i'm tired of being boiled down
to my barest, simplest parts,
and compromised beyond my core.

my facets ignored as if repugnant
or strange--
as if all i can ever be is what portait
painted itself.

to yell into an unyielding void
and be met with a stiff and resounding silence.
to be so resounding unheard despite
sheer and shrieking volume.

to exist in a space where metaphor scarcely follows for fear that truth will dilute it.

what importance did it ever hold?

it was all a cry.

and no one heard.

Running was never new to me.
Different places,
Different people,
Unfamiliar smells and unfamiliar buildings.
When things became too familiar,
Recognizing street signs,
Familiar names,
Memories and places etched into the back of my mind,
I move again.
Pain is an ever accompanying acquaintance,
A travel partner that never fails to remind me that I am,
In fact,
Always running from something.

My mind's a quarantine, I'm isolated now
I've broken hope within, my hopeless state of art
Abandon what I seek, that ship has sailed away
I dance upon my grave, at nights I try to pray
But  as the shadows grow, they laugh right in my face

The ceiling stays the same, I imagine the sky.
All of the stars I've never seen
Will I see them when I die?
The silence pierces ears
In the shadow of the night
My mind is quarantined
Sick of being alive

I have come to a conclusion. The conclusion to all my worries. To my pain and my curiosity. I will not be good enough. I will ask you for your assurance. I will beg you to let me stay. I would never leave. They leave me. They run fleeing as quick as their feet may carry them... broken photo frames and torn love letters. I was just hoping you would stay...

it was a cold night.
    i have no shelter.
    cold, tired, and hungry.

you were so down.
    heart's been thrown,
    looking from afar,
    wishing on the stars.

it's already late.
    you, walking around,
    found me on the Nile.
    too blue,
    but happy to be found.

I’m not good enough.
My mind repeats this phrase over and over.
I’m not good enough.
Like a broken record.
I’m not good enough.
My sister is the perfect child.
We have the same face and somehow everyone tells me how beautiful she is without glancing at me.
I’m not good enough.
My mother says I’m lazy because I want to watch Netflix.
I’m not good enough.
My father gets mad because I don’t want to take over the family business.
I’m not good enough.
My boyfriend made a “joke” to his friends about how I eat too much and I’m getting fat.
I’m not good enough.
I repeat is in my head over and over.
If anyone were to hear my thoughts it would be the only thing they heard.
I’m not good enough.
It’s exhausting.
I’m not good enough.
I’m so tired.
I’m not good enough.
Someone please help me.
I’m not good enough.
The suicide hotline is busy.
I’m not good enough.
Please someone tell it to stop.
I was never good enough,
Now I’m dead.

I am hurt
But not in the way when you scrape your knee
And not in the way when someone irrevocably betrays your trust
I am hurt in a way that cannot be explained

I am hurt
But not in the way when you break a bone
And not in the way someone spits out stinging words
I am hurt in a way that makes your heart beat just a little bit faster

I am hurt
But not in the way when your muscles ache with soreness
And not in the way when someone tells you they don’t love you anymore
I am hurt in a way that makes my stomach twist and churn

I am hurt
But not in the way that makes you grit your teeth in pain
And not in the way that makes one shut themselves out from the world
I am hurt in a way that makes my chest tighten and constrict until I can’t breath

I am hurt
But not in the way that can be solved with the pop of a pill
And not in the way that a teenage girl who is new to love does
I am hurt in a way that makes me dig my fingernails into my palms so as to quell the bristling tears threatning to spill.

I am hurt in a way that can’t so easily be explained away  as a papercut or with a smile
I am hurt in a way that comes with the lying words “I’m Fine.”
I am not fine.

Today I hurt.
Today I want to cry.
Today I feel alone. Left Out.

There is no rhyme or reason.
There is no starting point.
There is nothing I can say to explain away the pain except that it’s there.

I am hurt.

I cant sleep
no more
my brain is too

awake,
alert,
aware,

scared,
terrified

its
survival mode