I think the moments I feel most alone are within the first few hours of his departure.
The house filthy scattered with the whirlwind of our being
The smell of him lingering in my bed
The feeling of his lips still on mine
The memory of his laugh bouncing around my mind
Those moments directly after feeling whole
After feeling the intensity of his presence
The silence is almost deafening
The vast emptiness left in his wake rocks me to my core
Silence
I'm so desperate to fill the room with noise
To destroy the silence
Music
TV
Running water
Anything to not feel the crushing weight of it all
Nothing touches it
Nothing cracks
I'm alone
I remember thinking it made you weak to regard someone the way I do him
To be surrounded by people and yet feel alone without him
To desperately count the day until I see him again
The way I pathetically wait on his response to inane questions
Wondering if his soul aches for mine, if he feels the way I do
In the end it doesn't matter if he feels exactly the way I do
I am whole with him
Love always presents with uncertainty, fragility, and a touch of modesty
The knowledge of fleeting love keeps you uncertain
The ending of other relationships reminds you of its fragility
The urge to protect your pride keeps you modest, afraid to boast
This is not love, its more
It is being complete
It is friendship
It is trust
It is us.
Four poems that, like me, don't feel right alone.
