I waltzed on the dance floor with Ellie,
Hands around her waist,
Her face buried in my neck.
She smelt of sweet honey,
Soft to the taste,
But such a warm and beautiful wreck.
Our love was something else,
We were the delicate fragrant roses
That grew from concrete.
When I taste her under my tongue,
The room turns quiet,
Colours brighten,
And there’s finally some peace.

Darling, it’s about time you come home,
I told myself.
Facing the ceiling with warm hands crossed
At my stomach, my eyes glued on the wall,
Mesmerised by the shifting mandalas,
Bright colours and overwhelming joy.
The weight of ten lifetimes rose from my lifeless body
And waltzed away into the cool air.
I convinced myself that it was just for fun,
But really it replaced the warmth that has been
Stripped away from my being,
If anything, this is my healing.

I don’t want to be sober
I’d give anything to get out of my head

How is it
That just about anyone
Can get just about anything
Except me
I’d take anything
And I have nothing

If you all would just leave me alone
Just give me the bottles
You know you won’t drink them anyway
Let me lock myself away
To be drunk and maybe suffer a little less
I’ll promise not to die
I just.... I just really need to not be sober right now

Feeling so **** low
Sometimes I just want to go
Grab the wine and drink
Quit taking time to think
For just this day
I want to say
"I'm not okay."

Call me a sinner
I'll go out for dinner
Cry silent tears
Admit a few fears
Whilst so close
Yet so far away

Yearning for things I cannot have
Spirit in a halve
Things'll get better
Thinking about writing another letter
Then putting it in my drawer
Making me yearn things more.

- Jay M
March 7th, 2020

I miss you every single day,
I'm sorry you don't feel the same way,
And I won't use this as an excuse,
To reach for some Jose or a noose,
Because this is toxic **** that needs to go,
Right out the door, and lock the window,
Because there's too much hurt and pain,
In the short amount of time you made me insane,

Papi, I liked the way you did things in bed,
And yeah, I got a little addicted to the way you gave head,
But nothing is worth my sobriety or my life,
So that's why this is last text you'll get from me, Goodbye,

Because even though you were my everything,
I feel like I was in the end I was your nothing,
And that makes me feel like complete and utter ****,
So even though I won't drink, maybe I'll take a hit,
Yeah, maybe that's not healthy, maybe it's the opposite,
But at this point I'll do anything not to give in,
To giving in and messaging you again,
Because this, this is the end,

Papi, I liked the way you did things in bed,
And yeah, I got addicted to the way you gave head,
But nothing is worth my sobriety or my life,
So that's why this is last text you'll get from me, Goodbye.

All I want is one day
Where my veins don't itch below the skin
Where I don't crave the bites

All I want is one day
Where I don't have to think about it
If only so I could clear the hair from my skin without temptation

All I want is one day
Where I don't have to fight with myself through every moment
To indulge in life's simple pleasures with an undistracted mind

All I want is one day
Where the spiders don't crawl beneath my skin
And I cease searching for scars that have since faded

All I want is one day
But I would take an hour-
Or even a minute...

Simply to be free of the spiderwebs that splay across my skin.