I’m searching for an answer

Looking for a solution within
Every touch
Every breath

Asking questions I know I'll never answer
Or you
Alone

I don't know why
I don't know what makes this
I'm lost

Cement pulling me down
Drowning me in the vastness of the void
No choice but to watch the world disappear
Fading
No Answer
Black

gone.

was it worth it?
were her lips as sweet as they seem?
as soft as mine?
did she give that little flutter in your heart that you get when you kiss me?
what about that smile afterwards?
was it as straight, and white, and pretty as you say mine is?
when you look me in the eyes and say you love me,
are you sure you’re not seeing her?
are you sure that you’re not in love with her?
apparently we both make you feel the same.
you see, my bestfriend told me to leave you.
leave you the same way you left me.
alone and clueless.
with no one to go to.
because the person i was supposed to depend on the most,
was kissing someone else.
why should i stay with someone who makes me feel anything less than whole?
i didn’t ask for it to happen like this.
or for it to happen at all.
i won’t ask anymore questions but one,
was it worth it?

a sparkle in your eye
a baby girl's cry

how's she going to spend
the rest of her life?

reaching for perfection
fixing her complexion
and sense of direction

dodging
society's inspections

her father's aggression
her mother's traditional-housewife obsession

trying to escape their
suffocating protection

became an adult
run away across the country
for a new angle of reflection

trying to forget
trying to have no recollection
of their projections
on her own perceptions

learn who she is
over and over again

question question question

she's spending time making
connections between
the past and the present

Upon my soul
he gallantly walked
he gave no mention
nor sensation
so here , I am left
to question
what , I couldn't feel
no warning
that I was his victim
he'd leave me questioning
ever moment
how'd I not know
this stranger I thought
I knew
So gallantly he walked
So to never make a sound
so I never could ?
till he was out of sight
that I'd then dare find
All that was never true
© Jennifer Delong 2/2019

There’s a pattern in our lives.
The moments where things are fine,
We forget to write and express our minds; 
Until the sad days come around.

When these sad days come around,
We search for ways to free our souls
From any darkness or any hurt
That we have to feel once again.  

Wishing these pattens of highs and lows
Wouldn’t come back again and again.
But what is a life, without hurt?
What is a life with pure joy?

Our happiness comes from sadness.
To feel happy, we must go through pain.
Believe it our not, it’s the steady game.
The game of life, the patterns

Of sadness and happiness always shifting.

n.n

What would things look like
if I could press
rewind?
Take myself back to that moment
and make sure it never
happened?
What would it be like,
to not be
naive?
To know then,
that you had nothing to do
with me;
Were just drunk on
yourself?
To push you away
and be
certain?
Before feelings complicated the mix?
What would it be like
to have never
loved you?
To like myself
better again,
To be sure
—once more—
that I would never be so
stupid,
What would it be like if I’d never met you?

As Eyes close to this reality
They open up to Dream
Where nothing makes sense
In retrospect and nothings
As it seems

Yet it lingers into real-time
That moment in the morning
When I’m dreaming yet awake
and I find myself wondering
Which reality is real.