We stood together as brothers in arms.
Our side was small, both in stature and numbers.
Fighting daily battles, we knew the war was lost.
The tattered battlefield was a living room carpet.
We received no weapons, but our enemy did.
Armed with wooden spoons and open palms.
We retaliated with tears and with silent obedience.
The yelling in the house echoed like explosions.
In that grey one-story house, my siblings and I.
We stood together as brothers in arms.

I find myself saying "I wanna go home" a lot. But what do I mean by that? Cause I'm not talking about the home where I mix my flowing tears with the flowing water from the shower, or where I pray my headphones are charged so I can block out the loud arguments.

I'm talking about the home where I run into my dad's arms again when he gets home from work, where I can beg my mom to read me a story as I fall asleep, where I can laugh and not worry about how I'm gonna make it through tomorrow.

But that's impossible. I can't go back to where times were okay. I can't go back to where I felt okay. Because im here now. I'm here with the loud voices telling me to quit. I'm here with the laughter after I take the wrong step. I'm here where I would rather do anything but look at my dad.

I'm not home, I'm nowhere near it. But instead of saying that, I'll just tell myself one more time that I want to go home.

Even though I will never make it back home.

In the distance
A light began to shine
Sitting on the porch
We waited curiously

A soft tap was heard
The tapping grew louder
As we exchanged glances
A lady’s voice called out to us

“Stop it” She yelled.

In the distance
The light grew brighter and hungrier
As quick as an engine roared to start
The roar just as quickly, came to a halt

Frustrated murmurs
Fists against glass
He wanted his keys
Leave her alone, please

I imagined the stench of his whiskey stained breath
As possible scenarios invaded my head
Was she safe? Was he drunk?

I asked these questions out loud
But I don’t remember any answers
Searching for them myself
I stumbled closer to the sound

Now she was screaming.
Don’t hurt me
Please don’t hurt me
There’s a baby

I had to help her.

Running back towards the group
No memory of talking to them
I’m sure that I did
I only remember

Gritting my teeth
Closing my eyes
Covering my ears
Trying to block out the sound

Her screams and cries for help
Slowly morphed and twisted
Into my brothers voice
His six year old voice

The tapping on the window
Became the rattling of a bunk bed
The woman’s screams and yelling
Became my baby brothers cries for help

I’ve gone backwards.
10 years.

It’s been three days since
I heard her yell
And three days since
his screams began

It’s been three hours since
I took the pill bottle
And three hours since
I put it down again

is it too soon, to hope this is true
can I say it now, and share my new view
fogs are lifting and hope is back
the sun will come out and get us on track
if all goes well and unity returns
democracy will follow around the next turn
arguments and yelling will soon be replaced
kindness and friendship should return in great haste
looking forward to the change in the world we all know
go out there and help this new message to grow.....

Brian Hill - 2020 # 307

are you
going to
apologise
for yelling at me
for  no given reason
or
am i just
to suppress the
tears and
are we to
act as if nothing happened?
am i supposed to be
okay?