The feeding tube had left her mouth a gap.
Allowing her breath to dry, her lips and crack. I dampend the spounge on a stick and applied the moisture her lips severaly were lacking.
I had never seen her like this.  
Helplessness doesn’t suit her, yet she has been wearing it for months now because of me I’m sure.
She opened her eyes.
My heart skipped a beat.
I pull from my transe of guilt and rise from my seat. “Hello.” I say wiping away any trace of tears, but no matter how hard I tried I knew I wouldn’t wipe away the fear.
I wait, watcing her reaction intently.
“Please remember me this time…” I beg her without a single word.
“Pain…” Her voice cracked..
“I’m in pain Ashley.” Her words slurred.
I push the button for the nurse and kiss her forhead. She remembers me this time!
I don’t know what to say beside, “I’m so sorry.” In shame.
15 months ago I graduated high school.... This should be the beginning, not the end.
She cried and I held her head to my chest as I brushed her hair with my fingers.
Something she taught me long ago.
Her loving gestures through my heart will always echo. She helped me survive.
She was my breathing machine.
My morphine.
My life coach.
Once medicated she fell asleep.
She left her pain for now, but the thought that in hours her pain would wake her made me weap.
There was a light knock and the curtain opended.
A lady wearing nice clothes and a gentle smile stepped forward.
“Hello Ashley, I’m Janice with St. Mary’s hospice.” "Hospice?" I ask, never hearing of it before.
She was one of many that week.
After nearly a month, mom woke up.
“I’m tired,” Her dry house voice tried to speak.
Her lips began to quiver against the feeding tube, she was so weak.
“Close your eyes and rest.” I said knowing there was a deeper meaning in her words.
She shook her heard no, tears now streaking her face. “Stop.” She croaked.
I knew she wanted to leave this place.
I pressed the button for the nurse.
“Are you ready to take the feeding tube out mom?” I asked openly, regreating every word.
She looked at me with such big eyes, so much emotion stirred.
Extreme fear, confusion, sadness, feeling I’d never seen her express.
I hated seeing her in this stranger like state.
Imagine the pressure layed upon you, to choose your fate.
In a way, I know, for my job was to figure moms wants and then make her life or death decision.
With her beautiful eyes locked on mine, she shook her head yes.
“Are you sure?” Oh how I wish I could clean up this mess.
She shook her head yes again as the nurse got another stranger. After the nurse gave her more morphine I asked for the number to St. Johns hospice.
Mom started to drift away and I left her with a kiss. They removed the feeding tube.
13 days passed.
Much longer then the doc’s thought she’d last.
No food.
No water.
The repeated question ran through my head, was I a good or bad daughter.
Regaurdless my selfish thoughts, she lay still unable to answer, she looked happier though.
She never spoke after we talked about her choice to leave, how I’d wished she said no.
I lived in complete shame.  
I had lost the best part of me, without her, my body felt lame.
I had to be strong for my sister, whom I’d been left to care for.
I was her stone.
I then lived as a stone.
Brainless, emotionless, cold. How would she have felt to see me living like this….
It would **** her, the thought lingered like a poisonous kiss.
I had to live again. I have to live for the both of us now, the way it had never been.

you never know how long
you have them for

experiencing a loss
so close to home
so recently
every visit becomes precious
an event on it's own

trying to make sense
of a life already spent
while trying to paint a future
of alone

and I wonder if
it will ever be me
waiting for a phone to ring
someone to call round
for tea

I sit with my dad
in a house full of dreams
that perhaps
were never fulfilled
for either him or me

you should've never become a mother

~haylin

land of hills and fog,
moss covered forest and a
cottage in the dark



Please, oh please, lamenting weep,
please, don’t take my baby from me.
Within the woods and through the trees,
on the hills, I’m on my knees.
Please don’t take my baby from me.


Frigid sweat runs down her forehead
and she whimpers from her shivering chest.
Tried my best to sing her to sleep
but there is blood in these lullabies.

Her coughs are like shattered glass from her throat,
and her painful wails in these walls echo.
And though I wish this was all a dream,
I heard from the woods the old rallying cry.

I lie on the bed and clutch my child
and pray her soul keeps clear of the wild.
I bridle my tears so her armour’s not weak,
though in my heart it’s becoming a lie.

Please, I beg you, don’t take her away,
she was only just born the other day.
Let her step on the stones, let her be free,
let her remain, keep her alive.


Please, oh please, lamenting weep,
please, don’t take my baby from me.
Within the woods and through the trees,
on the hills, I’m on my knees.
Please don’t take my baby from me.


-
by Aleksander Mielnikow | Alek the Poet

There's this weight I carry
It's heavy and exhausting
It's beautiful, and quite daring

It yanks me down more times than I can count
Squeezes, punches, and pushes every last nerve
But it's perfect on every account

It's the hardest, most difficult weight I've ever carried
Full of kicks and screams and fits
But it's something I refuse to burry

I could walk away and live a different life
I could be weightless and free
But this weight is worth more than my own life

So I will pull it up over ranges of mountains
I will piggy back it over every raging sea
And if anyone tries to harm it, I would **** thousands

It's the most precious cargo I could ever own
It's the only I can ever have
So I choose to carry it and to never be alone

For its weight brings me great joy
And the warmth is overwhelming
So I hold tight and hold strong and enjoy

For the terrain will mellow down
And it will not always be this heavy
So this weight I hold with love, and in it I drowne.

Since the day you were born we knew you were perfect
Your eyes were bright blue and your hair wispy curls
We had guessed what you’d look like and then out you came
Our perfect baby exactly as planned.

Since the day you were born we knew you were perfect
And look at you now you’re incredibly bright
You work till exhaustion and that we admire
You’re seemingly perfect at all that you do

Since the day you were born we knew you were perfect
If only your brother would follow your lead
We just want him to have your motivation
How do you think we should help him succeed?

Since the day you were born we knew you were perfect
If only I had that body of yours
If only I had those arms and that stomach
But I could never be as perfect as you.

Since the day you were born we knew you were perfect
Why do you insist that you aren't my dear?
We all get upset but no you aren’t sick love
You are too perfect to hate yourself.

You are too perfect to see any faults
You are too perfect to cry to sleep.
Your life is perfect.
We knew you were perfect.
So be perfect for me dear, and go dry those eyes.

When I wake up in the morning, you’re the first thing that’s on my mind.
I get out of bed, stretch real good, & yawn real loud so that you can hear me breathing.
I rush to the bathroom, quickly brush my teeth, wash my face, & run straight for you.
Running down the hallway, staring at your door, only to open it slowly to see if you’re awake.
I peek my head around the corner...
You’re eyes open as they lock onto mines with such joy.
Happiness appears on your face, reaching out for me.
Happiness upon my face, as my heart skips a beat.
Amazed with such excitement, I run as fast as I can screaming out a laugher.
We hug & kiss knowing that’s one of my favorite things.
When I wake up in the morning, our first words are:
—“I love you mommy”
—“I love baby”