I am Jonah in the belly of Leviathan
living only when the beast surfaces,
exchanging liquid grief, heavy air
for the unwanted gasps of new life.

I pray out of this belly for gills
and only the ocean hears my voice,  
It deepens and encompasses me,
its  waves billowing me in absolution.

The beast vomits me out to her caress,
a body of weeds penetrating to my soul.
I dream of sinking, my thoughts fainting,
lungs releasing their corruption.

I relax and the waters reject me.
It refuses me gills knowing
that land creatures were meant
to see only mountains and sky.

There is no hesitation
to pick up bird feathers
from off the ground,
and heal an angel's
broken wings.
But there is a pause
before we reach a hand
to the broken claw
of a demon.
Tell me now,
Are they both not in need of saving?

Perhaps I am yet unwise in most ways
and do not know the meaning of many slight symbols,
nor do I fully grasp the importance of free will.
But I have seen my share of death and life,
I have tasted the fruit and likewise spit it out
back into the palms of those who fed it to me.
I have heard one too many sermons desperately tempting me into salvation as it has been defined.
Short-sighted as I am, though, I have abandoned the house of the lord
to build my own here on earth.

…But I fail to grasp…
I really do.

And I fail to write too
about the colossal confusion
in my mind's realm.

To be free must always create glee.

And freedom, consequently,
must incontestably be
the loftiest of all bounty.

✽

…But then they say:

Do not run away from your instincts
…of survival, love, anger, ***…
for if these instincts were not of value,
nature would not have given them to you.

And I muse: Is it true?
Is it?

this incomprehensible link between being free
and the ineluctable visceral slavery?

Won't it rather be that no sooner than you begin to try
to attach (or detach) value to this view or the flip-side

freedom…would indubitably fly

…away?

And then they say that one must surrender.
And thus I agonizingly wonder:

when the mind doesn't wish to unwind
…to let go…
and you bully it to do so

you still cannot be set free

for it is only they who say:
Whatever you resist
shall persist.

✽

And I fail to grasp, I really do,
the cryptic intent of this concentrated glue
of chaotic desire and cardinal instinct
inherently inbuilt
by nature's very own inscrutable mechanism
in (wo)man's puppet-like plight

and then making salvation

the sole noble right
of a free spirit.

✽

An afterthought mulishly survives:

Why?

your warm heart
is the pulse of my life

the sweetest speech is when
i speak to you anna

my salvation
my destiny

the sweetest blood is
your blood anna

your warm heart
is the pulse of my life

the pulse of my life
is your warm heart

my savior
my salvation

the pulse of our lifes
are our hearts

travel with me
i will take you away

forever anna
anna forever

a: absolute love
n: neverlanddreams
n: no other woman
a: absolute love

your name is a
frame

your reflection a
painting

anna+tizzop
tizzop+anna

and this white page has become a bole
our lovenames are engraved in wood

and wood never sinks in water

Sometimes the only way;
To get through the pain;
Is to give the price; you must pay.
So pour on the agony; let it rain.

Turn it into a crucible; forge yourself;
Don’t let anything touch you ever.
Become iron; become steel itself;
And you will be hurt never

the world is colourless
colourless, because it's abandoned
colourless, because it's empty
colourless, because it's dead
colourless, because salvation requires there to be something left to salvage.

selfishness, greed, the lies we told,
there will always be consequence
there is no one left to pin the blame on
because now, we are all guilty.

but there is hope.

after we are gone,
it will finally rain.

after we are gone,
the sky will slowly clear.

after we are gone,
a green stem will grow from the earth.

after we are gone,
nature will survive.

after we are gone,
the world will bring itself back to the prosperity
that it had before we came.

after we are gone,
the world will reconcile
it will return to what it was
without us there to destroy it again.

because, before we were gone,
we forgot that it was not the nature that depended on us
but we the ones that depended on nature.

perhaps it was time for us
to take our leave.

perhaps it was for the best
that humanity was its own fatal flaw,
its own destruction.

Over the past few months,
I've realized nobody is perfect.
Not even myself.

I've realized it's okay to fumble.
It's okay to fall.

It's okay let my emotions
Get the best of me.

It's okay to be angry.
It's okay to be sad.

And I've realized
It's okay to slip up
And fall off the tracks.

I know I'll get right back on the path,
And head towards the direction
The direction towards redemption
And the acceptance of self,
Instead of seeking approval from others.

I know I've made mistakes in the past.
And I've made mistakes in the present day.

For far too long,
I've lived my life,
With a cloud of regrets
Hanging over me.

I can't let the past or present,
Dictate how I live my life.

To move forward,
I have to learn to love myself,
Instead of seeking love from others.

I must learn to forgive myself,
So I can forgive others.

Life is filled with trial and error,
We're all trying to find ways
To find solutions to problems
Instead of trying to fix ourselves.

Today is the day
I work on fixing myself.

I can't live my life
Focusing on the past.

It's time to enjoy life.

It's time to move forward.