i am nothing.
don't say i'm not
because i know the truth
the mirror is my proof.

i can't look at myself
straight in the eyes
because it breaks my heart
to see all of the nothing they hide.

i used to be fine
i swear it's true!
but now i'm very much not.
you can tell if you listen to my thoughts.

i
am
nothing.

i use pain
to relieve my pain
and it's all my fault
that i have nothing left to gain.

i am worthless.
i fake my smiles
i fake being okay
i'm faking, all day.

who even wants
someone like me?
there's likely a mistake
when each day i wake.

i don't deserve
to be alright
i deserve to be alone
every single night.

i
am
nothing.

i hurt so i can be okay
but it hurts.
it hurts to hurt more.
it hurts me to the core.

i

deserve

to

be

**nothing

A step forward, a hundred back
with these type of flow, can I turn it back?
The time I spent wastin'
on all the things that amounted to nothin'

If given the chance to redo everything
Would I be able to make the right choices?
or Will I end up being with the current me?

would walking down that path again
also amount to nothing?
or will it bear fruit to something?

Something that might give hope to the me
who felt like I have lost sight of what's in it for me

when will the rocket white noise end their sound
and all that got thrown  up come crashing down
when will i get some sleep at night!
i beat my head to dull the noise just like i beat my wife-
-******* dreams
******* dreams
the sound of the nose-pain bleeds
******* dreams
******* dreams
"shut the hell up girl, I'm trying to sleep!"-
watching memories
fading elegies
grey smoke drifting from throat capturing common greens,
floating entrance fees
shaken masterpiece
master of my home mastered by the firm grip of the enemy
demonic force chain to the pentagram imprinted on my shattered knees-
chain smoking crack to the rhythm of grandma's record sheets!
gun to my temple to help the war and his buddies flee-
when will my mind empty itself of me-

to try and stop the bleeding in my vessels
we wait for the pressure
our pounding bit of pressure-
you sit there doubtful
every smile's a lie
all you are is crumbling inside-
reaching for the cabinet doors
spinning- hoping that stopping will leave you cold on the floor
all the tile is still keeping you warm
going down is a pain, but with a happy reward
oh, the drugs never have a plan to restore-

-dad why'd you have to go
why'd you have to leave me here alone;
i know you watch me here below,
what will happen if i let this page close
-gunshot, blood stained escape way
through the lead through the head space trade
open wide for eyes to see through the hole made
dead daughter on the counter with eyes wide awake-

momma calling son
"useless waist of taken up space-
not worth the cost of my thoughts on your unseen face
disgraceful to me, wish you weren't my son
wish i went to med school and didn't sell out so young
should've never listened to your daddy's song
telling me to pack my bags and cuddle up in his arms - wrong!
never should've
could've could've
maybe i would've
maybe i will
maybe i am
i am
i am more than a woman attached to a man
more than a mom attached to a hand
more than a ring wrapped, a wedding band
more than cable, dishes, pots and pans
more than a ceremony anniversary plan-
i am
i am
i'm gone"-

son go waist away somewhere where my eyes don't have to be glued
to the scene as life takes yours away from you, leaving you dead and blue-
you're already dead to me, so go die somewhere out of my view
and bury your own body, i wont waste my money on that, i refuse.


-it seems as if my heart laid heavy with messages of missing families,
missing homes
missing hopes,
Christlike lovers with smiles on picture frames leaving holes
where they were meant to never leave, never left alone
yet moms walk out on families like this is the time to take a stand for what they own
yet dads think that they could get away with abusing their kids, maybe those bruises would never show
and maybe kids wont think much of living in two houses with two separate phones
two different schools, new friends, old friends, divided in somber tones-
"just do it for the kids, honey
they deserve more than me or you know
let's do what they all do
fake a smile
fake a frame
fake a while
fake our names
pictures on Christmas will still look the same"
"and once their gone?"
"we can burst into flames"
thinking that the kids don't notice
the long fights
the late lights
the long talks
the late walks
the long drives
the late lies
the bright screens
the loud screams
the doors slam
the house stamp
the long sobs
the long jobs
the moving boxes
the missing pictures
the blood on moms dress
the couch blankets
the magazines
the hidden lingerie
the missed calls
the bottles of wine in the back seat of the mini van
the adjusted seats
the drunken steps
the fake parents-
the fake lovers-

teach them about Jesus
"make sure to teach them about Jesus, ***!"
just as long as they don't see us
"hide the masks, they might not believe us, ***!"
tell them not to lie
tell them not to curse!
What's worse!
me saying a ***** word!
or hearing you say "i hate that stupid *****" then finding blood on her shirt!
make sure that you don't miss church!
because being perfect includes calling your kids worthless and letting every moment burn!
and we burn for this
too many drinks and dad becomes an alcoholic
watching me beaten trying to know the pounds and then call it,
betting with my brother on how long till i become black
falling on the wooden floors just after he breaks my back-
my dad was a pastor-
and how many more families will i watch fall apart
before someone gets a grip that you lose more than you are-
before someone figures that it's not worth all the pain,
not worth going days without seeing your daughter's face-
will we still love our sin
or will our families get more than the scraps from last nights affair-

-when will God be our source and not our self medicated needs
when will we stop being overcome by defeat-

A battle always fought
To my heart's content I lost
My brain would rejoice in defeat
I would gather strength to retreat

Divided, I fight
In a pitiful plight
That no one even cares
Not a single cheer you will hear

Like a jester I joke
About my caustic yoke
I make light out of the matter
And every one replies with laughter

Proud of my achievement
I wail in disappointment
But still smiling I weep
For this to myself I keep

My last hope shattered
No where to be found
Like tattered cloth i'm worthless
Just some *** lying around

Clenching my face
I don't know what to do
I can't do anything
To stop this wound

Like migraine I kneel
Pray to stop the pain
A wall was my answer
Streaming blood my gain

Tired I lie
On the ground while I weep
But laughing comes life
With a deal that I must keep

To forever wander
In this forsaken world forever
To bear burden for no one
And cower in fear of others

Hopeless I accept
the terms and agreement
To lock myself forever
In this caustic life of terror

The moon told me stories,
and I left to find them.

I won't come back.
Moonlight has brought me far
and I've lost too much to turn around.

Yet, even the moon says I'm not
good enough to find its treasured stories.

Not earth not sky saw me
the way I dreamed they would.

the way I dreamed I could be seen.
O what a dream.
And it was but that. A dream.

My life is worthless,
I don't have a single petal
to add to this garden
of darling scarlet roses.
I have nothing to give,
everything is dying
in my grasp
and soon my soul will be fleeing
my life to wither away
and never come back.

Stacking a thousand ladders over one another and piling dozens of chairs
You still cant touch the moon
You can only dream under it
But the view from up here is closer than before and farther from the ground
The air is colder up here
And you feel more free
And you are legitimately over those who walk
And you realize that the only reason you feel free is because you feel you have the choice.
The choice
To let go of these railings
And the realization that you are in control of your life
That nothing's holding you down there
That nothing's holding you up here
But the will to hold on to life
Or to let
Go

I have never felt more worthless,
Than on days when you take my hand and you ask me what's wrong

Maybe it's because of the way your eyes glaze over.
Shifting to a spot slightly over my shoulder
One that I'm sure is filled with more beauty than you see in me
The sound of my voice becoming white noise
Making way for a symphony of colours within your mind

Maybe it's the way your shoulders slump slightly.
Trying to carry my weight is too much for you
Don't worry, I'll take it back when you're asleep later
I've gotten used to carrying enough for the both of us

Maybe it's the way your grip on my hand slacks.
Are you scared you'll break me if you hold me?
Are you scared I'll break you?

I've recently noticed a shift
It's like we're magnets, you gravitate upwards and you're always glowing
And I've learnt to hold my tongue

Sometimes I want to die;
But the saddest part is,
I'm not afraid of those thoughts
Anymore.