I don't even know who I was even meant to be
The only part of me they know is what they have seen
Help me, I can't figure it out
I'm desperate, I don't even know what my life is about
I'm trying to describe it but I don't know how
How will I explain to my kids about the future now
What have I done?
Who have I even become??
I can't keep lying to myself
I can't keep pretending
Because who I really am
Is on who I'm depending
All these fulfillments
And all these "distractions"
But still feeling empty
As if there were a hole in my heart

And it's tearing me apart...

Am I suppose to accept who I've become?
Or try to find that young innocent me
And discover where I am from??

I'm tired of all of it
I'm just ready to give up |

Gal?
Pal?
Wait, what now?
How?

Bound to get some questions from this, some hate; a backlash. The funny side of this is my middle name can basically be a backslash.

Some will say I don't have to mention.
Others will say I'm doing it for attention.

I'm doing it because I don't know.
I'm putting my confusion fully on show.
Whoohoo! Yippie! Let's go!

I don't have to be shy.
So what? Sometimes, I feel pretty much, like a guy
Perhaps, the majority will stigmatise.
For you see, my gender does not fit into a pretty little box, at least not in society’s eyes

My mind is stuck between the everlasting feelings of admiration and the cold wonder of hesitation
What is going on with me?
The feelings that I used to trust so much have become nothing but mere suggestions and a hunch
What is going on with me?

It should just be so simple
To recognize and act on every symbol
But the fact is that it is not always so simple
And the feelings that once were my closest friend have become a stranger in a familiar place

I shouldn’t have to reintroduce myself to my feelings
What will I even say?
As I glaze up at the ceiling I sit and ponder
Will I ever come up with a solution for this worry and wonder

I run on heart alone
Because my brain deceives me
But as cracked and weathered as an old stone
My heart is beginning to be

I need to restore it
Give it new light
Bring it to a place where it can restore
And give it something to see

I need to turn this stone heart into a flourishing plant
Never to be killed because the light will never disappear
But that future doesn’t appear to be near
So for now I will just sit, waiting, wondering, over here.

Do not worry, where.
Moon, find me.
Illuminate shadows
the sun could not
shake.
A million miles
away,
in a town unheard of.
On my way to a place
I’m not sure
exists.

Do not think of me.
I leave no trace of
myself.
Stars render the inability to guide,
when the darkness isn’t
quite dark
at all.
As long as I'm gone
I give myself to
the solace of
solitude.
Under the covers of
foggy back roads,
searching for answers in
static stations.

Do not look for me.
Sun, you burn
sharp scars into my skin.
I bruised and broke until I thought I
believed.
Only to discover
I did not.
Do not believe, do not believe,
me.
Do not.

Mirror, mirror on the wall,
Why do I bother to look at all?
I already know what I will see
And it's not what I want to be.
Who do I want to be?
I am not sure I know anymore

I remember the times when we used to laugh
at any little thing
There was no tension, no silence
No feelings of emptiness

I remember the times when we used to smile
at any little thing
at each other, while the sun rays beat off our youthful faces
Not a worry in the world

I remember the times when we used to talk
about any little thing
all of the time
with no silences creating a barrier between us

I remember the times when we used to hold hands
for no reason at all
Your fingers wrapped gently around my delicate hands
firm and protective, strong like you were never going to let go

I remember the times when we used to kiss
passionately and longingly
Our lips intertwined
puckering for more

But mostly I remember the times when we used to love
unconditionally
undoubtedly
wholeheartedly
Like no one else in the world mattered.

ive always been told to make sure i dont rely on people
i need to make sure i rely in myself
i need to make sure i can take care of what i need to do
and cast aside what's irrelevant

and i completely agree
and ive slowly started to condition myself to do so
i hope im successful

its kind of hard though now
when advice with good intentions backfires like that

i dont rely on people, yes, that is true
but i have problems trusting people when they trust me
i dont know how to stop concealing because when i finally want to open these pages i cant seem to break through its spine
i cant seem to figure out the right things to say until after the brass shells have dropped to the floor

success ***** for once

Something has happened.
I have changed.
This happens to all of us.
But I'm scared.

I'm scared because I think
that at some point
I lost something.
Something of myself.
Something I can never get back.

And what really scares me.

Is that with every passing day.

I remember less and less.

What I lost.

A child, not of speaking age, sat
   across me at tea time. The mother
fed her cake and cucumber
sandwiches, and the young girl
screeched with
                            a sour face

staring at me as if I held the solution
to erasing the taste of sweets and crunchy water.
I feigned a smile.
      It occurred to me that even as old as she was,
she had opinions on things she would forget. No one
remembers not liking cucumbers that young.