I cared to be loved,
Loved the adoring.
He swore that he did.
Oh, the great deceiving!
Was it him or me— who's at fault?
For I felt nothing, not for him, not at all.
If I were him, I too would resent me.
Then why do I not feel guilty?
He was the first to **** me with his—
Words or gaze; his entire existence
Drove me mad. There was no escaping.
If hell was earth, I was in it,
Burned holes into my body every time his two eyes found me, the lovely gazing.
I still bear the scars of thirteen.

To bind the books
I have written in a consciousness
about all the little things
that manage a heavy weight
the things I pour into my mouth
along with the endlessness
and swish it around like mouthwash
hoping to taste the peculiar flavour of wonder
enough to forget the pain from
dunking my hands into buckets of wood chips
and fishing around for the next steps
retracting my fingers from future mess
that are now covered in the challenge
of scarring and healing

Tossed into the deep
Trying to find my soul
Something to keep
Holding close to my heart

Dragged into the mud
Trying to keep from crying
To embrace the flood
Waiting for it to die

Forced in toxicity
I did not ask for this
Trying to find serenity
Never wanted this

Living with these scars
All the pain within
Looking up at the stars
What happened to heaven

Caught in the darkness
Not like this
Is this the end
Nothing is a godsend

Not in this life
Not in this world
Want to take the knife
Cut the cord

I will leave
One day
I'll be gone
Someday

Looking back
An every time
I was under attack
Wanted to believe in more

More than this
This painful hope
Without hope
The pain of faith

Dealing with the devil
An all his evil
One of these days
I will be gone

And the memories
All the scars
Without meaning
Without hope

Nothing left
Naught but ashes
The ashes of me
My love has died

The heart inside
Black as the night
The smoke all around
Burning in the fire

My coffin
My turmoil
The fire
Hellbent

To fight
Unto the end of time
Nothing will shine
I see my ashes

The pain of a million faces
The pain of mine
Painful sorrow
No one would borrow

This is my story
My lost soul
My Humanity
I'm out of time

Dying within
Dead before it began
Burnt to nothingness
Looking for righteousness

I am
What for
Therefore
Nothing more to fight for
What for
Wherefore
Has life been a lie
When I die, will I fly
Or fall to the ground
I'm bound to the battleground
Will I
Shall I
Beating to the ground
Listen to the drum sound
Transform in another form to be reborn
Nothing shall fix
When the nail hammers in once again on my coffin
Nothing will fix what happens next
Burning this time as I am out time
The clock counts down from midnight
It'll be a fight to rise with the sunrise
At the burning sun
I never wanted this again
Oh father my God from heaven
Where art thou
What happens to me now

Tic, Tic, Tock
Look at the clock
Put the Glock to my head
There is no bread
No life left
Like a thief in the night
He stole my heart
Can't feel my heartbeat to the beat of the musical sheet I repeat
Can't feel the heartbeat in my chest when I open the locked chest once again
Can't feel the beat within my hollow chest, I say again
Can't feel my heart torn apart from the start in the dark, light the spark, I repeat again
The nail is in within an upon my coffin again without hope to cope as I look into the scope
Set a flame within to ignite in the darkest night as I fight for my life at the end of the knife
Will it fix or start or begin again from the beginning to the ending
Will it be a surprise within my eyes what never dies

Rise and never look back to the attack of your heart and mind

Rise
Never look back
Never give up
Be the Phoenix and Rise