As the wind breezed into the meadow, it spoke, "I can't stay here forever. I have to keep moving forward. This is how I exist. This is who I am."

i wanted to know you
not what you were doing
not your latest idea
not your next big project
not how much you would make
not your next inspiration
not the motivation
not the gear you use
or who you're meeting
what brand you're promoting
who you captured in motion

i wanted to know
what draws you to your rooftop
late at night
why you conceal so much
about what you feel
why you can't sit still
and can't slow down
why you show up
but mostly why you never do
what time you brush your teeth at
what makes the hair on your neck stand up
where you'd like to be touched
what makes you feel good
what your favorite food is
if you prefer a sunset or sunrise
how you got to be so close to your parents
why you were afraid to sing
or admit you go both ways too

all of these things and more i do not know
and once wanted to know
but now will sift in the waves of my head
now ceasing the endless search for answers
i am tying down the mast
and giving up the hunt for new territory
in your head
things i wish i'd asked before i let you drift away
things that no longer matter to me
even if you took the time to explain them

all i wanted was to know your humanity
to trace the contours of your personality
with my finger
until i knew each inch by heart
but you don't let people in
for fear of rejection
but by not letting me in
i fear i have no choice but to reject you
again,
it's not what i'd like
it's more heartbreaking to stare at a door
that you're afraid to open
and i regret not seeking to break it down with an axe
all those years lightly tapped the outside
and you couldn't hear me
i never tried hard enough to know you
but you don't try hard enough to be known

it's nothing more than a photograph
with no context
no background
no story
no meaning
but still i can't stand to see your face
beside her
framed by her long hair
you look happy
it's painfully obvious
it's black and white

i feel demolished
you opened me up
and felt my insides
vulnerability spilling out like spaghetti
the quiet of the blade
you didn't sew me up correctly
if you patched me hardly at all

and what for?
years to kiss the pain away
and you dig it all from it's grave
you hand it to me
the backstabbing, numbing sensation
beating alive and well

i wish these walls were barren
so i could scream and scratch out the plaster
the white wash of concrete
spying on us making love
give it something else to look at

you can find me
ripping out strands of my hair
at 11:58 at night

there's a boy who came from boston
but i am reeling over you
one week since you were in my body
your impression left between my hips
against my ribcage
there's a boy
perhaps wondering
why i haven't given a time
for us to meet quite yet
i'm on my way and he has no clue
to the coffee shop you invited me to first
while there was still snow gathered at the curb
he's probably wondering why i never called
to say goodbye back then
i wonder if you've realized
that i haven't yet given you the same chance
because i'm hoping in agony
that there isn't a chance
something is growing inside me
something that's ours
because i'd keep it

6/5/2017

sinking into the white blur of my sheets
wondering if this courage is fleeting already
i was so brave sunday morning
to finally let go
secretly hoping if you can't reach me easily
perhaps you'll find a way
if it means enough to you
you'll float by
and toss a rock at my window on the sixth floor
of my nyc apartment
i don't need that

for the first time i laughed in manhattan today
the first time in awhile to breathe
the skies looked cold and harsh
but it is undoubtedly summer
"the best summer of life," you'd say
with you i felt doubt
in my pursed lips
holding my tongue with all the words
i'll only write down
it still has a chance to be

vanessa and i held onto the hours
to process and reminisce
when we were once students in a room full of books
you
working on your latest project
i remember the tie around your neck
the suit jacket you put around my shoulders
still thinking the same thought then as i do now:
one day it won't hurt and i'll hold my head high
as i unravel
become undone
become who i was meant to be
not thinking of you and a bottle of bacardi
with polaroids and pictures
burned to the ground
this fortress we built on unstable foundations

remembering
your body pulsing against mine
rest my head on your chest and laugh
your sheets
walk me out the door with no clothes on
before i say goodbye for good

this is day two of a life without you
a second go
if you want to make time
you'll see to it
today i will not let my emotions take precedence
over the rational decision to leave
stronger, baby

5/24/17



our bodies are rhythmic
i could tell
you wanted it
we won't call it anything
but we could stop
but it's not easy
is it more painful to not have you
or is it more painful to have you
knowing you can share that rhythm
with someone who isn't me
the girl that's always
puts me at second
which is more of a compliment
reality says i'm better seated at fifth, or sixth
and you make me your universe for one night
and more nights after
and turn around
and turn against me
with lovely words and a grain of confidence
it's so painful
that you fill spaces in my body that perfectly match
but never settle in my heart
and we never did
the thrill of addiction
sugarcoat it so not to cheapen
this abstract love
where you make the rules
but you also give me a way out
it's not like i have to stay here
but i'd move away
from how crazy i'd be
not *******, not loving
i wait for the day you say
"you're beautiful"
even if it's not the beauty
you swear you're gonna find
in someone that isn't me
one day
it's pathetic

5/23/17

she taught me of new beginnings
and the healing of january
that you don't have to be profound
all the time
you don't have to be observed
you can change the storyline
but still remember that time

together we drank in nashville
to the days of virginia
swearing to return to art
when we got there
our lives were in full circle
she still believed in me
she is the closest thing
to an older sister i know
and maybe i am strong enough to say
that i don't love the person
that she let go of too

8/11/2016

i want something electric, so vivid and blinding that it leaves an imprint in my vision like walking into a dark room after being in the sun
i want passion so rare it leaves me foraging for whatever's left of me by the time you're gone
i want to speed down the coastline [evolved yet unchanged]
i don't know how to unglue myself from what you are
maybe i'll keep giving into the callousness in my heart that's been growing like a cancer since the first betrayal
you've used those lines before
they're carved in me with lingering pains that things are an illusion and i'm here to boost your ego
i've played this game long enough to know who the bad guys are
but what if i'm the bad guy for escaping something stable and unwavering
for a toxic replacement
[albeit you're pretty easy on the eyes]
teeter-tottering between saying something and actually doing it
my soul on a string like a tether ball where the players are you versus everyone else
and you say one thing
one tiny, insincere affirmation
my mind goes around the pole in circles until it's completely wrapped around the edges the way you have me singled around your rough fingers
creating knots out of my insides
yet all of your red flags fly violently
so i swing the other direction
loosening at the peak before you come back around and hold me like a child again
a vicious cycle
dangling a dangerous scenario in front of me like an animal eyeing food until it's clawing at your leg to rip it from your hands with their bare teeth
even in my fair share of evenings i was better off not having, you're miles ahead
pretending to be big kids an adult's world
and my mind goes miles a minute at the thoughts
you're not helping slow it down
you are no more an animal than i

Also: I feel ******* sick. Not physically. Although: sometimes the pit in my stomach feels like the point of this lose's impact.

Actually:  this feels incredibly age appropriate.

Also: I don't define myself by what I don't like. People know what I like. And that's love and poetry and lipy kisses and the final season of Girls and volunteering.

Actually:  when you said the word "actually" after anything positive or interesting, it made me feel like you defined yourself by what you didn't like and since we met, things got so good for you that you were pleasantly surprised by a constant string of nice things you started to see again (or maybe only started seeing for the first time).

Also: now that it's over, I wonder how often you say "actually."

Actually: I'm half freaked half stoked to see you Friday night.

Also: I keep searching for the perfect song to send to you that communicates exactly how I feel; mainly because we aren't talking right now and I've gotten so used to secretly coded  artistic messaging doing all of my talking for me. Something by Lucy Rose, I think.

Actually: I'm afraid to reach out too soon because I don't want to admit I want you and also I don't want to give you false hope.

Also: I think about you constantly. And also you constantly.

Actually: I killed it way too soon and started something new so fast that my head is spinning and all I really want is to say sorry to your bottom lip for my absence.

Also: I feel immense guilt.

Actually: that bottom lip I want to apologize to for my absence, I also need to apologize to for making stick out when your face was that red and your cheeks that wet. Because making you cry. Those eyes. Those sounds. ****! I'm sorry I ever made you cry. I'm so sorry. Please never cry. Never cry. Please.

Also:  I don't ever want the cotton of my shoulder to be so saturated.

Actually: I made a decision based on my gut that had me sure of myself for the 3 weeks leading to my birthday and now 2 weeks since my birthday, I can't find the security in my gut.

Also: 30 doesn't feel more secure at all.

Actually: I need space but I haven't been able to count on myself to create it.

Also: I'm super worried these feelings won't die because, even though I both do and don't want them to, I know they need to to make these feelings grow.

Actually: I know I said I was up for the gamble. And we really just might win it all. But I might also lose it all.

Also: I think I'm exactly where I am supposed to be in my socialization.

Actually: **** makes me paranoid and ***** makes me feel fat but sleep and cardio and water and caffeine make me feel ******* good.

Also: not a huge fan of raw fish that isn't tuna. Also: **** seaweed salad.

Actually: I just want to be the best version of myself. Character matters. I'm gaining experience. I want **** to be easy. It's not and won't be. And that's fine. I just don't want to hurt anyone. I want to search and feel and taste and

Make love
love
love.