i dreamed i saw the hand of God
carefully plotting out the life i never thought
was either fate or destiny
i'm not quite sure, but is that the word 'Hell' i see?

we'll pray meaninglessly
for things we'll never find
and try desperately
to understand God's mind

i'll praise the Father, Spirit, Lamb
for saving my soul, though it's destined to be ******
that man won't fight to light his days
because he heard that he's heaven-bound anyway

I don't hear Your voice like others say they do
I'm wandering around my life without a clue
It feels like I'm living my life without You.

Even when I pray, it's hard to pick the right thing to say
And sometimes I don't bother at the end of the day
Because I feel like You're just slipping away.

at times
i have to remind myself
i am here
right now
i exist
in a million possible times
in a million possible places
in a million possible bodies
i am here
and so
i am struggling
trying to find the why
trying to find a reason
of all the possible times
of all the possible places
of all the possible bodies
sometimes i do not understand
why now
why here
why me

Afraid to fall in love
And to fall out again.

Afraid to move forward,
To fall down in the end.

Afraid to feel,
To finally get hurt.

Afraid to steal
And not give back your heart.

Afraid to find myself
Then lose it straight again.

Afraid to let love happen
Before it all began.

Music is built in my soul
Ingrained, instinctual, a calling.

Always has been there for me
Comforting, therapy, my home.

Why is music growing dimmer?
Uncertain, fearful, stress-driven.

The musician I thought fate was calling
Is this who I am meant to be...

i recall the soft touch of your hand
on my infant cheek--

so delicate in the moment,
but so menacing later on.

i recall the warmth of your skin
as it comforted my shaking hand--

so calm in the moment,
but so frightening later on.

i recall the sweetness of your smile
as it had shone its luminescent glow upon me--

so beautiful in the moment,
but so unsettling later on.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~­~~~


i can't quite understand
why you no longer hold my hand.

see, you have a light touch so full of love,
that it could burst at any moment--
giving way to something sour.

i don't see the reason
for you to make my eyelids change color every season.

see, i have bruises like silk
and blood like milk--
your emotions could drink it all in one sitting.

i don't understand
why my heart still beats if the scale of my wrongdoing is so grand.


see, i have a droplet of hope,



but it falls into an ocean of fear

i do not know
what to write,

so i fill the empty spaces of my sentence
with the teardrops from the previous paragraph.

i do not know
what to say,

so i repeat the verse
i started yesterday.

i do not know
what my direction is,

so i write the stanza
winding into nothingness like a bookcase.

i do not remember
how i write my poems,

so i draw from feelings
felt long ago.

i do not remember
how to read,

so i recall a passage from a chapter book
i have yet to finish.

i do not know
if this has a rhythm or an order,

but i know i will find it soon.

poetry will come back to me
on the next crescent moon.