my friends forget
im in class
becuase im in the corner,
always
too
quiet.

maybe i need to talk more.
maybe i need to scream how i feel.
maybe i should sit with them...

i know it would solve
this issue
but..
would it really?

i am just known
as the quiet kid
among many.

Step zero, the crack of light.
A flicker of doubt in my comfort zone.
For the first time I ask:
Why do I do what they do?

Step one, my wallet speaks.
Every coin, a quiet vote.
Hurt their vulnerable spot:
Profit.

Step two, the test begins.
When it’s cold. When it’s loud.
When the joke’s on me.
When they leave.

Step three, no preaching.
But I tell what I’ve lived.
What it feels like
To look into the world’s mirror
And not flinch.

Step four, I walk in.
With poems in my pockets.
Truth on soft-spoken pages.
They invited the poet,
but the rebel slipped in, too.

Step five, Infiltrate.
You paid the rebel,
You invited the dreamer.
Now start your own step zero.

Recognizing your need to heal and grow,
I gently stepped back.
Not because my love for you had faded,
But, out of love - to protect our bond
Before bitterness could consume it entirely.
I created space for self-love.
Alongside the love I hold for you.
Even if our paths don't cross again,
I will be the keeper of what remains of our story.

and my question for you tonight
what are you most scared of
in the pale moonlight
when you're by yourself
and you imagine a life where there isn’t any fear
what do you wish you wouldn’t have to bear?

i’ll start, i guess—
i’m scared of loud noises
people screaming
put me in direct contact
and i’ll lose all my feelings

i’m scared of broken ceramics
violence, hitting, cursing, breaking
i remember tea stains on the walls
pieces of a once whole, beautiful cup
strewn about, broken everywhere

i’m scared of the heights
only on days when i feel just too light
that i might just let go
what if i fall and what if there’s nothing that’ll hold me back
or a ledge to hold on

i’m scared of the compact
too many monsters all at once
perhaps i’ll crack
a pressure, eyes upon me
i could disguise, pretend
but i hate all that i see

i’m scared of losing all this kind
of losing who i am
and this battle in my mind
going cross-eyed even as i write
i’m scared of failing, falling,
not being able to swim back up
simply drowning

i’m scared of loving too much
perhaps enough and never being loved back
and it could be a lie or an irony
but i’m scared of nursing a broken heart
or breaking one myself
for i wouldn’t want it
wouldn’t want to see the mess
but it happens, happens way too much
and i have to play pretend

i’m scared of speaking
of what if you see the hidden meanings
of what if you just don’t— and ignore me
what if i speak, and there’s nobody to listen
and even if they do listen, what if i burden

i’m scared of being lost
in the depths, in the lows,
not being able to express does that to you the most
and i fear losing
losing all that i’ve built
every step i’ve taken
every memory i’m sewn in
all the moments out of time i’ve milked
to the very last drop
feelings i’ve penned down, every last thought

i’m scared of— not being enough
perhaps i am not
but even so— i deserve to exist
exist without a doubt or second thoughts
and i shall revoke anyone’s rights
don’t make me feel like it might
be better if i ceased to exist
i fear it and i fear what if a day comes
when i can’t write, listen, see or speak

and what if i lose
lose you, and what if i get punished
for things i haven’t even done but simply being blamed for
and what if you see me with the eyes that carry despise
hatred perhaps, i fear what if a day comes
and i just don’t see you anywhere or here, in fact

i’m scared of a lot more
of being left behind
overlooked, perhaps thrown to the side
never healing from things i can’t even speak of
and perhaps staying the same
missing out, accidentally meeting upon accidents
that could become part of the worst nightmares or
failing, falling on dreams and been a betrayed chore

the list goes on
but i can’t speak it out loud
or answer it when i ask you all about
what are you scared of?
so i just say spiders, and move on.

not because they're wilting,
but because i am.
and the quiet
it listens better than people do.

the tap creaks,
the light hums.
a kind of lullaby for the ones
who never learned how to rest.

a cracked mug stares from the sink,
still holding the ghost of yesterday's tea.
i let it be.
not everything broken needs fixing.

outside,
the world is asleep.
inside,
i am learning that survival can look like
clean counters,
wet soil,
and breathing softer.

i am not healed.
but i am here.
and sometimes,
that's enough to make something
bloom.

Today is filled with an unusual stillness,
With nary a breath of wind.
Perhaps now is a good time to rest.

I have solitude in my mind.
Today’s stillness has taken over
My entire being.
Thoughts vanish in an instant.

I sit here perfectly stock-still.
My immediate world
seems to be halted.

Please, let something move.
Everything feels so calm and placid.
I don’t want to feel lifeless.

Such extreme stillness,
Bordering on the edge of madness,
Am I slipping into insanity?

Will I pull myself out of
The periphery of lunacy
To step back into this
Mad, mad, mad world?