I could live a thousand lives
Off of the deaths I’ve wished
I could spread hatred like a deadly plague
Off of the thousands I’ve mindlessly kissed

I could save a hundred men
If I hadn’t saved myself
I could heal a hundred broken hearts
If I hadn’t selfishly left

I could’ve helped an entire country
Off of all the books I’ve read
I could’ve built a world of trust
Off of all the lies I planted in people’s heads

I could’ve done so much for the world
If I hadn’t done so much for myself
Yet despite all I did, I regret nothing
Because you live for no one but yourself

I keep you near
You give words to my thoughts
You name them
You give me something to write about
Something to feel

I keep you near
For my own benefit
To pain and revolve me

I keep you near
Not for love
For my interest
Because you give me a reason
To aspire
To conquer

Oh yes
I keep you near
For the same selfish reasons as you
To satisfy my ego
To build myself up
I keep you here
Till you grow out of me
Till I'm too big you won't fit

I keep you near
I keep you near indeed

“I want your smile.
I want your arms wrapped around me.
I want your oceanic-blue tantalizing eyes piercing through my empty soul.
I want your kisses.
I want your tight hugs.
I want your voice lulling me to sleep.
I want your late night sweet messages.
I want your trust.
I want your love.
I want everything from you.
I want them mine alone.

Am I asking for too much?

I’ll stop making non-sense jokes to make you smile.
I’ll stop teasing you.
I’ll stop confiding myself to you.
I’ll stop caring.
I’ll stop showing fragility.
I’ll stop getting used to your concern-filled cold voice.
I’ll stop asking for your attention.
I’ll stop trying.
I’ll stop asking for more.
I’ll stop being greedy.
I’ll stop wanting you.
I’ll stop this feeling.
     Maybe.

     I think.

     Hopefully.

Do you want me to stop?”

Do you know what to do when you're sad?
When you're mad?
I don't.
Everything I do when I'm sad or mad it's a ******* impulse.
A ******* impulse.
I would like to control it but sometimes I can't.
I can't!
It's like it's not even me that thinks in that moment,
Or maybe it's the me that thinks too much.
I don't even know.
Have you ever done something and then regretted it?
I did.
That *****.
I don't like to feel that way.
It's like you thought that you knew everything,
That you knew yourself.
But the reality it's that you don't.
I don't.
Not even someone who isn't born yet knows!
We don't know anything.
I don't know anything.
And then we just keep doing the same and the same mistakes,
And that makes me sick,
Sick of life.
Because I do that ******* same mistakes too.
Don't we know that that it's a ******* mistake?
Don't we know that's bad?
Don't I know it?
Yes, we do.
Yes, I do.
We still do it anyway.
I still do it anyway.
We are really selfish beings,
We all are.
I'm.
**And that ******* *****.

How agonizing it is
To love you behind closed doors
Secretly, silently
Watching the clock go ticktok
As I wait impatiently
This feeling is testing my insanity
I'll become a demon to everyone
But an angel in your eyes
Because if I can't have you
Nobody can.

I was my only answer,
My only source of resources.
My listener,
My advicer.

I was also my worst enemy.

I ask myself a plethora of questions as I lay weeping on my bed in the pursuit of crying myself to sleep at night.
I ask myself how you're so untouched by the ordeal of my pain, by which you have inflicted upon me.

How is it that someone can mean so much to you, or at least act like they do, and then stab you in the back, heart and stomach; simultaneously? How is it that someone can neglect your feelings so quickly and selectively? How is it that someone can jeopardize all that you've had and been through just for one insignificant, worthless moment?

These are just a small selected amount of questions that penetrate my ill, mind.

But it's your fault. Entirely. And I will blame you for eternity, infinity and furthermore endlessly.

From young, innocent specimens we are persistently told that hurting other people is immoral, so why are certain beings so immune and untouched to the pain that they inflict? Why are certain beings so rash within their decisions and therefore their actions? But most of all... How is it fair that specific humans are so untouched by their barbaric and murderous actions?

You might be untouched by my affliction, but at least I am in touch with my morals.

**Guilt will drown you but the current will move me on.