here you go again
the hurt you've caused me

the pain i felt, the scars you helped me create.
the tears you've made me spill.

has it all been worth it?

why me? why myself?
why did you hurt me?

are you happy now, are you proud?

do you even care if i live or i die?
would you even care?

cause this time its for real
im not gonna lie

todays gonna be the day i'll die.

He looked at me like my eyes were adventures
Like the stories inside
Were just like the ones he flipped through as a kid
Like my secrets were scripts
I was planned out and he was just along for the ride
for the story
When he looked at me
I could feel him digging
trying to find al the things i was going to hide
remove everything that flawed me
At least that's what he thought

Before him I had no wall
But when he asked me about the scars on my wrist
The wall around me went up
Shutting the door to my eyes
Sewing my mouth back shut
because I knew
for me to explain the truth
He would try to remove it from inside me
My heart in my chest would be torn from its cage
and through my mouth
Taking it as if it was on my sleeve
because he thought this would be the best for me
He would try to wash away my scars
unknowing of the new ones he created inside
I put a wall up because I didn't want him to see me
Or try to
Because when he asked why I didn't like the colour of my hair
The ocean of my eyes
burned like a forest fire
They burned inside of me
to a crisp
As if he wanted a fresh start so he cleared me out
Like I could be removed like his story book
but he left me with ash and ruins instead
Just a shell of what I was
Because when he asked why I didn't like my thighs
I bent my legs
and covered them with my arms
As if he thought talking about it would make me see
"what he saw"
As if I'd forget the feel of them rubbing together
dotted with brown
Like my mind would forget my waist
shoulders
all my imperfections of my reflection

Because when he asked why I smoke
or drink
or any form of drugs
Why I'd stop eating
or would throw up
I just smiled
And words spilled from his mouth about life and death
About lessons and tales people had told him
because he had never experienced them himself
never would
As hard as he tried
we would never see eye to eye
I know if I handed him my pen
He'd rewrite my story
but that's my adventure
and what makes my eyes glow

He looked at me like my eyes were adventures
Like stories he heard as a child
But when he found out was was hidden between the lines
He set those books alight
and tossed my heart in with them too
But I grabbed it before the flames engulfed it completely

She came into her life
A mere stranger of coincidence
Alexander McQueen ivory silk tulle
Empire line gown.
All senses heightened;
She was waiting amidst
The exotic smell of burning
Candle wax.
The scent of a woman clinging
To lustful air, white roses ribboned
Thorns tinting porcelain skin.
She hears the patter, not dislike
A small child coming toward you.
All senses are broken; just a voice
So much power in the echo
Of words spoken with such
Fluidity.
****, he ******* knew that
She was awake, Louboutin steps
Scaring the devil itself; what sin.
Walking through flames,
Burning, hot coals; presence.
Ophelia approaches, a creature
Secure, arms wrapped tight
And smiles at her.
Ophelia speaks to her; lifting her arms
To wrap around her instead.
A gentle hand, to the thigh
A soft caress across silver scars.
The girl feels; inadequate
And yet, forgiven for all she has
Committed; sins of the flesh.
It was only now that, this goddess
Of desire, lust and eternity
Could mark a soul, for she was an
Angel, winged feathers a glow.
She reaches to the empty soul
Challenges her resoluteness
"What can I do to help?"
Eyes welling, the sound of a
Tear, akin to a pin drop
In silence.
In that silence, words formed
Like cloud patterns, shifting
Graceful elegance.
Nothing was heard, all was spoken.
Ophelia stole her heart,
The girl will always be attached
By symbolic resurrections
Of strength,
Spiritual
From
The heart and mind.

© Sia Jane