It’s a trigger, I think.

I’ve had a talk like that one
a million times
in three voices, two men, one woman,
in my many nightmares,
in my day to day living,
I’ve heard that one too many times.

A swirling tunnel,
a downcast drain, flushing
twisting impressions
of time and space, corrupted
in their voices
in my ears
and I think, surely,
that had to be a trigger.

They come out of nowhere
And can be as simple as a word
Intrusive, flashing voices
Who refuse not to be heard

These opinions with biased force
Keep ringing in my ears
Burning through my retinas
And searing their mark upon my fears

Like a thousand prickling itches
That cannot be soothed by a scratch
Stifling does not contain them
They constantly find new ways of attack

The mind is a delicate balance
Of inner and outer cues
A slight shift can cause a deafening
Where clear thoughts spiral to confused

I can't sleep
Surrounded in shadows
The A/C hums and
Moonlight slips in through broken blinds
The shows about to begin

The blankets tangle around my legs
My body tosses left and right
Incapable of ignoring the voices
These memories
They shuffle through my head
Intruding my dreams
Invading my thoughts

I can't sleep
Films featuring fear race through my head
Each one a perfect cut
Of moments in my life where
I was no longer in control
Moments when I was helpless
Moments where I am trapped
Simply a bystander to my own life

Suddenly a new scene appears
Taking off it's long worn
Camouflage that is used to hide
Right in between all the other
Ghastly happenings of my life

I can't sleep
I stare at the stars on my ceiling
Feel myself drift off into space
So far away

This memory is new and it hurts more
Than when it first happened

I can't make it stop
The voices won't stay quiet
It won't stop playing in my mind
The film is ******* endless

I can't sleep

I remember you as a dark figure, looming over me.
My repetition of "no" and "stop" was eventually absorbed into the background noise, ignored- As if I was not present to you, only my body.
Something about the way you overpowered me, until I had nothing left,
You stripped away every remnant of my worth.

Lifeless, with a broken heart, was how you left me.
You touched down in the banks of my hollowed soul,
Like an earthquake, shattered me down to my core.
Everything I built myself upon crumbled, and I was 6 feet underneath the rubble.
That was the last of me, the beginning of my end.

I lacked strength to face this reality, hiding from it instead.
Consumed by destructive habits to fill an ever-growing hole in my heart, I lost myself in a spiraling dark hole.

At the bottom of that hole, I with nothing left, surrendered myself to the One capable of healing.
After a long road of war waged on my soul, peace replaced my hopelessness.
The reality I hid from by using destructive habits to fill an ever growing void, I now face with a full heart, lifted on wings of praise by the Lord's grace.
My loss of self value was redeemed by faith. The scars on my heart, now bandaged, serve as a testimony to the power of God's healing.

Where I was once a slave to my grief, I have been liberated. Where my soul was once lost, has been found.

You're off
Key
Clearly off
Kilter
Drunk
On yourself
A bottomless
Unwellness
Which you
Have fallen
Down
But I'm
Not falling
For it
You're not
Safe
You
Have made
Me
Out
To be
A monster
Not to be
Trusted
Who can't protect you
From the fact
That you need me
Now
But I
Cannot protect
Myself
From your
Past
Or my future
Let alone
Protect you
From what
Should have been
Left well enough
alone
That's what we
Are
It's
True
It's traumatic
It's triggering
And you are
Holding
The gun

Here they sway from side to side.
Father and son, hand in hand.
That poor little girl
Who never stood a chance.

For boy, as you know,
Daddy had a thing for those
Of innocence and very few years.

Yet you watched from the shadows,
As your old man went on,
He didn’t know that you were there.
Why didn’t she scream?

You couldn’t believe the scene,
He is not the one you know
Today he had betrayed your soul.

But you would run if you could,
He blocks the door,
Of this old and abandoned shell of a barn.

Close your eyes boy, but the ears won’t relent,
Just look away and pretend you don’t see
Their silhouettes clinging to the walls.
Now you can never be free

You know the century is early, the laws unevolved
They say what you have seen has left your soul unclean.
They know she was your friend, so now they’ll understand.

This wasn’t your fault, you didn’t make it be
You know your father is to blame, he who hath sinned.
Unleashing evil in its purest form.

But that’s not what they’ll say
When they condemn you two to fate.
As from behind the crate you step,
“Father it is time to flee.”

You know his darkness, yet with him you must go
For life on the run alone, you cannot survive.
You strive for your freedom, with your demon at your side.

You travel the miles, yet with him you will never speak,
Because of him, your childhood is gone.
And even worse is the loss of her’s.

Together you last for many a day
But in the end you’ll never get away.
For it is now the third day of the second week.

You know you are caught, yet with him you’ll still not speak
As the cavalry rides up, and they take you away.
Back to the village where it all began.

The trial is short, the girl revealed all,
as before you were ever found, you were both deemed guilty
And tonight you shall hang, along with your old man.

So here they sway from side to side.
Father and son, hand in hand.
That poor little girl
Who never stood a chance.

I smell like regret, intertwined with sweat.
The Lord's Prayer is resting on my tongue, under my breath.
There's heavy sighing, eyes closed, I's dotted with hearts, X's and O's.

... yet no one knows.