My question isn't
When do I start?
But rather
When do I end?

you're right there,
just waiting for me
i know you are,
you put it so plainly,
and i can clearly see
you're so sweet
and
i'm so tempted
as i stand here screaming out your name,
i know i can't have you
why must you do this to me, torture me so?
i love you, but you don't love me back
yes, you give me more,
but not what i want,
won't you cut me some slack? is this always going to be this way?
"no, it won't, one day things will be different,"
i hope to hear you say.

how long have i been standing here
the edge of the roof seems so high
and i've always been afraid of heights
but like the fool i feel i should leap

why won't the songs i love
fit the mood that i am in?

i keep pressing shuffle,
"surprise me," i ask the universe
that embodies my fingertip
as i press the button
over and over again

and i sit at the edge of the world
which is only a rooftop,
looking for the right song for the occasion

how can every sound feel wrong?

in this moment, i'm convinced
you've sabotaged my goodbye

so i stand back up, looking over the edge

it's only a ladder's length down,
but somehow climbing is scarier
than a fall could ever be
the pace makes all the difference.

so perhaps, i should just take
a couple steps back
and take a deep breath

and while the sky isn't blue
and i am alone with thoughts in my head
perhaps this might be a nice place
to paint a picture of what it is that i want

i feel like i'm constantly forgetting
who the little girl i wanted to be
had as an answer for the future

but one day i'll make her proud

her little smile is worth it

and maybe, that's what your sabotage did

it made me look away from the world
and into my head for a moment
and i've spent so many weeks clearing out cobwebs that i wonder
if it was your plan all along

you think of me often, but your hand
hovers over the button

press send. stop leaving it to fate.

i can only have 3-day lovers for so long

i still remember how it feels to run
my hands through misbehaving hair
cinnamon sighs escaping unkissed lips
as we discuss what's on your plate
before you fill mine with fresh fruit
and pancakes

why are you on my mind?

you've been a stranger far too long to be a friend

and yet i see you in my dreams

ask to kiss me in the dead of night
lazily lay an arm on my waist
and whisper out wishes for tomorrow

are you letting yourself rest nowadays?

are you still worried about your brother?

are you still in your head?

did he ever message you back?

do you still write songs?

did you unite your preponderances

with the sound?

or are you still sitting in your void

snapping to find the echo

within an empty room

cluttered with fancy clothes

and fairy lights?

perhaps your top hat sits upturned
among your sheets and ship
along with two copies of a tape
of a movie you don't care about

maybe you're shutting out the world
with parties you know are unsafe
to feel alive during the plague

do you still think of those two bears
on their bike, left to their own devices
in a little display where we could point
murmuring between camera clicks
that "that one's dressed like you!"
and "this one has my hat!"

do you still hate my guts for crimes
i never commited?

do you still want my father's job?

i still have a wrapped up piece of you
in a plastic bag in my bedroom
half hidden so i dont think about it

i have other means to get high,
so i never smoked it.

can we trade?

you don't need to say hello,

or to hold me as i cry.

but could i please have my stuff back?

i miss those safe pages i let you hold

Coming out
Into the world,
After a sure start
With nowhere to go now
Almost choking
At being an adult
Living life,
As it was laid out
By nature and nurture
Unfazed by my own religion
Or the world outside,
Never talked
To the guy upstairs
But living used to be sacred,
Is now all but sacrilege
If it were always
My plan versus his
I never stood a chance
But there's a sense
Of burdened freedom
Along with a sense
Of joyful realism
To be happy
any chance you get,
A fine ventriloquist
He's got his ways
Makes you admire
The work he does,
While pondering
The meaning of life,
The fine line
Between right and wrong,
Trying to get some
sense of control
Thinking of pulling
One up on my destiny
Of saving my soul
Not selling out
To this facade
Of what we call progress
But maybe I should
Just stay a while
And enjoy this blissful anaesthesia,
Monitored by the man himself.

"I want a lifetime
of waking up to you
hogging the blankets,
and holding you on
nights where you panic.

I'm not good with words,
not like you are.

but I want to fight
for what we have.

I want to stand by you
while we remind ourselves
why we got together
in the first place.

I'm sure of what
my life needs now.

it needs the girl
who hopped onto
the back of my bike
like it was nothing,

who didn't know
that one day soon
it would be everything.

it needs the girl who
stopped me and told me that
she wasn't ready to use
those three words,

but then yelled
'I love you'
while riding me not
too many nights after.

great timing,
by the way.

it needs the girl
who used words
to turn her pain
into a message
about surviving.

I could stare at you
for hours and still
be amazed years later
that I met someone
so beautiful.

luckily, you remind
me to stop staring
and to keep my eyes
on the road.

because of you,
we only crashed once.

I am madly
in love with you

and I want this
to be forever."



I reread this note
every night when
you're working late.

you're much better
with words than
you think you are.
you must be,

because when you
handed me this
and asked me
to marry you,

I didn't hesitate
before I said "yes."

I woke up to an empty bed
You didn’t come back last night
Where were you instead?

My question started a huge fight
But I trusted the words that he said,
I woke up to an empty bed.

He was sleeping with my friend
Oh, how I wanted her dead
Seeing him quickly became a horrible sight
Where were you instead?

The truth quickly came to light
Eating hot Cheetos alone, I was staying out of sight
I woke up to an empty bed.

I needed to clear my head,
I was crying away the long nights,
Where were you instead?

No I wasn’t alright,
He had taken my heart and left out of sight.
I woke up to an empty bed.
Where were you instead?