I cannot seem to think on my own.
People think for me and I feel alone.
But without them I would not be around.
I hear a voice in the background.
I say background but do I mean it?
I don't, its probably just another memory slip.
Wait, I do mean it.
But instead, it's all in my head.
My best friend is my bed.
I gotta get in the booth and get emotions recorded.

Everything is distorted.
Things start to move.
I become someone else.
A new person. A new identity.
New everything.  
The whole works. I wish i was dead.
They tell me it's in my head.
I'm gonna survive. I know it look like I'm being lazy.
I promise I'm trying, my head is crazy.
I know I'm not but they don't.
And I know they won't.
When episodes occur,
I just lay in bed,
Still staying in my head.
I do nothing but pick it back up.
Whether it be crystal or my double cup.
My person calls this
Type of cycle insanity.
I love her, my family, she is all I have.
Without the love,
I would be gone.
Without the love,
There would be no me.
I need her just as much
As she needs me.
Without the love,
I do not thrive.
Without the love,
I will not survive.
Without the love,
You can push and shove
And not get anywhere.
I'm so lost in my head,
I don't even know my own way out.
I only know the way to my bed.
Momma knows best as I lay my head to rest.

A shared cigarette
like a pirouette
spinning through my mind
a kiss, a touching of hands,
Rosy cheeks and a quick
stammering of words.
Brought with spark
and gone too soon
Like a shared cigarette

Whisper vices in your ear
While I paint you in virtues
There you are, my poison apple
Shining with a red of bloodiest hues

This heart is graceless and vile
Stricken with an archaic smile
I missed this life, by a mile
To search for morale
To defile

The sins of the past
So sternly, they last
My downfall was fast
In a chasm
Too vast

I stop and can't start
I bartered for my heart
And now, as I part:
I summoned my conscience
And, tore it apart

I gave up my dreams
For closely-knit schemes
It's just as it seems
My morals are waning
In sputtering gleams

What lie had I told?
Pretending I'm bold
I have no heart of gold
With no sense of purpose
My heartstrings unfold

My head is unkind
I'm losing my mind
What vice, I've inclined
I wander through majestic stages
But still, I am blind...

Everyone! Everybody!
If you all could shut the hell up
For a just one sec,
I like to propose a toast.

I’m the designated driver to my friends
when they can’t make it home
I’m everybody’s therapist
really good to talk to
without questions or judgement.
I’m the priest you confess your sins to
because you’re desperate for forgiveness
or afraid to have a one-on-one with God.
I’m often asked how I’m so lit
without any refreshments.

I’m clear as *****.
I don’t need anything extra
to tell the truth
to have a good time
to say yes or no.

I can dance my *** off
and remember last night was dope.
The morning after
I grab my bottle of *****
drinking my issues, blessings, and my fun.
Sweet as honey going down.

So, if you think I’m lame
*******.
I’m actually quite the energy ball.
If you think I’m better than you
get your head out of your ***.
At least I don’t act like a fool.
You think I can’t hang with you.
No. Don’t get the **** twisted;
You can’t hang with me
if shrinking your liver
And burning your lungs like paper
is the only thing on your agenda.

I know you have cancer.
I have cancer too.
We all have it.
And it *****.

So we take our meds
to treat the symptoms;
to feel better
to feel like we’re one step closer
to curing the illness
To feel like everything is going to be alright
even when it’s not gonna be.

The difference between you and me
is that I take the shots
the bartender AKA life
pours into my glass.
I drink
and it’s sweet as honey going down.
Clear as *****.

But please! By all means,
drink what’s in your glass.
Light that **** up.
Just leave me
and my tall bottle of ***** alone.

Because I am about to get
shaken and stirred
until I fall the **** out.

Cheers!

No, the drinking ain’t a social thing
The silence has been defining
So press my mind just like a bell rings
We’ll see what the hell that all brings
Cram another dose into the schedule
Right up until it’s consumed my soul
Stuff my mouth, ‘til I’m a painful full
All syllables, the argument’s controlled

The taste is fun and it all sounds sweet
It coats my nightmares with bright dreams
I can choose to become a story
But all pages can be left burning
The future is blank with a purpose
No one truly knows what comes next
I’ve got less worth, but I’m not worthless
Even when we’re getting close to it

deeper the despair,
more fair the cries,
darker the thoughts,
brighter the light.