The lights, they play beautifully
Upon the canvas of the horizon sinking wholly
In the blend of twilight
The city afar only seen as colourful dots
Bleaching the eyes with lots
And lots of colours that are still
But moving in the artful manifestation of the waters

Everything that matters
The heaven,the clouds, even the still lights
Are conveyed to my sight
And I as an alien figure judge their might
For I can never be one of them

A flip of a coin is where my luck runs thin,
Heads or tails- only one side may win.
Behind this concealing mask they see,
I am nothing of what they expect me to be.
I am constructed of empty expectations,
They pull me apart in opposite directions.
My heart is full of insecurity,
I am trained to think of myself with parasitic peculiarity.
My fear stems from the burning stare of a crowd,
In which no love is offered and no love is found.
My heart longs to be accepted,
But even my own loathing is not respected.
The crowd tells me how to smile,
How to fix my hair,
How I should smell and what I should wear.
Half-heartedly I follow their direction,
But still they offer me no discretion.
I am only in search of a sliver of love,
But I don’t even worship the one they tell me so surely rules above.
Some things, I just cannot change.
And for that, they’ll only find me strange.
When I walk down the dimly lit street,
I pull my mask up further and hurry my feet.
Though not all seem to truly care,
I still cannot manage to escape their stare.
We follow their printed plan with oblivious ease,
Go to work, pay the bills- Yet it will never be enough to please.
Somewhere, someone offers a handshake,
Though it offers no warmth in its wake.
I think now that I will always feel small- no matter how short and no matter how tall.
I am too boring, I am too gross.
I am too rich, I am too broke.
I am too foolish, I am too sad.
I am too tired, and I am too mad.
So I walk along and flip the coin another time,
Again, it is my face I choose to hide.

Have you ever tried to be someone else
Instead of being yourself
Because you felt as though
You'd make better impressions
And people you thought
that would never talk to you now will
Is this supposed to be how we feel
Instead of being original
Staying true to ourselves
We'd live a better life
In the mind of someone else
What about the fake,
if I don't act like me
is that something that can make a change
Is that something that will make
the people want to be friends with me

Yeah you say you don't want to be popular
Your happy being you
But why is it we always wonder
What it'd be like to be in another's shoes
They say you write your own stories
So why does it feel like it's written for me
You're born one day, the next
you're a slave trapped within life's cruel games,
you lose yourself more every day

Do you want to be a cover model
Do you want to be a star
Do you want to be a top businessman driving a fancy car
Do you wish to be a king or queen
Wish that you had money to buy everything you dreamed
Welcome to the madhouse
Where these thoughts drive you insane
Only the mentally strong survive
The rest are just runaway trains

I tried to be somebody else
Even creating a new name
Funny how the girl of my dreams
Now seems to talk to me
Not an image had she seen
But she told her whole life story
To me, well not quite me
But the character I envisioned
Somebody I brought to life
She entrusted secrets to a total stranger
Whom she had never met
So does that mean the closer
you are
That's when they shut you out
But feel comfortable with a total stranger

Yeah you say you don't want to be popular
Your happy being you
But why is it we always wonder
what it'd be like to be in another's shoes
They say you write your own stories
So why does it feel like it's written for me
You're born one day, the next
you're a slave trapped within life's cruel games,
you lose yourself more every day

Do you want to be a cover model
Do you want to be a star
Do you want to be a top businessman driving a fancy car
Do you wish to be a king or queen
Wish that you had money to buy everything you dreamed
Welcome to the madhouse
Where these thoughts drive you insane
Only the mentally strong survive
The rest are just runaway trains

Danger, danger,
you're not putting trust
in the ones you supposedly love
Who is willing to die and protect
You are letting out your inner most secrets
to people who'll take advantage
when you're at your lowest points
and it feels like there is no way out
Just cast yourself of doubt
Be happy with yourself
trust in the ones you love,
Try and see the beauty within yourself,
you're original and that's what's beautiful,
Be smart in your choices,
Don't be afraid to take risks
Just know sometimes there could be a consequence

Yeah you say you don't want to be popular
Your happy being you
But why is it we always wonder
what it'd be like to be in another's shoes
They say you write your own stories
So why does it feel like it's written for me
You're born one day, the next
you're a slave trapped within life's cruel games,
you lose yourself more every day

Do you want to be a cover model
Do you want to be a star
Do you want to be a top businessman driving a fancy car
Do you wish to be a king or queen
Wish that you had money to buy everything you dreamed
Welcome to the madhouse
Where these thoughts drive you insane
Only the mentally strong survive
The rest are just runaway trains

I'm learning to be happy in the choices that I make
I'm learning to think before I risk everything
But I'm not afraid to take chances
I'm learning to love myself
I'm trying to sustain my mental health
I'm starting to look after myself
I'm learning from the mistakes that I've been dealt
This is the story that I write
I'm choosing to be happy in my life
And this is where I am.

©2017 Written By Benji James

You don't have to die a fighter to be a hero.

"We're all gonna die. We're gonna die, Alex. In the end, life shortens, and we're gone. Thats why we do things that makes us feel alive."

A conversation with my love on my anxiety:

"I'm afraid of everything"
"There's nothing to be afraid of"
"Even my fears have fears"
"Your only enemy is you my love"
"I cannot help but shake"
"I'll catch anything you drop"
"I cannot help but cry"
"Each tear that falls I will stop"

I look down.

"I know you're rehearsing replies"
"But my thoughts are all over"
"You must lighten your mind"
"You've got great composure"
"Baby quit being so insecure"
"I can feel their eyes on mine"
"They're only admiring you"
"It sends chills to my spine"

He tilts my head up.

*"There's nothing to be afraid of"
"But darling I'm so afraid"
"They're people not monsters"
"It's my instinct to evade"
"Soon this will be behind you"
"My heart is beating fast"
"Inhale, exhale, breathe slow"
"It's no use I'm an outcast"

"Its a punishment, you see.."
I tend to bend towards the dark,
Unlike other living trees,
And bare my own unique marks,

I see different from the next person,
Refused to listen what the world is saying,
Instead believe on my own distortions,
At least that's what they see in me when they are looking,

I see the world through a narrow hole,
Neglect the thrill that the big picture may be good,
I choose to stay in my darkness of mind,
Drawing satisfaction on what I think and all that could,

Like I could see a church and think of learning,
Instead of a place to be healed,
I'd see a school and think not of growing,
But a place where a mind is submitted and must yield,

Its a punishment,
That I receive,
From the next generation of beings,
Who force all,
To believe,
In a similar manner of idea in different things,

Its a punishment,
Being an outcast in a society of my kind,
But I have to indure being different,
Because, I don't believe there is a better life than what I see in my mind.

Give me hope and home
a place to call my own
a cliche that is only mine
a brief escape from endless time

I can't stand your world nor
can I hold my clumsy limbs
upright on its surface.