what if I've never been in love
i've just been infatuated and calling it love
what if the voices in my head never rest
and my demons begin to show
what if the God is saddened that i've strayed
and he keeps showing me signs but i never see them
what if my dark thoughts over cloud my good ones
and i become so different that I'm left alone
what if i don't find happiness
and just drown in the sadness of life
what if my whole life
i've just been wasting on people who don't matter
what if life is just a test
and i'm always getting every answer wrong
what if my faith never becomes strong
and i never experience the promise of heaven
what if waking up constantly becomes a pain
and that's my hell on earth
what if my heart's keep shattering
from falling for the wrong set of people
what if my heart heals
but the love doesn't last because devil keeps taking them
what if the there are no answers
and my life is just one blank question
what if i keep asking all the wrong questions
and left all the real answers go
what if my demons start to talk
and we become friends and it makes me feel at ease
what if i'm redeemed
but my friends and family are condemned
what if my insecurities makes me strong
that I stop trusting in people and their words
what if my time on earth is almost coming to an end
and I never get to make the littlest of a difference
what if i never make my parents proud
and just vanish out of existence
what if I keep asking what ifs
and nothing changes

I don't understand, but your tone incites.
Is this ignorance or bravado
Is love and hate the same when the day of fated relations stays mocking on the morrow
Are the planted dead standard
Pentagram repenting it's whistles to the waifs
Who captivates plenty yet scrape for their dinner pennies like dog scraps.
Why am I still beneath this lake?

2/15/20

You’re everything that I need,
But are you all that I need?
I question if I even trust you anymore…
Oh Lord! I’ve been here before.

So I’m back where nothing’s new,
Reflecting on how much I believe You.
Last time I argued – put up resistance.
Yet You don’t punish my insolence.

I can be confused and frustrated with You,
So You have to be real and true.
You are not able to be defined,
So you must not be my own design.

God, You engineered my systems,
To pump life through me like pistons.
And I stand before You shaking my fists,
When You control whether my body exists.

But You love me! You tolerate my witlessness.
And I respond – as if taking my first steps –
With downhearted repentance. Lord, I’m sorry,
Without Your blessings, I’d be left in sorrow.