostado
cafe con leche

me sente en la mesa
la luz cayendo sobre mí
en mis ojos, en mis manos

toque el vaso
estaba caliente
pero no sentía nada

el sol no entraba a mi piel
el calor de la taza tampoco

pálida, llena de aire
respirando

la sangre en mis venas se hizo aire
mi corazón, aire
las manos que antes te tocaban, aire

no se si existo

no se si algun día
la sangre de mis venas regresará

no se si alguna día
el fuego de mi alma, de mi corazón
aderá

quizás un día si
un fuego más grande
más poderoso
ardiendo para mi sola
y nadie más

nacido de las cenizas
como la primera semilla de la primavera

renacido como el ave
quemando, intocable

una nueva vida
sin ti
una nueva vida
por mi

when i become weary
when the storm and the tide
takes me underneath
i return to the surface
with a fresh breath of air

my only escape
has always been my memories
my memories of a lush life
of the snow falling on mountains
sliding down hills with my brother
driving along all the coasts
pacific
atlantic
the gulf of mexico
the beautiful hues of green
dancing across the car window
the sparkling dotted stars
across my the trunk of my father's car
the sandy, cobblestone steps
of all the mexican pyramids
the delicately leathered and gentle
caresses from my grandparents' hands
passing down from generation to generation
their stories and strength

the small moments
give me strength
i will be whole
once again

la primera vez que te vi
sabía que mi vida iba cambiar

cuando toqué el calor de tu piel
y vi la luz en tus ojos
mi alma empezó a llorar

sabía que eras más que podía dominar
y con toda la fuerza de mi alma
dije adios a mi felicidad
y salude al amor
una tortura

unas veces llena de sol
y otras
en el mar, ahogada

pero no hay nada
como la fuerza del mar
algo increíble, un sentimiento
fuera de este mundo

no quisiera morirme de otra

i was sitting in the living room
with my cat, mindlessly watching tv

when a bird crashed into my window
at first i didn’t know what the sound was
until i walked over and saw a small bird
bleeding from its beak, struggling to breathe

i panicked, and started to cry
i didn’t want it to die
but i didn’t know if i could save it

in a minute, i searched online
through a few pages what to do
if it was possible
how to hold it
where to put it

i kept crying

i grabbed a few cloths from a drawer
a large stove ***

i went outside
the bird opening and closing his beak
struggling to breathe
or trying to call for help
without any sound

i grabbed him from his sides
and put him into the large ***
full of cloth
i made sure he was still upright
still responsive

i kept crying
but i told him he’d be alright

other birds in the trees cried out

i went inside
to grab another cloth
but when i returned he had rolled around
onto his back
and died

i pet the soft fur on his breast
felt it go cold

i started sobbing uncontrollably

my brother came home
found me kneeled overe, in tears
he yelled “it’s just a bird! throw it away!”
“what an idiot.”

i couldn’t stop crying

my mother came home
said “oh poor thing” to me
and to the bird

with an ice cream scoop
i dug at the dirt in the yard
wide enough, deep enough
for my little bird

i buried it amongst colorful leaves
encircled it with pebbles
and said a prayer

then i went upstairs
and cried myself to sleep

its 2:36am

i ran out of my pills yesterday
took the last of 40 with my water
on a saturday morning

sunday
i wake up and lay

i stare at the ceiling for an hour
i fall asleep for another 4

when i awake
i feel empty
and emotionless

i lay in bed for 2 more hours

i finally leave my bed
and run a bath

i lay in the bath in silence
for 1 hour

thinking about nothing
thinking so much

i do my bed
wash the dishes

my chest feels hallow
my hands feel cold

the rest of the day is a daze
an apathetic blur

now i lay awake
at 2:46am
with a pain between my eyes
and a million thoughts in my head

its a 6 sided cube
sharp on the edges
versatile and wide

the desire and need to speak
to silence the quiet underneath

its the listening
doing more listening than talking
to distract my mind

its all the love i give
spread amongst all i meet
hoping to shine a light on a soul
even if i can't shine a light on my own

its the need for attention
reassurance that i'm okay and worthy
of this life

its the dreams of a better day
and a new tomorrow
to start my life fresh
shining and positive

but

its the nightmares
recurring and graphic

its the grinding of teeth
my aching jaw in the morning

its all the emotional trauma i carry
scarred into the folds of my brain
bad habits embedded into my mind
that i'm not sure i can break

its the
fighting fighting fighting
crying screaming
suicide

6 sides cut into endless pieces
always switching rotating moving

happy
sad
angry

exhausting to breathe
exhausting to think

i was not protected safely in my mother’s womb for 9 months to be treated this way
i was not raised by two parents who love me dearly to be treated this way
i was not held by friends who wiped away my tears to be treated this way
*******
*******
i was not born to help you grow up
i am not here to help you mature or to show you the way
**** your *******
i’m tired of being stepped on for male growth
you will not mature at my expense
take your **** and **** elsewhere
my destiny does not align with yours, as much as your possessiveness believes to be true
i may have given myself to you for a mere second
but this is only a year amidst many, baby
and if you can’t take it on your own
then goodbye and farewell
i bid you adieu
good luck with your ****
good luck finding someone to wipe your *** for the rest of your life

siempre les digo a todos
que los amo

porque nunca sabes
cuando el día llegara
que su voz se va
y su sonrisa se hace
una memoría
de alguien que un día existio

scribbles and lines
scribbles lines
my nightmares always scribbles and lines
million of thoughts into scribbles and lines
what if i left school
what if i started a new life
what if i shot myself dead
would it be quiet then
scribbles and lines
scribbles lines

i am glowing
shining
warm and happy
the happiest

a facade
a facade

my skin crawls
my bones ache
my mind numb
with too many thoughts

my flesh has begun to rot

a foul smell
that only my nose
can detect

making myself dizzy

i am alive
i am the happiest

every last bit of me
into a facade

making darkness
into light

I'm an alchemist

every sunday me and my family
would take a trip to san diego
a 3 hour car ride there
a 1 hr and half car ride back
it would start off pleasant
with the excitement to see my cousins
i would listen to music quietly
with my headphones and stare out the window
all the hedges and trees disappearing by
all those beautiful hues of green

i remember one sunday in particular
as the day turned to night
my dad hit my mom
a quick punch to her left temple

i remember screaming and crying
with my brother in the backseat

and as we both cried softly in the backseat
as my parents continued to fight
we would stare outside the window
for that 1 hr and a half
and dream of a better life

and it was like this every sunday
an 1 hr and half trapped with two people
that were supposedly in love

a quiet room
a million voices

the music stops

my mind races

sharp metal blades
glistening and clanging
dancing in my head

cars, passing by
one two three four
hues of red and white
dancing in my head

fragile and coarse
the fibers of a rope
dancing in my head

a beautiful view
a skyline shining bright
glimmering and gleaming
dancing in my head

what if
what if

the dance never ends

las nubes me saludan
y la lluvia me besa

do i love you?

because you make me feel warm
bring me happiness
and light to my life

or do i love you
because i don't love myself
because you're familiar
because i can't stand being alone
with all the thoughts in my head

do i really love you

gracias a dios
gracias a la tierra
gracias al color de mi piel
gracias a la educación
gracias a mis amigos
gracias a la familia
gracias a la muerte de la ignorancia

la vida es hermosura
facil es ver la vida oscura
y la humanidad

la tristeza
y el odio
nunca vivirá en mi

se que el mundo es fatal
reconozco la humanidad

pero entre el oscurecer se que hay luz
la luz en el amor
entre los abrazos, entre las sonrisas
entre el éxito, entre el trabajo
entre toda las corrientes de la vida

estoy triste ahora pero no vive en mi
tengo fe, siempre tengo fe

it's hard when my legs tense
tense and twist and turn
i shake it off
i stretch
but my insides scream
sometimes i'm afraid that others can hear my insides begging to be free
sometimes i wonder if they can see my trembling body
and quivering eyes
i do my best
i play the part
inside the screaming never stops
never
never
never
never
stops
will never stop
they were silent for a while
but my body laughs at the small pill i take everyday now
my brain is broken
the folds the neurons the cells
do their best to keep me alive
just to have my own knees and last breath
begging to die

each year i knew you, you would grow an inch or two
before i knew it you were stretched out
130 lbs? 5'10?
i forget
skin bones and flesh

somehow we gravitated toward each other
we recognized one another in our auras
maybe
you were the first friend
i could openly talk to about my sickness
and you could talk to me about yours

you fell in love with me
thinking your love could save me
any positive emotion you felt
you channeled to me
but i didn't see you that way
i knew too much about you

one day i had an anxiety attack
you walked almost 2 miles to see me
you didn't have a car then
you sat with me in silence
while i softly cried
until i could fall asleep
and you would walk 2 miles back to your place

in that moment i felt embarrassed
for the first time someone had seen a side of me i kept in control so well
my anxiety irrationally concluded you would think low of me
would never talk to me again
so it deceived me into pushing you away
after that day i ignored or brushed off your calls
your texts
your attempts to see me

a few months later you completely blocked me from your life
and 2 years later you still have that wonderful girlfriend you found
and i can honestly say i'm happy for you
she seems beautiful, nice, lovely, and sane

i'm going insane again

what do i do

my anxiety rested well for three months

her hibernation in the fall has ceased

and the voices that ******* me have returned

whenever i feel as if i have defeated her, she welcomes me with open arms again

my life has been a constant battle

i think i'll let her win

a fragmented illusion built from the schemas of my mind
every possibility, problem resolved
a beautiful home
constructed ever so carefully

until one day it ignites
and suddenly the beautiful home i built
burns to the ground
and leaves me with ashes

why do all my relationships fail
i used to think it was them
i used to call my friends and place the blame
i used to cry and ask why men are this way

but then it all crashed down
so suddenly it was all thrown in my face
maybe it wasn’t them

i try to run away from the reality
i cover it up with “i don’t knows”
i laugh and forget and start again

but i remember
i remember the days i would cry myself to sleep
as a little girl
every morning and every night
i would hear the fighting and screams
my mom would throw books cds shoes
scream and cry scream and cry
my dad would chase her out the door
shout and curse shout and curse

my older brother would come into my room
and i would hold him tight
and caress his head
“it’ll be alright”

after a few minutes
few hours
the noise would cease
and the house would fall quiet

my mom would find her way to my room
and i would hold her tight
she begged to know why life was like this
why my father was like this

every fight she looked into my eyes
she became quiet
and said i reminded her of my father
and asked why

after my father would find his way to my room
sit on my bed
lean his head back against the wall
look up at the ceiling
and ask why
why we were like this
why we feel this way

then after it all
everyone would be okay
quiet and resolved
forgiven and forgotten
ready to start another day

and i would close the door to my room
finally
gently tuck myself under my blankets
and cry until my insides felt empty
until the sun rose
until the start of a new day
a new fight

i once had a teacher named jillian
she was in her 30s
a sweet, positive angel
a wise and encouraging photo teacher
on march 2nd
she tied a noose to the classroom ceiling
and hung herself
within a few hours she was pronounced dead
an advocate against suicide
an advocate to end stigma against depression and anxiety
she told us her dad got a gun
and shot himself in the head
she never wanted us to feel alone
to feel that life was a dead end
she never wanted us to follow her father's footsteps
but she did
and i sit in bed 3 years later
wondering if i will suffer my whole life like my father
or debating if should
take this
knife
to my
wrist
deep and
wide
and
quiet
my
mind

the facade that i'm a cheery, happy squirrel
is tired
i carefully began to build myself a persona the day i knew i wasn't okay
i took the energy from my rare manic episodes and made it a habit to try and always be that way
my facade portrayed me as always positive, always happy
"i love life! i love myself! wow!"
the frantic energy i could muster up
confused my thoughts even more
in trying to keep up the positivity,
nothing else made sense to me
i have to concentrate twice as hard or else it will all fall apart

well decades later the facade is becoming transparent
or maybe i'm just exhausted
i'm not this cheery, happy squirrel
i actually wish everyday i was dead
now i need a pill to give me half the energy  i need to
be okay

tonight i am quiet

my heart is quiet
my spirit is quiet
my mind is quiet

i am empty
spilled over like broken glass

there is nothing here

no more tears
no more hurt

tonight i am quiet

emotionless
faintly existing

quiet

i would rather be in tears
than be quiet

my teeth are raw and quivering
now that i'm awake the grinding has stopped
my heart is racing my
mind faster
my stomach is twisting
hallow but twisting
i want to purge
it's 4am and my nightmares have woken me up again
i'm shaking
and
crying
my nightmares are another reality
so real and so vivid
fear built from nothing
fear that spills into my daily life
how do i ease my thoughts
how do i stop them

my
dad would wake up in the middle of the night
at 4am
i would hear his footsteps and wake up too
i remember being 7 years old
wondering if he was okay
i would wake up
with just a feeling
he wasn't
i would tiptoe down the stairs
and ask him why he was up
he would look at me and faintly smile
"sometimes i can't sleep"
"me too"
"we're the same"
"i know"
some months i would have a nightmare a day
some months none
some nights i could find my dad downstairs

i’m drunk
the room spins delightfully
i feel numb
i’m angry but hopeful for a better tomorrow
always wishing for tomorrow
brenton wood and nat king cole soothe my nerves, ease me into a deeper numbness
soon i’ll wake up
and it’ll all be over
perhaps i’ll regret it
but it’ll all be true
the numbness eases the mind and brings a side i can’t see
it’s all true

when he says dance
i dance

when he says jump
i jump
i leap
i fall
i hurt

i follow
everything
all for him

a beautiful home
on a beautiful suburban street
a cul de sac lined with 13 beautiful homes

two stories and white
a perfectly maintained garden on each side
a vast front yard, each blade of grass cut fine
a driveway, lined with expensive cars
a pathway, paved with adobe tile
a window, looking directly into the home
a painting, a couch, a television

and upstairs
a girl
a young daughter
with her curly hair *******
in her bed
home alone
dreaming of the day she dies

la forma de tus labios
cautivada
esos bonitos dedos
tan preciosos
tus labios
como la azúcar que mi cuerpo necesita
el sudor y la saliva será la agua que me alivia
ese precioso río que me arrebata
toda la angustia para conocer esos labios

i feel too much
of everything

i can feel the sadness in voices
i can feel the pain in the wounds

i am engulfed by auras
energies
every tear every touch
overwhelms

i am too much of everyone
everything
with no space or room
for myself

i become smaller and smaller
the older i get
i feel too much

i can still hear your voice in my head
and your small, cheerful laugh

a fantasy that once was
we only exist as strangers now
it's bittersweet

i'm not sure i'll ever find
someone like you again

fragile as a leaf
porcelain skin

press unto me
and i will bleed

my figure on the horizon
pleading for a sunset to
paint my skies milky white

if it weren't for my mother
me my brother my father
would probably be lost
or broken or dead
if it weren't for my mother's
unconditional, persistent love
i would be dead
i have been spoiled with love
my mother has dedicated her life
made it her mission
to make us feel sane
and for that she is a saint
i'm sorry we're all so ****** up
i'm sorry we don't know how to express
our love
without you
it would all fall apart
you know that and we know that
you have taught me to give all my love to others
110% of what i have
to make up for what they might not

but i am a broken
unlike you
that 110% is all i got
and once it's given
i'm left hallow
carved dry
starved
left to die

that stupid saying
how does it
go
if he loves you, he’ll try
if he likes you, he’ll call
if he likes you, he’ll make an effort
why do women analyze this **** so much
why do women spend their days, brunches, dinners, date nights analyzing every single detail of their relationships
i was once one of these women
oh
maybe it means THIS
maybe it means THAT
if a man is ******, he’s ******
sure he’s conflicted, holding onto trauma from years past that’s making him act like an *******
but that’s no excuse to deal with someone ******
tell that ******* to see a therapist and find yourself a man that makes it clear the way he feels about you
simple
resolved
no more days, brunches, dinners, date nights wasted

i wish i could balance the serotonin in my brain
i wish i could fix the receptors the cells the nerve endings
that have all been ****** up
since the day i was born
i wish i could study my own brain in an attempt
to understand myself better
all my thoughts are compulsive, inevitable
it’s been one day without my lexapro
who knew 10mg of an antidepressant could really make a difference
i felt lively, happy, free in the early morning
i laughed and giggled at every little thing
my thoughts jumbled and a little delirious
but my skin tingled with joy
and for absolutely no reason
i knew the joy would subside
i could feel the rush of happiness and recognize it was only temporary
everything that comes up must come down
and it did
as soon as i closed my eyes softly to sleep
a light turned off
my happy deliriousness descended into depression
i lay in bed for a couple hours
staring into nothing
thinking about nothing
and the quiet depression descended into graphic imagery of my own death
my daydreams in the dark became full of loaded guns, ropes hanging from trees
my own mind betraying me
telling me i was not loved, i should not exist
and then i sat up
and began to write this
anything to stop thinking about a gun to my head

i would rather die die die die die
than be alone

ready to burst into flames
the wretched fear resides quietly
until the threat comes alive
**** me **** me **** me
it says

my mania rises
latches onto anything it finds
she’s a crazy girl they’ve said
she’s not right in the head they’ve said
what’s going on in there? they’ve said

my mania subsides

i pull and pull and take until there is nothing to take
then i bid a kiss farewell
taking that blissful illness and flame in my hands
until it rebirths again

you told me once to not give people the benefit of the doubt
that people are not the way they seem, that people take advantage of you
i, naive, pushed it away and believed it untrue
but slowly and slowly i have seen the truth
reflected in the actions of none others but yours
perhaps the only reason you know deceit when you see it is because you’re so **** deceitful
do you even see?
i’ve waited months and months
do you even see?
you don’t and you never will
but i see
and you were right
people are not the way they seem

please don't yell at me
please don't be aggressive with me
please don't raise your voice

please don't bring back these awful memories
please don't remind me
please don't open the scars within my mind
please don't cut the canyons deeper

i've kept them locked for so long
hidden and quiet
for many years

my insanity is a symptom bred and born from the wounds
my insanity is a plea for help
will you please

am i divine
am i saint
or am i the devil in disguise
a satan
my mind’s favorite game
the foreword to my demise

the ego and the id
persuade me
manifest themselves
into my reality

my subconscious presents itself
to others
but hides from me

in the silence and solitude
the ego and the id
berate
manipulate

my mind’s favorite game to play
living in a state of eternal perplexity

i could cry
but instead i feel empty inside
i know
what it’s like
to be on the other side
i know
what it’s like
to have that flinch
that millisecond of pain
i know
what it’s like
to brush it off
to push it away
to look forward to other days

do i light this cigarette
do i pour the gas and start a flame
do i run a bath
do i run away
do i plan my death
do i plan yours
do i pick up the phone and call
do i take a leap off this pier
do i plan a coffee date
do i plan my whole life away
do i dance
do i cry
do i change my name
do i leave the state
do i start a new life
do i forget
do i remember