Purge mode! Purge mode!
Everything must go!

I haven’t worn these pants in at least twelve months.
Purge!

This was my go to cute top in ‘07, but it shrunk.
Purge!

These shoes are embarrassingly loud, they go “THWUMP, THWUMP, THWUMP.”
Purge!

Once, in this dress, someone mistakenly thought I was knocked up.
Purge!

Cool expensive hat from Anthropologie I’ve worn not a once?
Oh wait, maybe keep that one.
Nah, just kidding, PUUUUUUUURGE!

i. hunger
It starts with the want
to fill the hole in my soul
that anxiety has chipped away at
with the only reliable thing
that will make me feel good
food
wonderful, instantly gratifying
food

ii. consume
Chocolates and junk food
or spoonfuls of ice cream
and a brownie
desserts that top off a Sunday brunch
push away the thoughts that say
this is a horrible idea
and feast!

iii. sickness
My stomach begins to churn
my chest gets tight
and I feel like emptying
my stomach
my mind
my life
regret attacks my stomach and mind
karma for the horrible decision
I made
junk food hates me as much as
I care for it

iv. guilt
My stomach is a bloated planet
my thighs its insurmountable mountains
look what you have done?
you fat idiot!
consuming and consuming
soon your body will make you unloveable
I try to empty my stomach
bent over pristine porcelain
sweat dripping down my face
desperately googling for help
to hurt myself

v. aftermath
Three-digit number
I’m too ashamed to speak it
but I feel the numbers
imprint in my mind
with a note
stop eating as much as possible
so guilt follows every meal
every moment spent in front of a mirror
is an inspection
bulging thighs
flabby arms
stomach barely contained
how do you show your face in public?
a binger too afraid to purge
when will you finally feel guilty enough
to take action?
these thoughts stay in my head
until the next binge
then they return again

The Dark ominous corridor beckons at me
In my mind, deep within delicious Agony
Reminding me of moments of my Idiocy
A weakness to Purge by hurting me.

Pierce my Eyes so I can't see
Carve it from its own sockets free
I'll cry myself in ****** tears of glee
For these lenses sinned by looking at thee

Shut my Mouth so I can't  speak
Or taste kisses that make me weak
Sew it up with threads so thick
For these lips have sinned kissing a *****

Cut my whole Body and throw it in a bag
From my head to my torso and my every leg
With my pounded bones and flesh turned to rag
For my whole body sinned, your touch I still beg

And lastly for the finale of my Purification
Take my Heart away as a final decision
Rip it all out with reckless abandon
For it sinned, loving you with devotion

For hurting Myself is my final solution
My penance and truth from this horrid Illusion
An act I will make with my own volition
To ******* own love for thee with Self Mutilation.

caramel apple eyes
with no smile,
just a smirk
maybe you'll spare me
from my two year and counting sentence
but it seems unlikely
that i'll be able to get over you,
because if I haven't already
I never will.
Tell me why I can only formulate magnificent proses when they
come from a spot of mourning that you left in the pits of my rotting stomach
it's an ethereal feel that links me back to the sea
your scent draws me in close,
how I desperately want to jump off a cliff to save myself from your grasp.
I spend countless nights huddled in a corner of my room
and I've come to the conclusion that love is only good
when you're in it.
I return to the ocean cliff every day,
looking out to try to pinpoint the bottom of the raging blue rapids beneath where I stand 133 feet up.
Maybe if I can dance closer to the edge,
you'll take notice and save me before I fall
but who am I kidding?
I was the one to take things too far,

I don't want to finish this poem.

When I think about you,
it doesn't give me butterflies like it used to.
Instead I feel like I swallowed a dozen knives.
Looking through old photographs of us used to bring a smile to my face,
Now I get nauseous.
I once thought I would grow old with you
But the thought of you now makes me cringe.
I gave you my trust
And you tore me apart, bit by bit.
My eyes avoid all the reminisce and fingerprints you left in my home and on my skin.
I have tried to purge you out of my head
because the thought of you makes me disgusted
But its difficult.
You spread yourself thinly through all of my favorite things.
The only thing you never touched was my poetry.