My echo wont reply for me.
My reflection will not look at me.
My shadow does not walk with me.
My footsteps will not follow me.

I lost myself to someone else.

And they never gave me back.

day 1 (uno) that we talked you tried to whisper the clothes off my body and told me you wanted to see the folds of your fingers inside of me (as if it was nothing) and while I rejected he formulated and cracked a new plan — to tell me thats all he wanted to hear, and demanded self respect while pushing for lack of self respect.
His eyes couldn’t lie but when I tried to locate them, he carried me away in his personal blue seas (this is a cliche) and made me taste the waters (I got addicted as a result) and I guess that even my logic obsessed self couldn’t make out what was right and wrong anymore, so I drowned myself and floated in his rivers

Proceed to day 34 (teintra y cuatro) where you admitted under a drunken spell that you loved me all along and wanted a future. Phase 1: Terrified. Phase 2: Relief. Relieved that my love was not only mine, but ours. Relieved that I could drink from those waters forever. But terrified, so, so terrified of the mess I made from the man who only wanted to have my naked body and infect it. I had only shown a glimpse of my skin around my lower back, and you could only demand more while judging my self respect (or lack thereof). My logical self had decided that this behavior was him at his finest he was just setting me up and wanted to invade my skin. My loving self was convinced that he was acting out on his newly found addiction. Since I had just fed him the same venom he poisoned my body with.

In the end, it was all just a test of my self respect.
Or lack thereof.

i can only promise you
one thing

and that is that someday
there will come a moment
where i
snap.

they always told me that
depression was
anger turned inward
which i understand

but this body of mine can only
hold so much

and i can promise you
there will come a day
when i just
snap.

i'm already
cracking

and i can feel all the
anger inside
trickling out
through the
hairline fractures
in my emotions.

i can only promise you
this one thing

i don't know what will
happen
but i'm afraid for when
it does

because i remember two
moments in my past
very clearly
burned into some
heavily scarred portion
of my memories.

i remember when there was
a board somewhere
behind his door
behind his eyes
and i remember when there was
a hole where my
doorknob used to be
heart used to be.

and both times
i remember
screams
threats
and tears
i cried
and panic
cold
dark
panic set in.

he was screaming
through the door
and i can still
hear it.

i know
like i
couldn't
help it
he couldn't
help it
he just
snapped.

if i dig somewhere
below the
headache
i can still hear him.

he swore
i remember he swore
and screaming
is not a big enough word
to accurately describe
his voice
and the way the rage and
hatred still transcends
all time and space
gaps between the facts.

i can only wonder
if there was anyone
in the basement
or across the driveway
who heard how
he was going to
**** his family
**** himself.

and i wonder if anyone
ever knew
how my entire world
seized
and the teetering stability
so crucial
that i acquire
fell.

to this day
i don't know why.

all i know when we talked on the phone
he said "there are some scary people here"
and i couldn't understand
how he could be
a scary person by night
and my brother by day.

years later i stood in a hallway
next to some locked doors
and i could hear a ping-pong game on
the other side.

they told me that it was the
adult ward.

and i thought about the scary people
and then i thought about me
in the adolescent ward
and wondered if i had become
a scary person too
but i still don't know.

i don't remember that
he came to see me
but i remember that
she said
he was
upset.

one day my other
brother told me that he
had had four suicide
attempts.

but all i remember seeing was
the two a.m. kitchen
conversations about
God
perpetual blue lights
from the crack under
his bedroom door
until the sunrise
and nights where he never
came home.

there were three doors
down that hallway
one had a barricade
one had up all nights
and one had a hole
where the doorknob used to be.

we're in different hallways now
ones where the doors aren't
all in order
but i can still hear the echos
and feel the separation
pulling us apart
over meals that i would rather
eat alone
and weekend car rides spent
with headphones in.

and the walls have been painted
but i can still see every word
written in invisible ink
around each window frame

the story of a family
that slowly snapped.

We stopped talking but
you've messaged me four times now
to say I'm worthless.

I decided that
we weren't good as friends, and you
did just what you do.

Jay, I'm not asking
for your forgiveness, just that
you keep your silence.

I'm tired and longing
for a peace of mind you seem
eager to ******.

"Manipulative",
you texted me to say that
you were in Cleveland.

I read that message.
I waited three seconds and
I deleted it.

A long time ago,
yet so close to yesterday
I really loved you.

Your friends told you to
cut me out of your life, like
my friends said I should.

Neither were wrong, and
this is what it has come to.
This. This is the end.

Your interventions
always came up to protect
your own interests.

A dark Cloud of obscure atoms swirl around in Brownian chaos..
Time's a bit different  ere.. Eons  but a flit on tis clock..
Quantum effects play poker probability,
gravity the sinister Attractor ..

The cloud congeals,  darker still than b'fore..
Attraction,  it's nature Hot and crushing at primeval depths..
Ignites a fire so deep,  fuses the insides at the wave level..
Particles unite,  merge into each other,  
becoming something new altogether..

Out pushes the brightest light the universe's seen..
The light of God,  searing, nourishing and warm ..
drawn out of the breaking,  fusing hearts,
Ignites Life on a distant Rock..

The cloud now a big Star..
Observes in rapture as Life grows from infancy to Damsel in frenzy... She Remembers the ancient pattern,  dances around in fatal Attraction.. Fornicating, Merging, consuming, birthing  in Heat..

Blues fade into greens,  white streaks surround browns ..
Colours pulsing, coursing in a ballet..
Star is hypnotic,  it watches..
******* a flare or two at ecstatic moments...

Smitten by Attraction, Star wants to hold Life to its passion..
Can't bear the distance tween the two..
It burns and turns,  curious quarks, neutrinos play havoc inside,
turn Helium to Dark Carbon..

The Star sickened of burning and watching for Gods years,  
spreads it's arms to hold Life in its magnetic swarms..
It's million Kelvins approaching in Love, Blow Dry Life,  
Evaporate the tiny blue Rock..

Star muddled by tis sudden development,  
can't put its tendril to why tis happened..
It's heart broken, embraces empty space,
where Life pirouetted a few ages ago..
burns all the more, turns Carbon to Heavy Iron
and novas in green,  orange and gold.

The dust settles,  
Star now a mere smoldering lump of Neutron..
Looks in the dark depths in feeble ruddy light,
pulsing out signals to find its beloved Life.
Rueing on the beauty that was..

Destined to wait..
For the Clouds to congeal again..

Even if its just dream, even if you’re a dream
Let me dream of you
Until all the events become memories
Until I can’t get to see you even if I want to
Until all that is left is me and my torn heart
Let me love you until then
Even if separation is destined
Let me live this moment with you
Even if you end up being someone else last name
Let me call you mine for a second
Let me look at you with all my strength
For tomorrow I now know that you won’t be there anymore
I now know that sun would shine at same time, same place but you won’t be there to watch it with me
I now know that the songs that we are listening would always remain the way they are but we won’t
I now know that world is not changing it’s our treacherous heart that stops feeling the way it once felt.
So let me cherish you with all that I have until one of us doesn’t feel the way we feel
And when that day would come I would turnout in to bubbles and disappear just like a mermaid
But to me you would always remain a midsummer night dream
Warm, sweet and tempting yet short in existence

My body aches at the fact that I can't have you here to hold or have you here to call my own.
I wish to tell you that I love you so,
But you live so far and I'm so cold.

We are so similar yet so far from each other,
To fall asleep next to you or just to be near.
I hope one day I will meet you and be able to say that you're so perfect in every single way.

Never have I seen someone so similar to me,
Someone who loves everyone else for a cost but hates themselves for free.

I never thought that I would feel so strongly about you when we first talked,
But since then I have learnt to cry and also learnt how to walk.

Because one day I will be with you, but until that day comes, I will look upon the sun to let us truly be in love.

In a different light,
i'm sure i could see you
in this strangers' face.

With another drink,
i'm sure you'd taste
the same as this stranger tongue.

With another day..or two..
i'm sure your laugh (your laugh)
will fade into this strangers' throat.

BUT IT WON'T.
with another, another with.
      cause we're both.
without each other.

You loved me,
to depths and breadths,
of your fertile imagination.
But refused to understand,
the love I needed.

I loved you too,
the ways you wanted,
to be loved and cherished.
Your dreams were mine,
to fulfill, to make true.
And I tried.

But in this understanding,
and not understanding,
Seeing and not seeing,
we lost each other,
to the powers of being.

What remained was hate,
in your gullet,
and still remained,
your picture in my wallet.