I don't like: laying in bed;
sad and alone,
not able to rest.

I don't like: looking above;
seeing just darkness,
and nothing more.

I don't like: feeling so useless;
laying in bed
without any purpose.

I don't like: not being able-
to stand up at will
or open the window.

I don't like: feeling so empty;
sad and alone,
without my own mercy.

I'm my own little demon.
I'm my own little prison.
I'm my own little whisper.
I'm my own little killer.

I still see it.
To this day its still there.
Every part of me you touched,
spoke about,
hated.
Is red.
You left it on me.
To look at everyday.
To try and hide from others.
To make me feel like I deserve the least.
Because look at me.
I am covered in red.
And the only ones who fall for people covered in red.
Are ones that can add their own shade to me.

You are better than me
in more ways than one

You are beautiful
without even trying

You are funnier than me
So many people like you

You are more talented than me
There’s literally nothing I’m good at

Well

Other than tearing myself down
And hating everything about me

While your only worries are if
Your eye makeup will match your outfit

She lingers,
She speaks-
She sings in my mind.
For she polishes these windows,
My eyes-
How divine.

Yet sometimes I’m a puppet,
Her precious marionette.
At times I want to cower,
Wish only to forget.

For those words she speaks freely,
Cage me up like a bird.
Making me feel less of a human,
A soul-
How absurd!

Yet even though I’m aware of this poison that she spews-
Sending chills to my bones,
Leaving me internally confused.

For I’m aware of her games,
Yet I’m completely content-
With knowing the consequences,
Still I don’t repent.

Yes, it’s killing me slowly,
Forcing myself not to breath.
Figuratively and relatively-
Casting my body out to flee.

For the porcelain in my sight,
Calls my name like a god.
My body’s screaming for mercy,
In and instant-
She applauds.

Released and freed,
She whispers in my ears.
Slowly and surely,
But she’s housing all of my fears.

For this voice that sang sweetly,
Praising me for the days-
Of vacancy of my body,
Turns my mind into a maze.

See her words create hallways,
One intertwining with the last-
Of memories from my present,
Being guilted by my past.

Leaving me feeling so helpless,
So alone-
So afraid.

But that same voice brings be comfort,
Satisfaction-
For all of those days.

Yes it’s confusing in a sense,
Perhaps even to the eye.
But for me this is a daily,
A struggle of the mind.

See my body is strong,
Yet I feel internally weak.
For these words that I’m writing,
My lips can hardly speak.


                     Alysia Marie 2018 ©