Chatterchick is scattering cackles
because my husband follows
a truth of his own again and in vain
I am looking for silence

Blacky is in the dumps
sighing that she suffocates
in the darkening darkness
where it's never silent

It won't work!
Bring nuts and bars of chocolate!
Madam settles herself
to savour it in silence

I wish it were so
easy, Chatterchick cries
Bonkers, Fatty, Layabout
they taunt; Silence, Silence, I

shout, Get out! I'm going
to think of something else
or thoughtlessly
do sports, get tired

I wish it were so
easy, Chatterchick cries
and the dumps are moaning
and the sofa is snoring

The pressure cracks my bones
like a lofty barrel
Weighing a top my tormented back.

My rib cage once housed a humming bird
That half dead, plague ridden thing
flew away long ago.

A simple note to explain doesn't seem long enough
To bring on one sheet my final feelings and thoughts

Why am I doing this and what lead me here?
It wasn't just one event and the timing wasn't near.

I'd start when I was younger but who can remember that far back?
Unfortunately I do with every panic and anxiety attack.

You'd probably start to see why by the time I finished 10th grade
But then I'd really dig deep into every mistake I've ever made

I'd go on to talk about the crushing weight of all my guilt
The guilt I'm tired of hearing that everyone has felt

"Just leave the past behind" they say and "move on to better days."
How the **** am I supposed to do that when I want to **** my brain

Therapy and medication only helped me for so long
Now I've come to realize I'm the only thing that's wrong

I'm not angry with anyone and would never put blame on you
I just can't handle my thoughts being the loudest in the room.

Searching for air
Gasping, choking
Unable to breathe
In the face of glaring defeat
Overwhelmed by thoughts
Wanting to give up
Wanting to fight more
A mess of contradictions
Looking for answers
Trying to ask the right questions
Trying not to shy away
Trying to stay strong
Trying to find the right words
Trying not to be contrived
I'm trying
Trying
Trying.

"you're alright."
"it's just a panic attack."
"he's not here."

no, you don't understand.
he is here.
he never left.

he’s not in between my legs,
but he’s still invading my mind.

I don't feel like
myself anymore.

I'm not myself anymore,
not fully.

he's still inside of me.
he never left.

Anxiety.
Shes taken so much from me.
I placed her on people
And situations.
But it was simply her and I,
Our voices shaking.

From the beginning,
I tried to escape her.
But she was so rooted
Inside of me.
My only release
Was to turn it all off
And trust the ground
In front of me.

Simple things,
Simple moments,
Became nightmares
And real fears
To look someone in the eyes
And try so hard to feel
absolutely
nothing

I could say it was the loss
I could say it was that night
But its not true

On the best day
With the best people
She tells me
I'll never be enough

And I can feel it,
I feel her right now.
Its the only way she let's herself out
I breathe
Steadily
Unsteady
My heart races
And slows
So that I start to feel sick
And you're looking at me
Wondering
What the hell im thinking
And I just want you to see
That I'm strong
But she's winning
As I sink
And I plan for her arrival
I look for the softest ground to land on
I try to inhale the fresh air
Until it fills my lungs
But the room starts to fade
And I know its her time
I count to 10
But usually don't make it to 5
And when I wake
To faces I've never known
They look away and laugh
And I just wish I was home.
I pick myself up,
Dust myself off
And fight the urge to explain myself
to the people that can't see her.

Mystery faces veiled with fear. A worldwide masqeurade.
Faces hidden disappearing in this maniacal charade
Suppressed panic spurts of manic
Just let this virus fade
Fingers crossed and prayers uplifted
We all hope to evade
Depression strengthened anxiousness
The foundation has been laid
Masses herded like they're cattle
All because we are afraid.
Weaponized death in full effect
Mankind has been enlaved