ive always been told to make sure i dont rely on people
i need to make sure i rely in myself
i need to make sure i can take care of what i need to do
and cast aside what's irrelevant

and i completely agree
and ive slowly started to condition myself to do so
i hope im successful

its kind of hard though now
when advice with good intentions backfires like that

i dont rely on people, yes, that is true
but i have problems trusting people when they trust me
i dont know how to stop concealing because when i finally want to open these pages i cant seem to break through its spine
i cant seem to figure out the right things to say until after the brass shells have dropped to the floor

success ***** for once

Something has happened.
I have changed.
This happens to all of us.
But I'm scared.

I'm scared because I think
that at some point
I lost something.
Something of myself.
Something I can never get back.

And what really scares me.

Is that with every passing day.

I remember less and less.

What I lost.

A child, not of speaking age, sat
   across me at tea time. The mother
fed her cake and cucumber
sandwiches, and the young girl
screeched with
                            a sour face

staring at me as if I held the solution
to erasing the taste of sweets and crunchy water.
I feigned a smile.
      It occurred to me that even as old as she was,
she had opinions on things she would forget. No one
remembers not liking cucumbers that young.

I can't be so sure
about you
when you play on my insecurities
wielding them like weapons
I've discovered
that your laughter and smiles
are a happy facade
for something much darker
dare I delve inside?
I don't know what I might find
perhaps the truth about myself
*or maybe just a web of lies

The world stands still.
The hand stopps working
And everything falls silent.
Nothing happens,
But everything goes right past me.
'Tick tack" reverberates in my mind,
The hand swirls around,
Does time exist?
The world moves too fast.
No matter what ever happens, i'll stand still.
I don't walk straight ahead
Not right
Not left.
Just sometimes i look back
Try to look forward after it
But my eyes are full of tears.
I've stopped living,
Even if my heart still beats.

"How am I feeling?- I think I'm fine,
Or at least not as bad as before
I think that I'm having a wonderful time,
Although I really can't be sure.

If I tell somebody I'm feeling OK
They smile and say; "Is that so?
What's made you feel better today?"
And I mumble; "I don't know."

It makes me question what I say,
And confuses me more and more.
I think that I'm having a wonderful day
Though I really can't be sure.

As I sat and pondered on how to write my next poem,
I witnessed an insect trying to fit into a space it was too big for.
I watched as the insect twisted and turned with determination to try and make the impossible possible, and it made me wonder:
How many opportunities have I missed because I mistook cannots for would nots?
I wallowed in the fear of what could happen, my pessimistic tendencies taking over,
(because I have loved and lost and I wish I had never loved at all)
so maybe the situation I am in is my fault.
Maybe it is genuinely not you, but it's me because you are the small space and unlike the insect I did not twist and turn
even though you are worth it.

I will auto correct myself, if you promise to do the same.