In the midst of our passion,
I tried to make you show your hand.
You were losing your poker face,
I thought your inhibitions were gone.

But when I said “tell me what you want”
You replied “for you to be happy and healthy”.

And that shattered the dam.
The wall that held back the sea splintered.
And I let you see me drown in my pain.

I told you how letting you gorge on me
Made me the kind of sad I could control.
It was a shallow kind of sad, one that could be fixed with scotch tape.
I ripped the adhesive off  of the shallow sad
When the deep dark sad became too much.

I told you how letting you gorge on me
Made me feel useful, even if it validated everything he told me.
I don’t care that my body is nothing more than something to be ******,
At least I’m doing my friend a favor.

So even if I can’t be happy and healthy right now,
And even if you know that,
At least we can see each other for what we are
As I let you feed his desires for me,
And you let me feed my desire for pain.

It's all open through
without leaving a gap.
Got the meat in the curve.

I don’t want to smile
I don’t want to laugh
Because you are no more with me and without you all smiles are lifeless

I don’t want to drive
I don’t want to listen to music
Because you are not with me and I scared that every song that I will listen to, will remind me of you

I don’t want to talk to people
I don’t want to make new friends
Because you are not with me and I am scared that they too will leave me like you..

I don’t want to travel
I don’t want to go places
Because you are not with me and I am scared of replacing your memories with new ones

I don’t want to drink coffee
I don’t want to make that cold brew anymore
Because without your company, no amount of caffeine can give me a kick

Not sure why, without you nothing seems to be right, nothing seems to be good.

We fight to stay afloat
Standing in a boat called life
Only able to leave behind a note
Scarred from the cuts of a knife

Once they said to me:
Life will only become harder
Beyond comfort is a never ending sea
Swayed back and forth; pushed out farther

Drowning and then saved
A repetitive vicious cycle
Wanted then no longer craved
But surviving this life is crucially vital

We all try to go with the flow
Pressured but never forced
Just trained to believe we know
Our minds taken never endorsed.

So you know who you are
It doesn't mean you have your **** together
Just because you carry an umbrella doesnt mean you know the weather
You're not the designer just because you bought the sweater
Smothering an animal doesn't automatically make it leather
Besides, there are other things that die under pressure
So whatever
Just because you read a book once doesn't make you the author
You're not a sail boat just because you can float in water
Not fitting in doesn't mean you're from mars
Just like e-cigarette smoke doesn't turn it into cigars
Having a map doesn't mean you know where you are
They said you're bright
You're not a star
You don't have your **** together
You just know who you are