15/F I hope I can create something that matters. I hope I’ll be able to help someone heal or cope with the things I need to heal from and cope with. But most of all, I just want to stop hiding from myself, and I’m glad you all will be able to see it. 23 followers / 993 words
I wish I didn’t have to get better. I wish I didn’t have anything to get better from. I wish I could want it all to end.
But I don’t. I love and I feel and I scream and I sob, And deep down I want all of that. But right now it hurts so bad. The deep dark sad has enveloped me like gasoline, And I’m going to ******* burn everything that dares to get too close.
In the midst of our passion, I tried to make you show your hand. You were losing your poker face, I thought your inhibitions were gone.
But when I said “tell me what you want” You replied “for you to be happy and healthy”.
And that shattered the dam. The wall that held back the sea splintered. And I let you see me drown in my pain.
I told you how letting you gorge on me Made me the kind of sad I could control. It was a shallow kind of sad, one that could be fixed with scotch tape. I ripped the adhesive off of the shallow sad When the deep dark sad became too much.
I told you how letting you gorge on me Made me feel useful, even if it validated everything he told me. I don’t care that my body is nothing more than something to be ******, At least I’m doing my friend a favor.
So even if I can’t be happy and healthy right now, And even if you know that, At least we can see each other for what we are As I let you feed his desires for me, And you let me feed my desire for pain.