Too you, I was always less
Even when I tried my hardest
I was breaking from carrying the weight
My knees and hands burning from crawling to you.
Why is it
That even now
When my heart is utterly shattered
My thoughts betray me
By picturing you.
But for some unknown reason I still find myself falling for you.

Loving you is like
A man thirsting for wine straight
From the vine, hopeless.

You cover my skin in red paint
Each time you scream my name.
They paint my skin green
whilst they mock me.
He throws handfuls of black
On my back for each blow, he ever gave me.
My body is no longer my own canvas,
Society chose to paint over my masterpiece.
At the end of the day, looking in the mirror
I pity the stranger who stares back at me.
The paint won't come off no matter how hard I scrub.
Digging under the paint and tearing skin with it to make my body my own again.
The blood.
It creeps down my skin and drips onto the floor.
What a beautiful shade of red.
It's not like the fiery red of anger but like a freshly cut rose or an unearthed ruby.
This is the color that has been hiding beneath me.
Beneath the facades and the frills of society.
My body is burning from the revisions and my mind is racing with my own potential. This will be a lovely new addition to this canvas.
The pain is worth it.
Society must see the beauty hidden beneath.

Was it all a lie?
All of the memories and all of the moments we shared.
Do you think they ever cared?
Or was I just the unloved child who they never wished to be there?
Everything hurts.
Even when I close my eyes the memories don't escape me.
You would never understand how I feel because it is like I am being forgotten.
Like a transparent page you can not see unless you look harder.
My mind races each night before I go to sleep because I dare think
you my love
will forget me.

Starving and overeating, and yet I drink up every curse spoken to me,
The probing and the preening cause me to overthink that love has no meaning.
It is empty.
Cry baby, cry, I will give you a reason to cry. Blows landing on my back making me want to die.
My "mother's love" ain't how it is supposed to be. The hate in her eyes are all that she gave to me.
This baby bird, for too long, yearns to fly,
but the chains on its back prevents it to try.
Noose around its neck till it grows old and dies, but even then the expectations still hold in mother's eyes.
Cry baby, cry, you have no reason to cry.
I don't care if your heart is slowly breaking inside.
My "father's pride" may cause the death of me. The truth of the matter is that he never wanted me.
"That's why we had kids."
What to be your little slaves?
"Clean the house, wash the floors, no you can't go play!"
"What did you say? Are you talking back?"
Trying to hide my tears while my sister watches, so my sister can see that I may be bruised, beaten, and bleeding
But my spirit never faltered.

Enduring this for years can really wreak your life.
Sitting in hiding, if I am out of sight then I am out of mind.
Slowly, the body becomes a lifeless shell, and yet my heart still burns in the hells.
Everyday is the same, nothing every changes
If I try to speak my mind then I am told
"I will beat your face in"
" I won't care if you die, if you try to break this family up"
The words out of his mouth is something I had never even thought of.
Despite the abuse of so many years, I still find a place in my heart that truly does care.
Even in the end I don't understand how my brain works.
I guess masochism is my only good trait in the end.

Is it too late?
I had been praying that you could hear my story from my lips.
The only tale you heard was that of a villain, but the truth is bittersweet.
I hope that on your deathbed, you heard my story in prayer so you can rest, hating me less than you did in life.
If you could not find it in your heart to forgive me, know that I love you still.
Love, your niece.