every moment we spent together
flows through my veins.
with each beat of my heart,
they are pumped through me.
these memories will always be there.
they will be there when
we’ve both grown old
and given up the reckless lifestyles
that we never wanted to lose.
they will be there when
you move far away from here
and hug your family goodbye,
knowing that someday
in whatever city you settle down in
you will start a family of your own.
they will be there when,
years from now, you sit in the backyard
of the house that you share
with the family that you assembled,
and tears fill your eyes
because you have lived a life
that you are proud of.
they will be there when
I finally stop running from my past
and find somewhere I want to stay,
somewhere that feels like home.
they will be there when
I kiss someone who isn’t you,
and I feel the same happiness
that at one time only you could give me.
they will be there when
I find the answers that
you inspired me to search for,
when I have this sudden epiphany
and I realize my purpose,
whatever that may be.
they will be there when,
years from now, I sit on my rooftop
staring up at the stars
above wherever I decided
to settle down, with tears
trickling down my cheeks
because I have lived a life
that I am proud of.
and you and I
will live these lives apart.
we’ll move on and forget
what it felt like to wake up
beside one another,
and we’ll find what
we’re looking for elsewhere,
and one day, we’ll understand
why this all had to happen
the way that it did.
what we have
will always exist somewhere.
in the sidewalk cracks
we used to walk over
hand-in-hand,
in the lyrics of old songs
that neither of us
have heard for years,
in the dust gathering
on boxes buried in our attics.
and sometimes
we might remember each other.
when I see a young couple
laughing in a diner booth,
when the bright beams
of a car’s headlight
shine through your window
and jolt you awake,
when we pass road signs
that we once drove by together
and cross through
states we once visited.
we might think of each other,
even if only for a brief moment.
and despite how important
this all was to me,
and despite how important
it still is to me,
I’ve folded up the days
that I spent with you
and taped them into
the messy pages of my journal,
stuck somewhere between
my 3am thoughts and an old,
yellowing photograph of us.
and now, I’m running.
I’m running away from every
droplet of self-doubt
that is trying to wedge its way
between my ribs,
running in the opposite direction
of words like “regret”
and any intrusive feeling
that is trying to trick me
into worrying that
none of this was worth it,
and that I am destined to face
a life of bitter loneliness without you.
because those thoughts are convincing,
but they are liars.
because all of it meant something.
even if parts of it hurt,
even if, to this day, I still can’t
understand the meaning of some of it.
because all of it was worth it.
and maybe you and I
didn’t have the fairytale ending
that we always imagined.
maybe we didn’t live our
happily ever after.
maybe the only place
that you and I still exist together
is in crumbled photographs
and life lessons and
these memories that won’t go away.
and maybe, even now,
there’s still pain there.
maybe the wound has healed
but still feels sore when it’s touched.
maybe we wonder what we could
have done differently
and what our lives would
be like if we had.
but in the end,
it doesn’t matter
how we began or
how we fell apart.
because in the end,
I’m just so happy
that I got to love you at all.
