I built a wall, a fortress, a prison
I've been caught in the duldrums i need a tidal wave and wisdom
I need the noise to drown out the world crashing down around me
Lost in the ruins that found me
I dont like to feel  like a soulless machine
That wont dare approach another human being
I need to break out of prison and over the wall
What do we offer? Anything at all?
Institutionalized in this prison of my mind
I hardly function outside of it. Lost in thought, doing time

Do not fall in love with girls like me

I will stray away and become a recluse and forget your name
But you, you will still feel the poison coursing through your bones that was injected the first time I kissed you
You will still taste the bitterness of my name on the tip of your tongue for years to come
You will still feel the sting of my embrace and my finger tips grazing your thigh long after I have run off
You will hear that one song and remember the haunting melody of my voice whispering to you during our late nights

Girls like me do not start with the intention of being this way
Girls like me dream about love and romance and living together in holy matrimony
But girls like me are full of fear and abandonment issues
"Leave before you get left" plays like an alarm in my mind over and over

Do not fall in love with girls like me, unless you are a *******

It’s time for me to disappear
I’ve overstayed my place i fear.
It’s time to once again recluse
Rather than tying a noose.
It was lovely while it lasted
But the pain is started to imbed
So I’ll leave instead.
Hide within myself again
The way that it’s always been.
I’ll put on a fake little smile
No one will catch on, at least for awhile.

How can you expect someone to love you -
when you are not the person they wanted?
When all you are is a substitute;
filling a vacancy left open by the person
they wish to be with.

How can you be enough to a person
who is never impressed by any of your efforts?
A person who sees all your expressions of love,
as inadequate coming from you?

How can you be appreciated by a person
who sees your eccentricities as flaws?
A person who attempts to appropriate anything,
and everything unique about you.

How can you be worth meaning a great deal
to a person who sees no value in you?
A person who is prejudicial without remorse.

How can you be worth loving
when you struggle to love yourself?
When life has flagellated your self-esteem;
when depression has left you void of any jubilation,
and left you with an overwhelming emptiness
and nights of crying-induced sleep?

At my best, the love I give is not reciprocated.
The person I am is not celebrated.
The emptiness within me seeks solace in recluse.

as a kid, I was excellent at mathematics
& decided 7 was my lucky number
due to it's being prime, a number
that did not fit or divide evenly with anything,
as it was for me with friends--

i've skipped day seven
and find it interesting that
with time, i'm now drawn more to 8,
the infinite purpose and divinity
found in the ability to continue on
despite the odds,
a finite existence turned mystical
as the lion of Strength
closes his mouth
and does not speak his needs this day--

the wispy spider whispers in my ear
the secrets to eternity,
this obtuse circling of a star that has long passed
i wonder what my purpose is--

i wish i was not so aggressive with you,
my need for your improvement haunts me
as i want to be held and comforted
as i've never known, a feeling i've tasted
and long for deeply--

us humans are not taught to love ourselves,
to really nurture our own hearts
& minds, to know what is is we seek
to the furthest reaches of the galaxies,
we settle, don't question, don't find

& i want more--

i chew my cheeks when
i'm nervous and lately
they've been raw
i feel like a train wreck
in progress and everybody's
just stopped for the show
the help i need is so close and
if i had a voice i'd use it but
**** it, it gets so hard to
talk through the voices
of the people in front
of me and the ones
between my ears