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Anxiety.
Shes taken so much from me.
I placed her on people
And situations.
But it was simply her and I,
Our voices shaking.

From the beginning,
I tried to escape her.
But she was so rooted
Inside of me.
My only release
Was to turn it all off
And trust the ground
In front of me.

Simple things,
Simple moments,
Became nightmares
And real fears
To look someone in the eyes
And try so hard to feel
absolutely
nothing

I could say it was the loss
I could say it was that night
But its not true

On the best day
With the best people
She tells me
I'll never be enough

And I can feel it,
I feel her right now.
Its the only way she let's herself out
I breathe
Steadily
Unsteady
My heart races
And slows
So that I start to feel sick
And you're looking at me
Wondering
What the hell im thinking
And I just want you to see
That I'm strong
But she's winning
As I sink
And I plan for her arrival
I look for the softest ground to land on
I try to inhale the fresh air
Until it fills my lungs
But the room starts to fade
And I know its her time
I count to 10
But usually don't make it to 5
And when I wake
To faces I've never known
They look away and laugh
And I just wish I was home.
I pick myself up,
Dust myself off
And fight the urge to explain myself
to the people that can't see her.
The stress sickens me.
It fights me as I swallow it down.
Like tentacles sticking to the inside of my throat,
Desperately trying to get out.
How do others suffer in silence?
How do they fight the tears away?
I look in the mirror and do not know myself.
I see only the pain.
I see concern when others look at me.
And even moreso when I pretend.
It is grotesque to watch,
As I battle myself within.
The words could be the same words
I used when I was at my best,
But they do not translate how they used to,
As my voice breaks and my heart beats out of my chest.
I've torn every bit of skin from my nail beds
And my mouth.
I've brought blood to the surface
More times than I can count.
I do not wish for more relationships,
Or anyone else to bring down.
I simply wish that it would stay inside me
Until no one else is around.
I should lock myself inside these walls,
Until I get back who I was.
But I fear the longer I am alone,
The further she will run.
And when I look into my baby's eyes,
I know I must allow it.
All the judgements, all the concerns,
And that there is no option to hide it.
I will shred myself down to the bone
And let them all see within.
I hold my son close against me,
And I know I would do it all again.
As he watched her walk past,
I asked,
"Did you used to date?"
He shook his head,
And said,
"No we never dated,
But I have clothes still at her house.
And her mattress remembers the shape of my body.
No we never dated,
But her old toothbrush rests in the second drawer.
And my mother misses her when she goes to their favorite store.
She refuses to look at me when I'm out with you.
And when you are gone, I know she will come.
But no,
We never dated."
I hoped you'd never go
I'd wished you'd always stay
I always wished for snow
But the sky gave us rain;
We were broken from the start
It felt so good to break together
Swore you'd never break my heart
And now you swear it to another
I could say I'll miss you
People say a lot of things
I'll miss all your untruths
And the happiness they'd bring.
Sometimes I panic to accept that you're no longer around,
Until I see you smiling safe and sound.

So I let myself have it:
the time, the freedom.
And it hurts like hell,
But **** it's been fun.
I've risen with the moon,
And set with the sun.
I've outrun time,
And chanced my luck.
Just as the night
can never be with the day,
We are who we are,
and that can never change.
There's a time and place that you love me
And for that I should feel lucky
And though I crave it constantly
I know that's so unhealthy.
So Ill let you go
into all of your dimensions,
I love you so
but have I ever mentioned,
how I also love the moon
and the stars above the mountains
And the quiet as I swim
through the lake in the early mornin
It seems I forgot how much I loved
anything but you
Felt so wrong to pull away but
If I could tell you the truth
Sometimes I like it better when you're gone
So I can put on my favorite songs
And get lost in the afternoon
I've been so scared for far too long
That if I took the time
You'd carry on
Without me
And I'd be just a memory
But I think what I was really scared of
Is letting myself fall out of love
With the notion that I needed you
To be all that I wanted to,
And that I could be happy
Without you beside me
So I begged you to keep me
And put everything aside
To sacrifice what I had
When I left myself behind
And though I do love you
I am so grateful that you left
I was never strong enough
To lay us down to rest.
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