I'm falling apart (again)
and the tight seams of my mentality
are quickly fraying in this silence.
This silence is more than simply just that.
It is built up of sudden unemployment combined with
the empty spaces around me (that once held friends)
and the lack of motivation to do anything (caused by the overwhelming listlessness of my Depression).

The hardest things are really quite simple:
go to sleep
eat at least one meal a day
shower
go outside once in a while
breathe (deeply)
get out of bed
wake up
call someone (to temporarily fill the empty spaces)
feed the cat (which I manage to do during the few moments I'm awake)
clean up a bit
breath (once more).

The Depression has one outlet (that works)
but for once there is not even the urge
to engage in that self destructive action.

The search for a job is needlessly difficult,
for each time I find that the scars on my arms,
all over my body,
make me "ineligible."
The ones that seem not to care about such things
are either paying minimum wage and are part time
(neither of which pays the rent, car insurance, and other bills that always, always add up),
or I do not have the certification or degree to have them
(school is expensive and I will do whatever it takes to never live in the same building as my parents- even being homeless).

And friends?
How can one make and keep or even briefly have even one,
when they themselves don't have even the faintest idea of how
to let others in?
To trust them (any more than one would trust a person holding a gun to the back of their head)?

Lovely mornings, evenings, nights our hearts took flight
Laughing ceased as sighs increased.

Wafts of sensual sweet smells rose.
Bodies, curved in writhing poses glowed.

Cares lost in arousing touch, lingering fingers longed for
Secrets, shared in sacred sighs and wanton lies.

Arching union quivered and quaked.

I whispered then and will again
Stilettos are not made for walking,

Their soul purpose, freeing our rising desires,
Feeding rapturous tinglings of sensual ecstasy.

When it's three am
and the cold water splashes
against your face, wiping
away the sweat of another
nightmare,

When it's just about noon
and the old fork clatters
from your hand, moving
beyond the loneliness of another
meal,

When it's half past six
and the exasperated sigh escapes
from your lips, easing
aside the tension of another
day,

that is when I hope you recall,
remember, that once--
much more than once--
I was your gratifying well,
your overflowing banquet,
your everlasting breath.

It's the simplest of words that mean a lot. But then simplicity is apart of complexity, So If I'm complex then maybe my apology would mean more.
I'm sorry.
I've been walking around for about two hours looking for a sign, something but all I found was pain, guilt and well me being ashamed of myself.
I'm sorry,
I messed up and I'm sorry.
If all the words in the world could describe who I am then I would gladly take them because right now I feel like, a *****, a *****, a ***,and mostly I feel like ****,
I'm a **** up, a hypocrite I am the worst of myself and I'm sorry.
I never meant to hurt you, all I wanted to do was make you smile.
Make you see the best side of this world but I ****** up... So I guess I'm just like them a pretentious **** up...
I'm really sorry. I pray to God that things will be okay.
I'm sorry.
I only want you happy, I swear to God that's all I want, even if it means my happiness at stake then for you anything.

Just because you think you know
My story from someone I used to trust,
Doesn't make you my 
Personal advertiser. 

You can't see through my bluff,
Although you pretend to, because
You're not the first to pull this on me.  
I've had practice, you won't win. 

I made a mistake once, and I 
Made it again. Shoot me. 
I promise you, I won't 
Tell anyone, ever again. 

You don't have to announce it 
For the gods to hear, I act like I don't care,
Don't care how everyone looks
At me different now. 

So you became my mother now, 
Did you? Go on. Be disappointed.
Do it and I'll treat you like my mother.
Like I don't give a ****.

So you turned me into 
A monster, didn't you? 
All while telling me:
"I understand, really"

Now I know.
It all comes down to trust.
Trust, trust, trust, trust, trust...
Trust is a *****. 

I hate you. As much as I hated 
The other person who did this to me. 
As much as I hate myself. 
I ******* Hate You.

She was holding on to a man broken
every gesture made, every word spoken
was a desperate cry from a place so deep
that he can only reach it in his sleep

she holds him together so the pieces don’t fly away
keeping her balance as he kneels to pray
sometimes he sees her, sometimes he doesn’t
sometimes he lives in his past, sometimes his present

she implored, she beseeched
she tried action, she tried speech
‘if you cannot love me, let me know
if you will not love me, let me go’

But he holds on, as if holding on for dear life
as if he is drowning and every stroke is in strife
as if she is the only thing keeping him afloat
as if she was every single word he ever wrote

and his eye remains to the shore -
someplace clear but far
it seems within reach yet
more distant than a star

more and more it appears an exercise in futility
finally admitting it is beyond her ability
she drops to her knees, eyes up to the Master
trying to prevent her heart’s impending disaster

the weight is so heavy, so hard to bear
hope only comes in the form of a prayer
with hardship comes ease, promises the Beloved
but try as she might, she cannot rise above it

despairingly close to losing all hope, she implored
her tender hands bleeding from the double-edged sword
would letting go bring relief or a tortuous void?
would her heart remember the previously enjoyed?

♦

~ epilogue:

Then one quiet night upon an angel’s wing
she heard a voice that only an angel can bring
somewhere between a sigh and a scream
somewhere within  a half-awakened dream

She watched him float above the ocean waves
his  feathered wings skimming the waters surface
catching rays of sunlight into pristine prisms
a radiant reflection of blue-green and turquoise

From the edge of clouds,  he finally spoke
and his words became a poem
singing sweetly behind smiling eyes
gliding together over the ocean foam