My heart was an abandoned animal,
and your mouth was an umbrella
that dissipated any storm
ready to shake and rattle the soul
that I built as a home within myself.

You shielded my heart as best as you knew how.

Too bad that the lightning of your words
combined with the thunder of the storms
tore apart your umbrella and electrocuted
any hopes that remained for my heavy heart.

Maybe someday you'll see that the temporary
home you had been was never going to be built out
of brick, and one day would fall to the ground
without so much as a word or last breath.

Its 1:31 AM, I’m awake on a Sunday night having just finished a sad movie. I must be an emotional wreck because I usually don’t write like this unless I feel deeply sad in my heart. Its weird how its touch and go, how one minute I’m sad and the next I’m nervously smiling watching the crowd in a nostalgic happiness. For some odd reason I’m crying, earlier today I was at a concert, and then afterwards my mother brought me to an over 21 bar. I’m barely over 17, and I realized in that moment next year I would be an adult. A free, unbounded, set on adventures full blown adult; and yeah I felt excited but the worst part was that unbearable scariness clenching my soul telling me unknown is upon me. I’m very odd like that; while my exterior emanates pure bliss my interior can have a billion thoughts of terror and fear of the unknown, a silent battle on a happy vessel.  I’m trying to keep it together here, but here I am almost 2 am on a school night crying my eyes out for nothing and poring my heart out into a poorly written letter to myself. I’ll probably stay up all night because at this point will be extremely tired either way. Sometimes I regret ever taking AP and honors classes, they take up so much of my vacant time, and I always end up procrastinating till the end of me and it hurts so bad. One day I think the stress will be all too much for me, I’ll have pulled out all my eyelashes, picked off every last bump, and silently cried my last tear, and I’ll just vanish into an endless sea of sleep. I hope that never happens though, because for some odd reason I always seem to thrive in these stressful times, I mean sure my coping mechanisms stress me out even more but I survive. I hope the next time I feel like writing it won’t be spur of the moment 2 am because I really need my beauty sleep. It goes without saying that I am a very shallow *****, I am rude and arrogant and intelligent and annoying, but without any of those qualities my life would be impossible. I probably would’ve offed myself by now if I didn’t have a way to cope, if anyone who knows me is reading this you should know how deeply sad I am yet how unbearably happy I am at the same time. I love the time when I wake up and I just want to roll over and sleep again, the moment when my whole outfit screams my name and I feel the best kind of sexiness, when I finally get that math problem or I am full speed ahead in all my classes, you have no idea how happy I am when I hang out with a family member or on rare occasions a friend. How sad it makes me when my sister pushes me around, yet how happy I am that she is still to date my best most wonderful friend in the entire world and there is no way that I would ever be able to survive without her in my life. Now I’m a sobbing mess, over a rude sister, wow how ******* my perspectives of the world are. There is no way I would trade her for anything in the world, her natural beauty and grace, her constant fighting spirit, and her wonderful and unattainable intelligence because there is no way I will ever be as smart as her and no matter what I will always look up to and in to her. This is not a love letter, more a jumbled mess of sad and happy words all mixed together desperate to sort itself out. Scared of the future yet so unbearably yearning for it, what a terribly numb life it hurts so bad it makes me happy to be alive. I could be a sullen gloomy mess of a girl yet my life revolves around the simple fact that I am happy, and no matter what diagnosis or what condition I will always be happy.

Lon, lon, lon
Disdain emerges and clings up to my eyes.
Lon, lon,lon
I stop and mumble, rainbow and sunrise.

Lon, lon, lon
How words can break, they crumble
lon, lon, lon
I abstain of sorrow, I **** to stay humble.

Lon, lon...longer
I sing a song and I tumble, slighty used, nights I borrow.

Lon, lon, lon
And on I ramble,
September is almost gone.

There  once was a boy lost in the woods, he was not lost at first, but became soon after, because you see he fell in love with a monster, It inthralled him, at first he tired to coax it, lying to it showing it gold and giving it food, pleased with his efforts he tried to take it home, but it turned and ran, but that is not when he gave chase, he waited a day, then two, then four, that would be about a week, maybe more or less, but to him it was an eternity without his monster. Oh but it came back, surprised its self the monster did when it saw the boy standing where it had left him,  the boy remained motionless, but that could be for many reasons, but he'd claim he was trying to freeze time, and maybe he did, either way motionless he remained, till the monster moved close enough to be in reach, as it reached to touch his face, he grabbed it, victory, victory, his eyes closed filled with tears, opening he looked at his capture, no longer was it his monster, it was all a dream, he had fallen asleep in the forest, and now is lost.

I can't breath
I stay up until 3:00 in the morning until my lungs have had enough.
I will torture my exhausted mind with images of the things that could have happened.
I clench to the thoughts that this world is filled with hope of something pure, something brighter than it really is.
There is nothing pure about this world.
This world is not a place for hopeless romantics.
This world is not a place for me.

I can't help but imagine my future
I know in reality it will be nothing like I dream.
I won't meet the perfect man.
I won't have the perfect job.
I think most people have so much hatred for the life they live because in the beginning we are promised big things.
We are made to believe we can do anything that we set our mind to.

Tell me how many people in the entire world are exactly what they dreamed of being.
and then tell me the number of people in the world

Those odds aren't great enough for me

I guess I just want more than I'm worth.

I want to be kissed in an art gallery

And cross streets without looking both ways,
Because we’re too busy,
Giving each other our own green lights.
(The sun was shining, and your smile was beautiful)

I smoke cigarettes as a metaphor
But I am not a book
Or exceptionally skinny
It still makes me feel romantic

I screamed at the top of a mountain,
And fell into my grave
All without leaving my bed.

I vow not to be a parent that looks the other way
And that punishes the symptoms
Of a sickness

Its hard not feel broken
When I can hear the rattling of my shattered insides

Its been a year since you died
I’m so sorry.

I used to draw.
I used to think beautifully.
I miss who I used to be, before I found myself

I have a whole world in my head
I am so much
and
I can’t wait to share it with someone

I’m not done living,
I have so much left to experience.
And I must find beauty in my distortions
If I’m ever going to make it out of here

-Taylor.